On My Values & On My Upbringing
I once dated a girl whose family and community expected her to wear a religious headscarf in public at all times, regardless of whether or not she wanted to (she didn’t). To take it off would have meant family arguments, nasty judgments from outsiders, and even verbal threats through social media. It’s hard and it would take a lot of courage. Through a series of clicks and buttons on a social media app, through the change of a self-portrait, through a headscarf-less image, this individual went on through with a polarizing, defining moment in her life where she expressed her own individuality, desires, will, and values.
Despite the pressure and unnecessary criticism she faced for trying to live her own life, I envied the opportunity to have such a moment for myself. I was born into the same community and to a family that shared a similar moral system. I would have loved to make a statement to express 80% (okay, more like 8%…) of what reflects my own beliefs through the change of a Facebook profile picture. Instead I have to write (ugh) a long-ish post (uugghh) to explicitly express where my own thoughts stand, and have fewer people see it than if it were a picture (*groan*).
My upbringing adds to the pressure by making it hard to be vulnerable about this topic. At certain points when I was growing up, I was seen as the poster child, the example that other parents used. I was studious (read: nerd… and still am a proud one!), quiet, and tried to avoid confrontation with anyone (which was a whole other problem on its own). These expectations from people (whose opinions I shouldn’t care about) hands me more excuses to resist being open about myself.
I’m not condemning any belief system or arguing any aspect about them. Religious and spiritual values can be great and should be appreciated for their creation of communities and camaraderie.
Instead, I want to put my potentially polarizing personal beliefs in a vulnerable position by expressing how I feel about the beliefs I was brought up with: I don’t hold religious values to a high-enough regard to center my identity around them, and haven’t for a couple of years now.
Our beliefs become the metrics that we place on ourselves by which we use to assess every person we meet. If you are a religious person, you’d prioritize others who are similarly religious as well. If you care about human rights, you vibe with others who care about the same topic as well. If you have a deep affinity for poop jokes, you bond with others with the same interests. Religious systems and their symbols do not provide me with the sort of introspection I find essential to give me substantial meaning. And so I don’t find their teachings high up on my list of things to care about. I find deeper meaning in what I consider to be more personal attributes and morals.
I’m intrigued by underlying character traits that come from confronting deeper real-world problems: How do you feel about taking responsibility for everything, regardless of fault? How do you react to brutal, painful, slap-in-the-face honesty? How do you feel about your flaws and mistakes? Are you comfortable with rejecting people? How about receiving rejection? Are you OK with acknowledging your ignorance and cultivating constant doubt in your beliefs? How so? What do you do with your time and to what extent are you willing to make sacrifices for it?
These are the sort of questions I become self-aware about to learn the things I value the most, the metrics I measure myself against. The answers are the beliefs I revolve my identity around. And I don’t see my answers related to any particular religion.
But who knows? I could be very wrong and I might change these views as I get more gray hairs (current # of gray hairs: 1).
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