trigger warning: stress, anxiety, depression, suicide, relapse, manipulation, gaslighting, blm mention
i am writing this with the full intent to keep it to myself, but if youāve somehow come across it, then perhaps i haveĀ posted it.
i donāt know where to begin with this. there are so many layers upon layers upon layers of damage and hurt, and maybe all of itĀ ā the circumstances, the pain inflicted, everythingĀ ā combined is what leads me to feel like this is just as traumatic as what others would actually consider traumatic events that have occurred in my life. i donāt know how to explain it, but it feels exactly the same way, and i can recognize the same patterns within myself. iām following the same self-destructive behaviors that i did when i came out of my previous situation, and i know where they lead. iāve been there.
i said that one day i would be ready to share the truth of what happened in those final months that i was in rookies. i genuinely, genuinelyĀ have no intentions of stirring drama or putting people on blast, and itās part of why iāve waited so long to even type this out.
but the thing iām learning is that the longer i wait, the more i canāt... get a grip. the longer i wait, the more it sits inside of me and rips me apart from the inside out. i canāt... i donāt know how to deal with it, the outcome, the implicationĀ of it all that still burns me. the reason why i canāt bring myself to get any help, to even reach out for help. maybe this is my last effort before i give up entirely on myself again.
but i want to make it very very clear that iām doing this for me. iām writing this because i need to get it out of my head somehow. i donāt want attention. i donāt want anyone to reach out to me. i donāt want anything other than to force myself to let go because i canāt, and itās so hard to be so stuck. i donāt want anything to come from this other than a change of heart and mentality on my end.
so iāll tell my side of the story with the hope that i can release this into the air and let it catch in the wind and never come back. because the amount of nights that iāve spent agonizing over the final point the mods had left me off on and wanting to end my own life over it is too overwhelming. i canāt function. iām losing my goddamn mind. i donāt feel like myself anymore. i donāt feel like a good person anymore. i donāt feel anything except numb intervals. i feel like iām crazy. iām losing touch with reality. i donāt know myself, but iām not who i was before.
and itās scaring my friends in real life and itās scaring me.
so this is my side, and i pray that this recollection of my events can be that emotional release and bring me an ounce of healing that i so desperately craved all this time.
part i.
when nsg beganĀ ā an experimental, nameless groupĀ ā in january, i remember being overwhelmed by it. i had just turned down an opportunity for rkjimin to be a part of convex and didnāt expect him to be forced into a debut anyway, as if my decision meant nothing. (i turned down convex because i couldnāt think of any reason why jimin himself would join, and i couldnāt think of any reason why i would want that... but this became something i regret, knowing what i know now.) i had finally, finallyĀ allowed jimin to get into a relationship with jeongguk, and this was planned long before it ever appeared on-dash. we planned new yearās day to be their first day as an official couple. i didnāt know the mods were planning on launching nsg on this exact day as well.
i went through a lot of emotions on this day, but i donāt remember a lot of it. (itās been nearly an entire year, after all.) what i do remember is that jimin had struggled a lot with debut, and i had written him that way because it made logical sense to me. how could you finally allow yourself to be with your soulmate but then suddenly risk losing him in the same hour? jimin is an emotional person ā perhaps he gets this from me, iāll admitĀ ā so his struggle... made sense.
part ii.
for the next few months, things were toughĀ ā or i perceived them to be at the time. i didnāt know how bad it could get. i remember being incredibly frustrated with the evaluations that came out. all of them were incredibly negative with no constructive criticisms given to actually help the debuting boys develop. when they worked toward anything, it went unnoticed and they were berated for the same thing the next month despite having improvements written into their solos and threads. it was as if none of our content about the debuting process was being readĀ ā and iāll leave that up to speculation. from the way the mods expressed surprise when we brought this up to them, i personally believe they didnāt read anything we wrote, or very little of it.
if they had, they might have known the issue the characters were having with rksunghoĀ ā and they might have recognized the issue the muns ooc were having with rksunghoās mun rian.
i want to tread carefully here because iām not trying to rehash things, again. but i will be honest when i say that rian was difficult to plot with and sungho was such a conflict-driven character that he didnāt fit in with nsgās lineup at all. when i plotted with rian early in the year, we had planned for a supportive thread in which sungho could (awkwardly) comfort jimin through that first day of learning they were in this group together. this thread wildly spun out of control with no out-of-character warning to me. i didnāt appreciate that, as it set jimin off and made him moreĀ upset. and so, in fear of a conflict rising between these muses (and the fact that rian and i were not necessarily friends ooc so i could be comfortable with writing a heavy conflict like that), i didnāt plot with rian after that.
from talking to other muns, many of them ran into the same issue and avoided plotting with rian. and i suppose this apprehension eventually got to them. and i do sympathize.
while this was happening, my city was put under strict lockdown due to covid-19: essential business only. being an essential worker, i had to continue working. so, though i was scared, i did. looking back, it seems so silly, but the fear was very new. the entire world was shutting down everywhere and people were dying. i have family here in my household that are susceptible to covid-19ā²s more harsh effects because of age/immune system reasons, so naturally, i was terrified. no one followed the social distance guidelines and for a while, during those earliest months, no one followed the mask mandate, as it wasnāt yet required at my workplace.
my fear became so severe that, in early june, i actually had an anxiety attack at work when i was cornered in an aisle from both sides with no exit by this woman and her children. they wouldnāt leave for over half an hour, and i was stuck there for that time. they were loud and maskless, and i couldnāt breathe. the next shift i had, i almost cried in front of one of my bosses when i asked for a leave of absence from work.
this was around the time where george floyd was murdered and protests were erupting all over the country, even near my workplace. my job was evacuated a few days prior to this anxiety attack because of the protests. i have no doubt that this added to it.
something, too, that iām neglecting to mention is that i naturally struggle with depression or at least thatās what my therapist called it when i was diagnosed as a teen. whatever this is, i continue to go through it, and when itās combined with everything else, it sort of feels like the world is crushing you. makes you think of things you wouldnāt normally. makes you think of how to stop it, how to escape everything. makes you desperate.
so... all of these things are stacking up, and iām getting too overwhelmed by everything... i realized somewhere in all of this that i need to step back from a few things. i did with my job when i asked for the leave of absence, but i thought i can do more. i had been contemplating leaving rookies plenty of times before, but this time was unlike any other.
part iii.
itās june now, around the 10th. we learn that nsg u will be debuting that month, yet are still reprimanded for their dancing. itās probably the worst reprimanding theyāve gotten thus far. (now why the fuck an entertainment company would debut a group that isnāt ready is fucking beyond me, but whatever, i guess. gotta keep up with the detrimental evaluations, of course. i donāt know why iād expect anything different or celebratory for their debut month when the whole ic process has been hell for them.)
i digress. i wrote a heartfelt letter addressed to nsg muns in juneĀ and approached them with the topic of me dropping jimin altogether because it all was too much and i could feel myself losing myself. i had said that i didnāt want to pull jimin out after debut and have the group suffer a loss like that. iād rather do it now while everything is still pre-debut. i wanted their opinion. i explained as much of my real life situation that i felt comfortable with.
in the end, most of the nsg muns told me my mental health comes first, of course. they told me itās okay if i drop later, that i shouldnāt drop prematurely if iām not really ready to. so i stayed. and, as i had chosen to open up an honest conversation about nsg and my museās involvement in it, i had (behind the scenes) encouraged some of the other muns to as well, since they had expressed to me that theyād like to but were worried that itād overshadow my own confessions. a few opened up about how they had been finding the consistently negative evaluations downright hurtful with all the real-life happenings as well. we tried to talk through this in hopes that it would help us bond as muns. i fell asleep shortly after this.
and then overnight, rian spoke up too.Ā but what rian said is incredibly different from the rest in the fact that rian took my letter, my feelings, my situation and weaponized it to guilt the others. rian had emphasized that it was an awful thing for them to speak up on their problems in nsg when i had come with mine first, pointed out that they were moving on too fast and not paying attention to me, and then launched into a massive and malicious guilt trip on them for ignoring their plot calls. it was... i was stunned when i woke up to that, and i asked clara and lulu not to say anything, as they had spoken up with their problems the most. i wanted to speak first, to respond to rian. i felt sick to my stomach that, because my name was used, i was now obligated to respond and reassure the others that, no, itās fine. i want everyone to speak up because weāre having lots of issues but not talking about them. communication is a good thing.Ā in the chat, i hoped i came off as calm although frazzled. behind the scenes, i was livid that they would do that to me. when i was already feeling so weak. against my friends. all the while, rian never even spoke to me directly in the message or privately, never once even saidĀ āhope youāre doing all rightā as the others did. but yet rianĀ guilt trippedĀ them?? what the fuck?
and, since this will become relevant later, in june, my older sister came to stay with my family for a while. this caused a lotĀ of problems and arguments at home.
part iv.
a lot of this gets blurry now, i must admit. i think itās my brainās way of trying to cope. if it can bury the painful parts, then i can forget just enough to function. itās done this in the past with things regarding my family trauma, that i donāt remember until something triggers the memory. iām not going to force the specifics because i donāt want to unearth it if this is whatās happening. but i will say this: the admins got involved.
i remember lari asked us to message her individually to let her know everything that was going on. i remember messaging her and then she went silent for over a week. it was frustrating at the time, but i believed lari was going through something in real life that she couldnāt talk about. as a friend, i was worried, and i still am, although i felt i couldnāt approach her on it since things have been bad between us after i had broken up jimin and jennieās ship. (so if this does ever get posted, lari i do care about you, and iām so sorry a ship got in between our friendship. iām sorry if i upset you for ending the ship. i meant it when i said i didnāt want to lose you in the process, but you wouldnāt respond to me after that. i see that i did lose you. so more than anything iām sorry. iāve always thought about this and regret it, and iām sorry...)
nsg was forwarded to mir.
a lot of this is blurry too, but i was offered to speak to rian in a private chat with a mod so we could talk out our differences, to get things off my own chest. at this point, i declined. i didnāt care to hear anything rian had to say to me. deep down, i wanted an apology but not if it would be forced. i tried to keep up a neutral face, as i was the one in the group so desperate to make things work. i really wanted them too.
mir asked me to interact more with rian in the nsg chat.
i remember i felt something inside of me tell me that being dishonest like that wouldnāt help. i felt it so strongly, so i switched gears and confessed to mir that i didnāt want to be around rian after they had used my name like that because deep down, thatās how i felt toward rian. at that point, i wanted to move on from rian, wanted to move on from nsg. after rian doing that, i couldnāt bear to be around them. i didnāt want to turn down their plot offers. i didnāt want to interact. i didnāt want to tell them that my muse loathes their muse. i didnāt want anything. it hurt so much. i started to think of pulling jimin from nsg altogether, since the mods werenāt hearing me out when i told them i didnāt want to be around rian. before i even told any nsg mun of me pulling jimin, i knew in my heart that i probably would.
mir had told me to be civil with rian.
i was stunned when i read that. i genuinely felt as though my feelings were entirely disregarded, rian taking priority. and i couldnāt understand why. i had been as civil as i could possibly be toward rian, stayed publicly neutral even when they dragged my name into their conversation to hurt the others... what more could i do? and when rian wouldnāt show anyone the same courtesy? i watched in the chat as rian continued to play victim that no one was plotting with them. maybe that did hurt them.... but no one was acknowledging that rian had used meĀ when i was in a fragile state to hurt other people... i sat there with that notion festering inside of me, waiting for someone to say something since i already expressed it to mir and that went nowhere... i just wanted rian to acknowledge it. it was so hard to watch rian victimize themself when i was hurting that entire time. i didnāt need this on top of everything in my outside life...
something in me broke. or was triggered?? being used by other people is something that happened to me in that previous traumatic incident, and i couldnāt... fuck. i couldnāt...
mir, a good friend of mine at the time, so easily disregarded my feelings... this solidified my decision to pull jimin. i asked for my options, if leaving was among them, and said i wanted out of nsg. i couldnāt bear it anymore. we had discussed pulling jimin, and i asked about jimin auditioning for s-pop so that he could have something to look forward to when he moved because i really wanted to have something positive after this negative incident. i had a brief moment of hesitation after rian left, wondering if i should stay... but then, feeling as though nothing would actually get better for nsg and being told no solid solution from mir or the mod team on how theyād actually work to make things better for nsg other than lightening up on the tone of evalutions, i still chose to leave.
i rememberĀ ā this is july nowĀ ā that jimin was left out of the initial nsg july eval line distribution... (i donāt fault carly for that. i know she was working last minute on that, as everything had blown up really. the evaluation was thrown on the backburner until we were all scrambling to complete the requirements last minute.) looking back, in a way, this was foreshadowing.
i fucked up here. i didnāt realize that by trying to pull jimin, i would lock myself into a path with more pain than i knew. i foolishly thought that by pulling jimin from nsg and putting him in sphere, that he could have a happier path. it would be somewhat difficult, of course, to be removed from a debut lineup, but i had hopes and thoughts. i was naive and a fool.
part v.
the august evaluation drops, and like all rookies evaluations for the past year or two, sends me into an anxiety attack once i read it.
in the post, jimin has been removed from the group. out-of-character, i havenāt been notified of how this would be happening for him in-character. (i had told mir iād like him removed and that iād like to discuss how this happens, to which she agreed. we hadnāt discussed any further details or a time of removal.) all i know is that jimin is suddenly no longer part of nsg, and i donāt know how to carry on with his character. i message mir, half-panicking, and asked them to remove jimin from the post because now that heās in there, itās officialized that heās gone. now the entire roleplay could know and speculate, and i couldnāt even give anyone an explanation when they came to me to ask about it.
it was overwhelming. i couldnāt even leave the groupĀ without something going wrong. the admod team pulled him with no warning that he would be pulled in the august evaluation. there was no talk of transitioning him out of nsg like i had been promised there would be. they established that he left without telling meĀ ā godmodded my museĀ ā when in reality, that is notĀ what jimin would have done. he would never have walked out on the nsg boys like sungho did;Ā iĀ walked out on the nsg muns, and i did it as peaceably as i could. i still cared about the nsg muns. most of them were my friends, good friends.
i cried a lot that night. i cried a lot in the days after.
i found out belatedly that lari was supposed to message me over the weekend before the eval dropped. i began to wonder if lari was just too busy or if our falling out had gotten in the way of this. to this day, i still donāt know.
from this point, there was a lot of discussion on how to remove jimin. mir tells me that kt entertainment would need to find a reason to let jimin go. they value him, i guess.
i want to mention, and iām sure this isnāt news to anyone, but jimin was something like a light in the dark for me. when everything was bad in my real life, i could escape to write for jimin, who was a much happier muse who usually had happier things going on for him. he was a brighter character who loved the life he was living on most days. he was in love with jeongguk, starting to feel better after the july evaluationās song had a concept that fit him better... jimin was actually starting to feel somewhat more positive about debut on the horizons... when we discussed pulling him, mir suggested that jimin can struggle with an injury or with the debut, but after everything that i had been through, i couldnāt bring myself to write about my muse suffering when i felt like i had gone through so much myself. perhaps itās selfish but i needed jimin to stay that bright light for me. i needed hope. somewhere. anywhere. my anxiety and depression, whatever it is that iām dealing with, was starting to spin wildly out of control...
with this in mind, i refused the injury and similar offers, and i explained the same things that iām explaining now. i told her that iām desperateĀ ā i used this exact wordĀ ā for some positivity for him. anything. i didnāt want the reason to fall onto jimin, that heād be consideredĀ āunfitā for nsg as she suggested too. (that didnāt make sense to me because if he wasĀ āunfitā then why would he be included in both nsg units?? and over ktās golden singer kim jongdae? there must have been some reason why jimin fit both concepts...) i didnāt want jimin to have to get sick or have an injury or struggle mentally. i was not in a good mental space myself to be able to write those things without it becoming triggering, and i donāt think that i knew how to word that to them at the time. maybe thatās my fault for being incapable.
in august, i remember being left in this strange sort of void with jimin. finding a solution took the entire month, and the whole time, i didnāt know if i should be writing trainee replies or if jimin was even in kt entertainment... i didnāt know anything. i understood the mod team was busy and real life takes priority, but it was incredibly frustrating to be dragged out for weeks and weeks. it became a bit hurtful to watch the remaining nsg muns move on and begin to make plans for their august evaluation without me when i didnāt know what was going on with jimin yet. (i had never left the nsg group chat because there was no official decision i could give to them regarding jiminās departure, and it was my goal to make my withdrawal as painless as possible for them and their muses. i knew they had been through a lot too, having waited years for this debut to then watch nsg start to fall apart... i wanted it to be as easy as possible.) by the end of the month, i knew even mir was frustrated with it all too when her messages to me became very short and blunt and clipped.
along the way, i came up with the idea that a sphere employee could have seen jimin perform in the nsg july evaluation and the employee could have advised for sphere to swoop him up from kt. the few months remaining in jiminās contract could be bought out by sphere entertainment; the money from this could be the incentive kt needs to let jimin go; and sphere could resign him for two years ā a contract buyout. the same kind of thing that happened with rkmiya years ago. this way, nothing falls on jimin. the two-year contract was important to me. i had worried that if jiminās contract expired in december 2020 that he wouldnāt resign, after being pulled from a debut lineup. he might be inclined to just leave, especially when nsg had been incredibly painful for him ic as well. i hoped that another two years would tie him to the entertainment industry for enough time to fall back in love with it again, to regrow his passion for performing and regrow his desire to be an idol. i explained this in great detail, reread the messages before i sent them multiple times to make sure it was clear.
mir and the admod team agreed to this. they told me this arrangement was okay, and she told me i would be getting my submit from the event blog soon. i believed everything is going to be okay. jimin and i could finally start looking up. maybe, maybe things would get better.
no. when i get my submit, itās not what we agreed to at all.
part vi.
Youāre pulled aside by a KT staff member early in your day, right after you finish breakfast. The reason behind this is unclear, but youāre led down Seochoās hallways to an unfamiliar office, where a man sits. āHello, Jimin-ssi,ā he greets you, despite you never seeing him before. āIām a representative of Samsung Entertainment. Iām involved in the relations between all five companies under Samsung,ā he explains, and he pauses for a moment, either to let you process it or to decide how to word what comes next. āThereās a deal weād like to offer you. Lately, Sphere Entertainment has been on the search for new male trainees, and theyād like you to join them. Katie Lee agreed that this would be beneficial to you after a long talk with Sphereās CEO. Should you choose to accept this offer, your contract will be transferred to Sphere Entertainment, effective immediately. You can start training as a Sphere trainee as early as tomorrow, but if you need some time to decide, by all means.ā
when i read this, i was confused at first. it was incredibly vague and didnāt mention any of the parts that i had discussed. it sounded like jiminās contract would be simply... transferred.... that once jimin moved to sphere, he was only moving to live out the remaining months of his contract and then (possibly) be presented with a renewal. before responding to this, i wanted more clarification, and i asked the rkevent blog if this submit implied a two year contract. i mention that a regular transfer is not what had been discussed. (i have the screenshots on my phone, but would like to explain things for context, so iāll refrain from using them right now.)
hey! sorry to bother. i have a question about jiminās submit. it wasnāt included in the post, so i wanted to ask if jiminās contract is being transfered and will still expire on december 1, 2020, rather than bought out and offered a two year contract which would then expire sometime in august of 2022. a transfer, as opposed to a new contract, is different than what was discussed. i was under the impression that we had reached an agreement and were on the same page for the new contract type of situation based on the response and conversation. if i could ask for sime clarification on the expiry date, iād appreciate it. ;///;
(also i can probably still work with the submit as is, so i donāt think anything new has to be written, but i just need some light shed on the details, since this wasnt mentioned.)
thanks so much. again, sorry to bother.
the response was this:
Hello! Yes, his contract would still expire in December.
in that moment i was stunned. i wondered if there had been some miscommunication somewhere. i didnāt believe that there had been any between me and mir, but since mir was the go-between for me and the admod team, i wondered if she had said something that they misunderstood. the mods wouldnāt really... go back on their word, would they?
i reply with a message asking to understand what the mods view of the ic situation was, since it clearly differed from my own. i wondered if it was a simple mistake and if there was a way to fix this. i said this:
oh. it seems like weāre on different pages, so if i can ask, what is your / the mod perspective on the ic situation? (as in, what events are happening ic from the mods view?) respectfully, iām trying to understand why i was given something that goes against what was agreed upon. iād like to know why this happened because iām not okay with the team going back on the agreement. if i was told that a [contract] buyout was okay, then naturally, i believed that this is what i would receive.
the response was:
The IC situation from the mods is that Jimin would be transferring from a debut ready group to a company without a debut process in the making. Because this is the case, he would be given a transfer of contract rather than a buyout as we generally reserve buyouts among rookies and trainees that are being moved to a company that has a group ready to make a debut and requires members. Since the new company is taking on the remainder of his contract, by the end, they can see whether or not they want to resign him and if Jimin likes the new company enough to resign.
i didnāt understand... why i was being told this...? and maybe it makes me look bad to reveal all of this, but i truly just wanted to understand and plead my case. i had been through so much in the past months and the pain of it all was unbearable.
so i said:
i understand this.
privately, i explained to mir why i requested for it to be a buyout. from what i was told, both she and the team has understood my concerns and would allow it. i understand and respect how things are set for the roleplay. my issue is, if the buyout was approved before, i donāt understand the sudden change in decision. i was not warned or given an indication that there was an issue with this.
as we had agreed upon a buyout, iād still like to politely ask for this agreement to be honored.
i knew i was treading thin ice here. i could feel that i was doing something i shouldnāt have by standing up for myself... (and what an awful thing that is to say... that standing up for myself is something i shouldnāt do...) but i was nervous and wanted to understand. there was an agreement and it wasnāt being upheld. i tried to stay calm and respectful despite everything. i really did. i didnāt want them to see how much it was hurting me to know i could be forced in the end to write jimin through a much more painful path. i couldnāt even focus anymore really. it all felt like everything was beginning to fall apart.
they said:
As we explained and you have previously said, contract buyouts rarely occur and if they do they are limited to rookies and trainees that are about to debut. However as Jimin will not become either of those, we can only offer a company transfer to adhere to realism as realistically KT would not want to let Jimin go this close to debut. A transfer allows a new company to monitor Jimin in their environment and see if he is fit to their standards as opposed to KTās. Unfortunately, I think our communication may have gotten mixed up as it was understood by the team that a contract transfer or contract buyout, as these are two different things, would be okay for Jimin per your conversations with Mir. For the situation, a contract transfer would suit Jimin best and is what will be the ultimate offer for Jimin at the end.
so... iām left here... feeling pretty fucking broken at this point for being spoken to this way after everything, from a place that i had loved so dearly... and i message mir about it who claims there was a miscommunication and she tells me that she thought i meant something else, despite me telling her in specific detail... i give her the benefit of the doubt. maybe i had missed something... i know i didnāt.
i asked if there was a way to rectify the situation. there was not.
and i know i lost it. before, i had tried so hard to keep my composure, to make sure that every message i sent to mir was kept strictly on a mun-to-mod basis because we were friends outside of this all. i know i said some things that i cannot take back to mir. but i donāt regret reminding that the whole reason i chose to leave was for my mental health that rian had used me, that i was dragged out for a month and a half without a resolution, that jimin had been removed prematurely without discussion... that the admod team was going back on their word... iām sorry that it was like this... but... i know in the moment, i wanted someone to feel just for a moment, just an ounceĀ of what i was going through. i said closureĀ is whatās best for jimin... i knew in the end, itās me who would have to write through these consequences.
shortly after, there was a post on the main that further dragged out this point about buyouts vs. transfers, trying to establish a rule of sorts that had not existed before my situation. i believed it was written for me, maybe to hurt me, as it was so obviously directed at me without naming names. they claimed that many people were asking, but who else was discussing buyouts and transfers with them at the time than me? if hurting me was the goal, they succeeded. it was a petty move, but it cut like a knife.
i had been told by others at the time who knew vaguely of the situation to think of the mods and how the mods must be feeling having to deal with this entire situation. i understood that they might be stressed by everything. nsgās predicament was so incredibly layered, so many muns upset about so many different things. i made sure i proofread every message i sent to ensure that i was considerate of the modsā feelings. up until the last message i sent, i tried to think of what itād be like to be on the receiving end of my messages. i promise you i did. but i want to say, too, that being told to be considerate and empathetic of others when those same people couldnāt show the same consideration for me absolutely was not what i needed to hear in that moment where the mods were putting everything above my health. and iām sorry that iām only brave enough to admit that now.
what i was left with was this: the admins prioritized their realism and their roleplay over my mental health, even when they knew this entire time how badly i was doing health-wise... and i couldnāt... do it anymore... after nsg... after being given the hope of something better... to have that ripped away... to have everything fall apart... jimin being my one hope when everything was so dark already... nothing was getting better in my real life, only worse...
i gave up. it was all too much and i wasnāt strong enough to try to push again. i just wanted it all to stop. i let jimin take the transfer. i sobbed for hours when i left the kt chat.
i didnāt tell anyone, but i relapsed that night. after being clean since the beginning of the year, i couldnāt think anymore. i couldnāt stop myself. i felt too much. i wished i could die. everything was caving in, and i couldnāt breathe, and i relapsed.
part vii.
thereās a weird grey fog that settled over after jimin moved to sphere. i remember not really being able to establish him very well in sphere and regretting moving him at all. i remember struggling so much with his character and having to write out how depressed and wounded he himself was for being taken out of nsg like that. i remember telling myself i couldnāt give up though. i remember wanting to see him through to a happier end, even if iād have to try for one for him myself. i wanted something to go right for him at the very least, if things couldnāt go right for me.
i remember... things started to melt together in my real life. i donāt actually remember much. i didnāt try to get better or stop relapsing again. thereās really no point... the world got darker and darker... covid-19 spiked a lot here where i am with little containment, and my workplace began to have spikes of it. my sister fucking ran out on the family and the cops were at my house. i remember... i remember derealizing...? i think thatās what itās called?? iām not sure but i would become so convinced that everything around me wasnāt real, genuinely. in those moments, nothing is... this reality isnāt... it doesnāt exist. thereās a different me whoās happier, and this is the wrong timeline. if anything were to kill me, maybe it wouldnāt actually kill me, because iām not the real me, wrong timeline... thatās sort of how it feels. like iām watching myself in a movie...? itās hard for me to find words for it. iāve gone through periods of this since jonghyunās passing, but this was... different. it was much more frequent, and i genuinely have holes in my memory where i canāt remember how i got home from work?? i became really scared of myself.
i... hesitate to speak on this because it still continues on even now. and i know... i know i should seek help because iām really scared... but my mental health doesnāt matter. and that keeps ringing in my head. i canāt... i canāt get past it.
i think it was sometime in october that jkookrk was pulled into nsg. and i remember... rina had told me about it beforehand but i lost my composure when the post dropped. i remember thinkingĀ āeveryone is going to get their happy ending except for meā and how ironic it is that i was the one who advocated the most for everyone to get along and find our happy ending together. rina was so excited too. i felt so bad for reacting the way that i did, breaking down on her. i wanted to be happy with her too. i know jeongguk wanted it too, and i didnāt blame her for taking the chance.
i was deeply suicidal by october. i remember... i got everything ready in early-to-mid october... all i had to do was just do it. but i told myself to wait until october 28th because it would be on a day where i wouldnāt have to work the next day and burden anyone... i forced myself to wait because i wanted to say goodbye to the people i loved and prepare everything so no one would have to be burdened by me. i took a hiatus that would last through it so i wouldnāt have to think about rkjimin... and i wanted to tell the people i loved that i was grateful for them being in my life and that i loved them. that it wasnāt their fault that i was losing myself and couldnāt bear anymore. i wanted to say goodbye to my real life friends and make sure i made enough money for my mom to not worry about what iām leaving behind. but i still needed to do it. the pain wouldnāt end until i ended it myself.
i still stand by that.
and then... rookies closed on the 21st. maybe itās the universe telling me i canāt go just yet. iāll never know... i donāt know... if iām happy that this happened. i feel nothing really. iām empty. it is remarkable how you can be so full yet so empty. i was thrown by the closing, as it was the only thing i never could have predicted.
rina tried to keep my head up during this entire year, telling me that maybe there would be better things in store for jimin. biancaās mod post confirmed that there would not be. i canāt tell you how much that killed me inside, but it only confirmed what i already knew at that point. i had fucked up by standing up for myself. jimin would never get a happy ending or debut or anything, and my mental health does not matter. it doesnāt matter, it will never matter. it means less than a roleplay, less than fiction.
i was drifting after this. i have been. i feel like iāve lost all contact with pretty much anyone. and it hurts so much but... i just want to let go now. i just want to forget it all. one of my real life friends approached me on discord about how iāve been because i guess he noticed iām āoffā...? i told him some of what iāve been going through... how iāve been losing touch... and i really donāt deserve someone like him... he offered to get covid-tested so he could take me to my therapy appointments, if i could just call to schedule them...
but i canāt. it doesnāt matter. my mental health doesnāt matter. i canāt get past this. my mental health doesnāt matter. iāve learned my lesson now. iāve got it.
i hope that by writing this out, this is the last time i can think about this. maybe... i can at least just get out all these things that iāve been holding inside of me and put something to rest. i didnāt write this to drag anyone or get any attention. i really donāt care if anyone ever sees this or not. i just want to let go now.
please, whatever you do, please donāt ever do this to someone else. i beg of you. please donāt ever make another human being feel like this, that their mental health doesnāt matter. itās unbearable. it rips me open so much...
i want to move on. i want to be free. iām so sorry that itās like this, but this is my truth. i wish i wasnāt so stupid. iām sorry for being so weak and for never getting any better. if i can, i just want to try to heal now. iām so so sorry.
