I read this whole thing then read it again and felt the surprise that OP was talking about that they as a bottom perform aftercare with their top(s). Even reading it, even in the context of this message, I still immediately assumed/defaulted to the concept of the top catering in every way to the bottom and their desires and needs.
I think in the last maybe two years the tumblr discourse on tops having more or less the same agency and utility as takeout has calmed down, but burning out as a top is so real. So hyper real.
I've told similar stories on this site before, but I used to spend time and energy as a worldbuilder for other people's fantasies (online and in-person). I constructed elaborate sexual rituals and rites, made spreadsheets, conducted in-depth interviews, investigated their every sexual impulse and inclination, built digital programs, tried very very hard to sustain something like a religious fervor in my partners all for the asking price of a 'hell yeah, that was fun.'
But I realized that I was just shoveling the coal of my own desires and fantasies into the engine while the people bottoming for me provided little reliable emotional or erotic connection. In nearly every situation they were looking to be entertained and engaged, passively. They wanted someone to do shadow puppets on the wall while they lay in bed and watched.
These days I funnel that same energy into D&D because even when I throw my players off cliffs they show up consistently and emote.
So yeah, playing the top burned me out on sex for a while. Play stopped being playful when I realized that mostly I was the one playing and the other party was just waiting for me to deliver the plot. And just rolling over and bottoming so someone else could take up the mantle because I was burned out and empty left me feeling like I'd become part of the problem. (And half the time I'd just end up as the de facto top again eventually.)
It's less dire these days, but it's never going to be what it was before. I'm pretty clear about that now. I can't bear the load for such meager rewards.
Here's the point, so you don't burn your top(s) out: be fun, be a good fucking hang. Communicate and show up and be present. Every scene, every fuck, can't lead to the bottom half-unresponsive facedown on the mattress like they're trying to escape. You have to interrogate the inner life of your tops. Tell them when they've done a good job, compliment them, and be goddamned specific: "I love how your hair got all sweaty, and you really turned me on with how much eye contact you gave, can we do more of that?"
It's not enough to douche (if anal is a part of your thing) and show up. You have to actually be in the room or the other party will walk out of it eventually.
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