does it fucking kill you too?

@rlymakesuthink

the mcelroys say "no bummers" but i say how bout i do... anyway

258 posts

thursday, december 25, 2025. 10:27 pm

merry christmas, please don't call

i saw your pain and i held it. and it crushed me and i bent my body into uncomfortable angles and tried desperately to distribute the weight, to withstand until you were ready to give it back. but it wasn't enough.

i know, how we got here. and i want to change it and make it so that it could hurt less or i could be better, but that's not the problem. at the end of the day you're just like him and my love can not heal someone's pain and brokenness as much as i would like it to.

we both know, what happened to you, why you're out on your own

you should know that i died slow

it's just you and your anger

merry christmas, please don't call.

wednesday, november 26, 2025. 4:01 pm.

how do i feel less useless!

my self confidence in myself as a friend, as a good person to be around, is shredded beyond repair. apparently i am an idiot, unintelligent and stupid and incapable of doing anything but mess up.

am i insane? am i just the unfair target that's been chosen for this particular brand of meanness?

i feel like i have no worth. there is no value in having m around. i am a bad roommate, a useless friend, an incompetent coworker. i make things worse. i am too tired to do the bare minimum. i am constantly in pain. i am alone on thanksgiving. how can i be expected to do anything but cry??

monday, september 23, 2025. 11:41 pm

I'm feeling like i really haven't in months. maybe even longer? where my heart beats out of me and there is a vibrating thrum of unending uncertainty, somewhere around my diaphragm.

i am stressed about the apartment, i am anxious abt my dumb slip up, i am stressed about the dress code and the training, and the stakes of it all. i feel bad for him for having to share with me, a mess, and i feel bad period. i am so exhausted and nothing helps.

maybe if i slept now id feel better, but i kinda doubt it

saturday, august 30, 2025. 12:56 am.

two days ago, i had to throw away the pillow that ive had since i was in middle school, if not earlier. it was f's favorite pillow. i put a pillow case that i tie-dyed at camp on it, and she slept on it every night, right next to my head. when she died, i put off washing it for so long, because it was covered in her fur. but g peed on it, so there was nothing to be done.

im selling the dresser I refurbished. i bought it for $20, and spent hours and hours stripping off the thick coats of latex paint, sanding and cleaning and staining and changing the hardware. im really proud of it, but there's no room for it in the new place. I spent mornings and afternoons and evenings in the driveway at home, carefully treating and preparing the wood. i listed it for $125, and a woman messaged me right away, to buy it for her son. he's coming to pick it up tomorrow.

how do i tell my cats that this is the last night they will sleep here? they don't know, and i can't explain it to them, but they will never see this place again. why does it make me heartstoppingly sad to think about that?

a year ago, i was devastated. i lost my home, and the meager semblance of self-confidence i built. i don't feel secure in anything. im not sure how to find peace amidst the loss.

thursday, august 28, 2025. 1:14 am.

im an absolute idiot. genuinely, not sure how i managed to shoot myself in the foot this badly

ive been putting off picking up my meds, and this is the 4th day without them. and im already feeling emotionally smashed. everything feels bad, the amount of negative thoughts in my brain is actually horrendous. it's like a constant cycling of every negative thoughts that ive ever thought or been told about myself. plus i feel physically anxious in a way that i haven't in years.

my hands are so shaky, and my heart feels like it'll leave my chest. i feel like the worst person alive. and i have this interview, which i have put so much hope and potential into. im absolutely terrified. i really really hope i don't mess this up

thursday, august 7, 2025. 1:57 am.

it's so hard for me to rationalize or process this as anything other than "got to close to someone again, so they decided they're done." 2.5 is a pattern, right? i know, rationally, that i have friends who i am close with who ARE kind and accepting of me as a person. but the dark and evil part of my brain says "your love is poison. how dare you inflict that upon another person."

thursday, august 7, 2025. 1:49 am.

maybe the cruelest part is that now whenever i have any sort of emotional reaction to anything, i cringe with guilt. "low tolerance for anything unpleasant." "overly anxious." and here i am, proving exactly that to be right.

i know im not actually. but it really truly feels like it, and then it sends me into that awful loop (and then i feel guilty and ashamed for that). moral of the story is: never be emotionally vulnerable to anyone, ever! because they might vindictively turn their knowledge of your weaknesses on you when they have a bad day!

monday, July 28, 2025. 12:51 am

i hope i ruin every piece of media we ever watched together for him. forever

monday, july 28, 2025. 12:41 a.m.

how am i already starting to romanticize and blur what he did? my self-hatred and tendency to take on blame is so deeply entrenched that i instinctively started to take on guilt and shift the narrative in my head. subconsciously rewriting the story, til somehow i made a choice that was 'wrong' or 'bad' that brought this upon myself. that is not what happened, i remember!

he was mean to me! persistently, brutally, callously, and selfishly. for months, if not a year, and then unprovokedly hurting me in the most deliberate and cruel way. then he cut me off! that is not something that i triggered or asked for. the only choice i have made is to cut my losses and not engage with someone who has no regard for me and my feelings.

i remember, ages ago, writing that 'if only he knew how much he hurt me, surely then he wouldn't keep doing this?'. but that was clearly wrong. he blew up all of his pent up anger at me, like the emotionally stunted child he is, and then, whether in some act of self-martyrdom or just plain selfishness, cut me off in nonsensical rambling of a supposed justification. i think very little of myself, but surely i deserve better than this

friday, july 18, 2025. 1:16 am.

re-reading my old posts, and my heart is breaking for my past self. and my current self too, tbh. i knew this was a validation of my greatest fear but i forgot how viscerally and fearfully i have dreaded this confirmation

this is unfair. i deserve better. and i am angry! i deserve a friend who can be a fucking adult and talk about what upsets them and actually care about others and how their words affect people. bare fucking minimum!!!!! i was so, so willing to talk and work through it. and i thought he was too.

i have bent over backwards, continually pouring emotional energy into a boring, resentful brick wall who hates me for putting forth the effort. and im somehow the villain because he's an immature and petty ass who's somehow regressed what little emotional intelligence he has in favor of isolation and anger and the dullest redditloser sense of humor on the face of the earth.

friday, july 18, 2025. 1:04 am.

i think it just feels like whenever i forget about it, i should be remorseful and fixate on it again. like mourning, but in a worse and more toxic way.

its bad enough to be misunderstood, or not known. i have a hard enough time with that broadly. but to be so badly misunderstood, and misinterpreted, and reviled, by someone who used to know me better than anyone in the world? its crushing.

it's a different flavor of grief, to be sure, but still the same beast. the pain of shifting a person from present to past tense. less horrific and mutilating than death, to be sure. but still overwhelmingly mournful.

it's like the bad punchline of a stupid emo meme- he was on "i hate you" island the whole time. every worst case scenario was right. and it only furthers his stupid presumptuous thesis, because ive been the annoying anxious bitch the whole time.

he's wrong about nearly everything else, ranting to some bizarre straw woman he's created that is leagues from any person ive been or will be. but he still managed to hit my fucking achilles heel and destroy every kind thing ive ever dared to think about myself in one fell swoop.

monday, july 14, 2025. 2:21 am.

but i will transcend

and vomit this loser out of me

i will become the next big thing

i will light myself on fire

my mom said "i think there hasn't been anything good in your friendship for a long time." and that hurt because apparently he thinks it too.

i was the idiot still thinking we were friends and he thought decently of me. thought stupidly that the love i give to my good friends is reciprocated. wrong! idiot!

wednesday, july 9, 2025. 1:07 am.

proof of love: i am here, and my kitties surround me and sleep, bellies exposed, because they like to be close to me.

i feel ripped apart but i am secure and i am loved and valuable in a solid and immutable way.

wednesday, July 2, 2025. 1:12 am.

this is awful. like my entire brain is whipped into a useless anxiety and obsessive stew. this uncertainty is killing me. i can't cope. the self hatred is still there of course but now im also just furious and devastated as well. i have been thru too much to be this hurt by someone i thought was my friend.

sunday, june 15, 2025. 1:35 am.

if i were a pencil, id be at the point where you've erased too much and too aggressively and now the eraser is level with the metal around it and just scratches gouges into the paper whenever you try to erase.

my brain is being burned and snipped to the quick and i really really really gotta deal with this as soon as i can.

tuesday, may 27, 2025. 6:34 pm.

it really feels pointless right now. what do i have? to ground myself in, to look forward to, to live for. i am alone, i am broke, i am unemployed and looking toward tens of thousands in debt. i have never been loved. those i thought loved me, just fundamentally misunderstood me.

i have no home. there is nowhere to return to. there never will be again. there is nothing i can do about it.

my jaw, my neck, my head, my bones ache. i am so tired and sad i can scarcely move. the loss ahead of me feels like it may drown me and there is no one near to understand or console or hold me. i have not been hugged in so long. i desperately want someone to be close to me, to want to be near me.

i can hardly drag myself out of bed. why is there a point? ah yes, can't wait to be lonelier than before and making enormous debt payments, working a job that i probably won't enjoy, still alone, with no home to return to.

what exactly am i supposed to be happy about?

friday, may 16, 2025. 1:29 pm.

can't tell if I'm super anxious or this is just how potent my meds have been??? but i have felt like my heart is beating out of my chest for days. fully in "every person ive ever interacted with ever hates me" mode. and not in the funny cutesy relatable way. like crawling out of skin with certain fear of how the girl who does my nails secretly doesn't like me at all. everyone ive ever interacted with thinks i am a failure who makes excuses and isn't actually capable of doing much. that im secretly just hollow, all smiles and the approximation of competence and kindness with no real substance or value.

im in a bad spot rn. and i can't even afford therapy right now! ha!

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