Some time back, when Miss Manners wasn’t paying careful attention, Not Caring What Other People Think became an American social virtue.
“I don’t care what the invitation says. I’m going to wear what I want. I dress to be comfortable, not because I care what other people think.”
“I eat the way I please; what do I care what other people think?”
“I’m the one who’s getting married, so it doesn’t matter if they don’t like rock music or think the food is weird. I don’t care what other people think.”
“I never go to funerals. It doesn’t do any good for the person who counts, and it doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks.”
These are callous statements of the me-first and me-only variety. They broadcast defiance of the feelings of the speaker’s hosts, fellow diners, guests, family, and friends. One would suppose that the reaction to be anticipated after such a stand is, “Oh, good for you, but then stay away from me.” Those who elect to disregard the standards of others or of society itself should, at the very least, find that people refuse to invite them, eat with the them, or attend their weddings or funerals. Persistent cases should even be prepared for attempts to hasten the last.
How is it then, that such pronouncements are made with anticipation of being admired, rather than ostracized? Why are they meekly accepted more often than condemned?
That declarations of selfishness are unchallenged is, Miss Manners believes, a result of their being confused with the heroic defiance of a private conscience faced with evil or foolish social pressure. “I don’t care what anyone else thinks!” can be a moral cry if hurled at the warning that one will be considered a prude for refusing to shoplift, a bad parent for not letting a child stay out half the night, or a failure for not having a new car. Using higher standards than one’s peers or refusing to make private decisions by group consensus is indeed something that should be performed with pride.
What about when society is right? That does happen occasionally. Any civilized settlement of human beings develops nonprovocative ways of performing common tasks. Patterns are set for such simple matters as eating and dressing, so that people do not run the risk of upsetting or disgusting others over trivial matters. Complying serves as a demonstration that one respects the community.
Where important emotions are concerned, such as in the major milestones of life, traditions and conventions give order to erratic feelings. By following the time-honored routines of weddings or funerals, one smooths over the chaotic mix of emotion to make a dignified event. Individual nerves become encased in communal ritual.
The beauty of convention is that it is readable. If your looks and actions are within the accepted bounds of the society, you are conveying a basic agreement with the prevailing order. That is why rebels seldom confine their symbolism to questions of ideals, but seek to outrage through dress and behavior as well.
A great many people now behave as if they believe that such acts do not contain symbolism. Challenged that others will be offended if they go barefoot to church or spit back in their plates what they don’t like, they claim that it is the reaction, not the action, that is inappropriate.
That is when the I Don’t Care What People Think defense appears. Disguised as idealistic defiance of obtrusive and petty standards, it attacks the doctrine of Consideration for Others, which is the basic premise of civilization. If the society truly subscribed to the notion that pursuing individual natural impulses is a higher form of behavior than tempering them to show consideration for others, those other would not be offended by such behavior. A standard that offends a majority cannot work.
Not Caring What Other People Think is, at best, ignorance of the necessity for people to be able to read one another’s behavior for signs of friendliness or hostility. At worst, it is a declaration of Not Caring How I Make Other People Feel.
— Miss Manners’ Guide for the Turn-of-the-Millennium, pgs. 14-15
