A HOCKEY Girl's Guide To Surviving the Playoffs
I hope things can't get any worse for female hockey fans than they have this year. Between Sports Illustrated photosets labeling EVERY female fan pictured a "puck bunny", whether they are or not, to Claude Giroux promoting an article that suggests that girlfriends of hockey boys can and should fake their love of the sport (though I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt that he misinterpreted and/or didn't care about the contents of said article) to females being objectifed by the likes of such "news" outlets as Crossing Broad and even mainstream outlets, to people (females, included!) promoting this whole "sit down, shut up, be a trophywife and get me a beer" lifestyle...I'M SICK AND TIRED OF FEMALE HOCKEY FANS NOT GETTING THE RESPECT THEY DESERVE. Why should a guy chose a hot girl with no hockey knowlege over a perfectly gorgeous, smart hockey chick just waiting in the wings for the ideal hockey bf?
In an effort to enlighten, I though maybe it would be helpful to publish a guide on how a true rink rocket survives the NHL playoffs. It's been one hell of a series so far, and quite frankly, I know many girls (myself included) are wondering how we've managed not to completely stroke-out during all the heavy hockey action. That being said, I have prepared what I consider a decent rocket guide to the playoffs...How to get along with your guy and girl friends by staying as in control of the situation as humanly possible. It's supposed to be at least mildly humorous. SO LAUGH, DAMMIT.
1.) Prepare your chosen apparel:
Hockey has got to be one of the most, if not THE most superstitious sport out there. When the Flyers made their remarkable playoff run in 2010, ultimately losing the cup to the Chicago Blackhawks, I wore my XXL Eric Lindros jersey for the entire series. I bust it out every now and again but it's been pretty much retired as a playoff outfit since then. I personally try not to get too hung up on a lucky this-or-that...for fear that I might just go insane and end up wearing that Lindros sweater every day for the rest of my life and dying alone with 47 shih-poo puppies all named after different broad street bullies. Bottom line: wear what feels lucky that day. If you wanna dress up super-scandelous at the game, be my guest. You could sit behind the opposing teams bench and serve as a distraction, but make sure it doesn't work out in their favor and they end up trying to "impress" the hot chick behind the glass. I'm not going to judge you. Wear a prom dress. What ever works. I recently went to a game where my number 2 team was against my number 3 and so I was torn as to who I was even cheering for. That's when I just wear some rinkrocket.com gear and stay fairly neutral, cheering for every goal and save and screaming "I'M JUST HERE FOR THE HOCKEY, PEOPLE!...UH...GO FLYERS!..."
If you're staying in, this could go awry rather quickly. Claude Giroux's favorite pre-game meal is grilled cheese with ketchup, therefore, I like to honor that on occasion. Try to keep in mind, however, that playoff hockey can be quite nausea-inducing when your team is down. I have a tendency to eat my feelings during the playoffs when things go wrong (can you say Ben & Jerry's?), but at least eat the celery that came with your buffalo wings so you don't feel like such a porker. Stay hydrated!! You'll probably be boozing if you're anything like me, but keep it classy. If you're going out, being "that drunk bimbo so-and-so fan" isn't exactly going to help the female fan base of your chosen team. If you're going to end up on someones blog by the end of the night, hopefully it will be for your impressive hockey wisdom, vocal chords of steel, ability to hang with the boys no matter what. Post-game celebratory eating and drinking is fun...tell your man to please get you a cold one and some munchies as you have exhausted yourself with all the screaming, ranting, and cheering during the game. If he does that without question, then by-god you've got yourself a keeper. If he thinks you're the only one who needs to cater to his needs during the playoffs and put your own fandom on hold to serve him...RUN.
3.) Fangirls that PISS YOU THE HELL OFF:
Don't worry about them. Seriously, who the hell cares. She has her boobs hanging out of her shirsey? She asked a player to marry her on one of those day-glo pink posters? Calling her a skank isn't going to help win the game. Girls don't need to be catty during playoffs. It makes us all look bad. News Flash- she's not going to get the attention of your favorite player and if she does it will be in a negative way. Anyway, they'll jump off the bandwagon soon enough. Spend your energy rooting for your boys, not nagging girls that annoy you.
4.) Dealing with emotions:
You win some, you lose some. It's hard to watch your team not win the Stanley Cup when you've invested SO much fucking energy in rooting for them to win. It may feel like you've wasted soooo much time. But fear not! There really IS always next season, unless a lockout occurs. In that case- BRB, moving to Europe. You can still enjoy the SCF by picking a favorite, which seems to typically involve picking the team you hate the most to lose. Haha.
If your team is doing well, but then starts to falter? That's tough. Think about it the way the boys do- One game at a time. Predicting series outcomes way ahead of time is trying on the nerves. Enjoy the playoffs, but have other things to enjoy during the down time. Having your season end abruptly can be tough. I've heard of friends that have just broke down and cried after it's all said and done. It's not a weakness, it's just all that energy and emotion pouring out. Don't be sad! Rookie camp is starting sooner than you think. Sun, fun and shirtless up-and-coming hockey players. See? All better.
5.) Getting chirped at by a bunch of BRRROS
I can't tell you how many times I've been chirped at by guys that think they know more about hockey than I do. Granted, sometimes they do. From those men, I learn new things, I agree to disagree, and move on. For the ones trying to put you down simply for being female? MAKE THEM PAY. Open up your big book of stats and pwn the fuck outta them. They're probably too drunk to make a decent comeback, but my best advice is to rally yourself a group of hockey girls. That way, you always have each other's backs and the dudes end up looking stupid being educated by a gaggle of hot rockets.
6.) And Finally...THIS ISN'T "PRETEND"...
You don't have to pretend to be anything you aren't. If you don't like your boyfriends team, fine. If you don't know what an offside call is, ASK. Don't just smile and nod like a moron. If you are just getting into the sport- WELCOME! I'm still relatively new myself, and I learn something new every day. It's the light of my life. Being with someone who knows the sport very well is an advantage. If you have questions, ask them. If you're on your own, look up the answers. It will make watching the game so much more enjoyable. And really, a lot of hockey is common sense. The more you watch, the more you understand. If you spend your time and energy worrying about impressing people with meaningless stats and factoids, then you are missing the action. Sit back, relax (LOL J/K NO RELAXING), and spread the puck love!
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