Goodbye
A lot of things happened to me that I never told anyone about and sometimes I did, but people looked the other way or made me feel like I was going crazy. I've moved away from all of those people, I don't know them anymore. I realized that I was trying to find the good pieces of myself in other people but failed to realize only I can possess those traits that I desire. Only I can love myself fully, love others, and treat the world around me with kindness. Others will not do it for me and setting the example isnt the same as performing the action. Some people tried to help me. I probably shouldve dated John in high school and set myself on the right path. Maybe we wouldnt be doing dangerous things without eachother. Maybe we would be stable people with stable lives. Reece tried deserperately to make my life peaceful, and Will tried to get me to let go of my anger and resentment. But I couldnt do any of those things because I didnt want to. I wanted chaos, i wanted to hurt. So i put myself around people I knew would hurt me. Now, all I want is peace and a purpose. I have a purpose now, I have my own business and I make good money. I live with trauma and PTSD every day of my life but I focus on my work and keep going. I have a man that loves me and does more than I could ever ask, I have friends that support me and never make trauma into a competition, who sit and listen and hold me and cry with me but most importantly help me look beyond that and find the silver lining. My life is no longer perfect but it is so much better than it was all those years ago.
This will be my last post on my blog because it brings me back to a place of darkness and desperation to feel emotions through other people and channel my sadness into solitary visual forms. Now, I want to share those emotions with the people in my life and get help. Thank you for witnessing my emotions and sharing your stories with me in private. Thank you to those that have supported me and helped me, and fuck you to those who made me feel less than I was worth and deceived my trust and love (i havent healed all the way yet, maybe i never will) I hope you all find your redemption and happiness within yourself
Do not go gentle into that good night,
Rage, rage,
Against the dying of the light
Truly yours,
river-rage
