lexluxford:
just before dusk, saturday, a river in the middle of a forest, somewhere in california ( @rileymetzer. )
They’ve been looking forward to this, they always look forward to these days, but even more so this week, in no small part due to everything that’s been happening around them. It feels a lot like the more they cling onto the little stability they’ve found, the more they try for a sense of normalcy, the less they have it. It’s making their thoughts a mess, making the little sleep they were finding evaporate into thin air, nights instead spent restless, with too much on their mind, and no amount of remedies to silent all of those thoughts. So it feels like a godsend when Riley mentions going fishing, like they used to, spending a few hours seeing what they could find, then (hopefully) having a personal feast of their own making.
It’s a nice reminder that they can take a step back, take a breath. And they don’t feel the same pressure with him to manage the act so perfectly, not in the same way they feel with everyone who met them only once they ended up on the Pacific Squad. No, he saw them in their before, when none of it came as easily, and vice versa, the sort of thing that was strangely natural, because there was an understanding there that not everyone wanted to give, back then. And it’s stayed that way.
Except like pretty much every other part of their life, this was something that they withdrew from after Adam was gone. One of many things that just didn’t feel right, trying to do something normal, trying to be around other people who didn’t deserve to be brought down by their intense and deep grief, just another thing that they told themself they needed to be better for, before they could have it again. Except they’d made that promise silently, instead of to him, which they’re well aware of now wasn’t fair to him, when they knew better than most what it was like to naturally feel at a distance from the normal. But also unlike so many of the other people they had silently held back from during their leave of absence, he understood silence, was comfortable with it as they were, maybe even preferred it, a lot of the time, so somehow it feels simpler to slip back into old ways with Riley.
They’re still not good at fishing, not overly patient, and more inclined to just use magic than want to wait around, but they realized fairly early on with Riley that it’s not so much about catching anything, as it is the act, the peacefulness of it. And they could use peace right about now. So they drop Keira off, and head to meet Riley in their spot, apparating a little ways away to take in part of the hike up. Before even making it to the spot, though, they can hear Riley ahead, and end up jogging the rest of the way.
“Well, hey, if I’d’ve know you weren’t setting up early, would’ve come sooner, we could’ve hiked the whole way together,” Lex greets him as they catch up.
.
Riley isn’t one of those people that needs company to be happy. He’s always, for as long as he can remember, been the quiet one of any group. One of those people who needed a certain level of silence, of isolation. Quiet time, to collect his thoughts. It makes him seem strange sometimes, he knows. At odds with the world, out of step with everybody else around him, shittish and weird. When he gets anxious, nervous, overwhelmed, the ability to speak at all almost escapes him completely. It reduces him to something silent, makes him have to work to force a few words out, excuses or explanations.
He hasn’t been lonely, since starting at Pacific Squad. Not necessarily. Maybe sometimes he wished that he had more friends, the bravery to create links and lay down roots. Talking to Jal felt like a heart attack, sometimes, but he wanted to do it, wanted Jal to want it as well. It was important, somehow. It meant something. It was cherished and dear, but it made his heart beat fast. Lex, in comparison, was something gently worn in over a long period of time. They had known each other long ago, when they were both, for the most part, different people. It didn’t spark any great deal of anxiety in him, the idea of going on one of their little fishing trips, the quiet peace of it. Things may have been shaken there for a while, but if anyone could understand what grief did to you, it was Riley. He knew, and he had become an isolated thing in his own life.
He’d been relieved, when they started up again. It was easy to slip back into their company without much comment.
He wakes up early, enjoying the quiet tradition of preparing himself. Its slow, he takes his time, settling in for an easy day. Relaxing, no rush involved. He leaves the dogs –– most of them, at the very least –– with the dogsitter. Titan followed along behind him, allowed to accompany them on the trip by virtue of the fact that he wouldn’t bother Lex like the others would. He was the calmest of the lot. The hike up to their favoured spot is a nice one, and he enjoys it. Of course, he doesn’t mind the company when Lex appears, rushing to catch up with him. He smiles, instead of anything else, a soft and friendly and well worn thing.
“Hey there,” He says, a relaxed thing. He holds a hand out, wordlessly, offering Lex the tackle box he’d been carrying with him. If Lex was going to have arms like that, the least they could do was help carry shit, that had been established early on. Titan sniffs their hand, gives a happy wag of his tail, trots along with them. He’s always been good with the wounded types. “Thought I’d take it easy, for once.”
He shifts, as they walk. His voice is a quiet thing when he speaks, but it all comes out easier than it ever did. He knows he can lapse into quiet, into silence whenever he wants. But strangely, he’s missed this. Lex’s company. “You get off okay? Hope Keira didn’t mind me stealin’ you.”