vesperbranwen:
Vesper twists their own hands together for a moment, holding on to themself to stop from reaching out for Lex again. They aren’t sure why, but they feel aprehensive already. Something about the way that Lex hesitates makes them worry, makes them scared, makes them wonder what exactly is coming out of this converastion. They watch as Lex takes a sip of their tea, and wonder what they’re going to say when the words finally start slipping out. What will it be, what could have happened to make them take the leap back into…all of that. The curiosity of it lodges in their throat for a moment, and they’re worried it might kill them after all. They keep their eyes fixed on Lex when the words finally spill out, let the sound of the voice wash over them.
Vesper’s heart drops a little bit, even as it begins. A case with Hattori –– Vesper knows that Hattori hates them, and its fostered their own level of distrust. He’s not somebody that they enjoy working with. He seemed cold, closed off. Hattori was one of those people who seemed like he looked out for himself above everything else. Their heart aches, when the story comes forward. They swallow around it. They can see it in their mind. Lex being caught in a corner and not knowing what to do, other than agree. Lex knowing that a kid was at risk and doing everything that they could to make sure they brought him home safe. It seems so strange that it would be Hattori’s idea, that it would just come up like that. And Vesper is angry, because they know that when Hattori suggests something he expects you to follow, will make it an order and do everything that he can to get you to follow it. They can’t help the slight frown of worry that spreads across their face.
“I’m sorry, Lex. If he says anything, I’ll kill him.” They promise, and shake their head. It seems like something Hattori would like to hold over their head. Seems like something he could use as a weapon, amunition against the one person in the room he should leave the fuck alone. They swallow, and think about how wrong it had all sounded as Lex shared it. How wrong Lex had sounded. There was an amount of distress to it, but nowhere near as much as Vesper would have expected. They know that Lex has had problems with this in the past, something that they’ve worked on, something that they still have complex feelings about. To be forced in to it by Hattori must have been horrible, must have shaken them more than Vesper could have even imagined. But the distress was only slight, compared to what Vesper would have expected.
They reach out, against their own better judgement, and lay a hand on Lex’s knee for a moment. They give it a comforting squeeze. “Are you, um. I mean, how are you doing, though? Cause… you’re…sounding awfully calm about all of it, you know? You’re allowed to be upset or ––” They stop, hesitant, considering what they would have felt themself. Vesper lets out a little sigh. “Or fucking pissed off, you know. If you want. Cause if he ordered you to do that, it’s a little bit more than fucked up on his part.” They’re angry on Lex’s behalf, even though they aren’t sure exactly what happened out there.
.
Vesper’s insistence makes them finally look back over that them, a slight smile moving over their lips for a second at the protectiveness in their voice. “Well, hopefully it won’t come to that. Tried to put the fear of God in him when I was in that state, but think he was more amused than anything to see the feral side,” they shake their head. It feels easier to breathe now, after putting it out into the air, hearing Vesper’s reaction, knowing what they should have already, that they wouldn’t judge what they had done. And then there’s more. The hand on their knee is another jolt of something they can’t quite identify, something warm and gentle. It’s understanding, and comfort, and a dozen other things, they think, in that one gesture, just as emphatic and meaningful as their words.
And then they mention the calm, tell them that they’re allowed to be upset or pissed off, the words making it clear that that’s what’s expected in this case, which is only a fair assessment, given that if this had happened a year ago, they would’ve brought down the fucking house with anger at this whole situation that they had been put into, no matter all the good it had done in saving the little boy. But they’re not that angry, they can’t be, because if they let themself be as upset as their mind wants, their body wants, then they’ll do things they actually will regret, they might hurt someone, might lose control, might lose their job for what they’d do to Hattori for handling the situation like he had, with less tact than they even knew was possible. Without their potions and other solutions, they would’ve dealt with it all even worse than they were already handling it all, and as it is, it already feels like the thing that’s thrown them completely off balance, stacking up with all the other problems to push them over the edge into shaky territory again.
There’s the potential here in this moment to tell Vesper about the potions, another chance for that raw honesty that they haven’t really given anyone else, but they’re not sure they’re ready for that. They know how Lucky reacted, and they’ve got a strong feeling even those they’re close to might see it that way, too, might see it as making things worse, by keeping everything even, and they aren’t sure they can handle that right now, coming from someone they care about, when they already feel so unsteady. And maybe more than that right now, they don’t want to worry Vesper any more than they already are. What they want is to help, instead of cause more harm, and the only way to do that is to keep the manufactured calm they have; and to do that, they think they need to keep the specifics to themself until it feels steady, easy.
They probably shouldn’t, but they let themself put their hand over Vesper’s on their knee, wanting them to know they’re alright. “I’m...I am upset, but I’ll be fine. Nothing to do about it now. A damn shame there was no other way to find the kid, but there was no choice in the end. Wish Hattori had handled it differently, wish it had been just about anyone else on that case with me, I think literally any other coworker of ours would’ve dealt with it better than him, but...” Lex shrugs slightly, “Can’t really afford not to be calm. That’s all I can really do. You remember before I came back to work, I told you I was figuring out how to do better, so I can be around? Well, it’s a long damn process, still going through it, and there are road bumps, some of them apparently blood-related, but I’m figuring it out. Slowly but surely. Don’t mind if you’re angry for me, though. I actually appreciate it, having someone on my side.”
















