tw self-harm blood suicide
headcanon that kaladin isn't just a fucking suicidal mess but also dabbles in self-harm.
THIS THOUGHT WON'T LEAVE ME ALONE.
sorry baby you're not suffering enough
> subconscious suicidal drive and/or its passive form can manifest through self-harm... and this boy has self-hatred on repeat. he's always got sharp objects nearby. one step left, one step right, and he's already standing at the edge of the abyss, staring it down. he walks around, roams, and at random moments starts thinking, like, hmm, maybe i'll just strangle myself right here fuck 😋
overwhelming guilt + wanting to disappear somewhere + habit of receiving physical punishment from others + i-deserve-this-pain-and-i-will-torture-myself-to-the-end («i trained with the spear until exhaustion after tien's death») + multiple suicide attempts = f u c k wrap him in white rags and tie his hands URGENTLY
we discussed this once with vodoro:
«a scar for every one he failed to save.
a scar for every weakness.»
AAAND either yes. it could be intentional. guilt, guilt, guilt — and oh buddy's bleeding out, carved up to the meat. because he thinks he deserves it. because he's trying to train his body to act faster than his brain and remember the consequences, to create an animal fear in him, on top of all his moral rules.
one, two, three — the spear tip slid across his wrist. four, five, six — the cut grew long and deep. seven, eight, nine — blood streams down his uniform like a river. and he stares into the void and endures it because h e d e s e r v e d i t. because others died in more pain.
or, going back to my rambles about the subconscious suicidal drive — it happens involuntarily. every anxiety, every fear, every doubt, every hesitation — and his nails dig into his skin. scratch. scratch. and kaladin doesn't notice. his chest physically burns, and nausea gurgles in his throat. bam — and his nails are at his neck. bam — and he slips into a quiet hysteria. scaaaaatch. scratch-scratch-scratch. everything inside is on fire, he wants to tear his skin off. and it feels like he'll literally go insane if he doesn't try to claw his own soul out with bloodied hands. h e c a n ' t c o n t r o l i t. it's a reaction, a reflex. it's a way to save himself, to feel, to disappear — all at once. it's ragged, chaotic, frantic movements. just a physical need to rip open his own throat, making his trembling fingers shake. and the itch under his skin makes him writhe and howl. and try to make it stop.
and then kaladin hopes he'll bleed out. and fears it.
....... and by the way he's my favorite character whom i wish nothing but happiness
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