Wanderer @rmesteban - Tumblr Blog

He tried and is tired.

Sameth.

November 2, 2019.

Last night was a revelation. That I am still emotional about my past, that I am still hurting from the things that was done to me.

1/ I remembered my first ever purchase of a Home Microwave for my Mom. That was 3 Christmas' ago. That is also the time, that my Dad threw it away along with the garbage. It broke me; seeing the same place where I bought it reminded me everything - and this is the first time I went to this place again. Validation, check.

2/ I am still moving on from the process that my Dad chose the other people (not our immediate family), than me. My immediate family told me it was petty. How dare they. They don't know the pain that I had. They don't know the humiliation that caused me. They don't know that caused me, as an individual. They'll never know, they never asked.

3/ It was the time of the year that I am free from all the stress, that I had time to spare and enjoy a movie. I invited them for a movie. Then the a**hole called, inviting us for dinner - funny? They all agreed. I even told them, that I don't want to join. But they insisted. They never cared. They never thought about me. They only think about theirselves.

What happened? You ask. We'll, I went out to buy some dinner, and left my garage open. All of a sudden, when I went home, someone is parked there already. I asked who it was, and HE LEFT ME HANGING UNTIL SOME COPS TRIED TO PUSH ME AWAY since I don't have a garage. He told me to calm myself, and I told him no. The funny part? The a**hole didn't even apologized for what he did, well so as my Dad - for me that makes them the same. #NeverAgain

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Today, I decide. I will do things that make me happy. Now, I'll think about myself. I'll do what I think will make me happy. Since even my own family, doesn't care.

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Tumblr makes me, bold. So I'll leave it here as a venting board for all my feels. Thanks

I like to believe everything. I want to believe that you'll never leave me. That you will always be there. That we won't hurt each other, that we'll be fine and well all the time. But we're not perfect. We can't do everything perfectly. I have a lot of issues in my life. I have a lot of boundaries that even I can't understand. I'm having a hard time coping up to the world. What people expect of me. But I need to be the person that they want to see. I need to be strong because people want me to be strong. And I do that, I do everything para maplease ang mga tao. Pero bakit? Bakit ako kailangan masaktan. Bakit hindi ako pwede maging first priority. Bakit lagi akong last option. Bakit pag may spare time, tsaka ako yung kakausapin. Bakit kung kailan lang ako magrreact, tsaka lang marrealize nang mga tao na kailangan ko din maging priority. Hindi ba by default na kailangan ko din maging top priority kahit sa ibang tao? But I think ako lang to. Baka nagooverthink lang ako. Thanks for today, world.

R

Real or Fantasy? These are the choices that I need to look at. Do I need to hold the reality that I am at pain, and needs to be isolated for better cure. Or am I just fantasizing that everything will be better in the end?

H

Honestly, I just want to close my eyes and sob. Or just want to open my eyes and be aware that I want to stop breathing. It's either me enduring all these pain, or me accepting the fact I need to handle everything alone.

O

Observing everything around me. Do I deserve this? Why the hell am I experiencing this? What have I done to feel these craps? Maybe, because this is me. This is the path that I should really be.

A

Absorbing all the negative things that are happening right now. I just can't go back to where I was. I just can't imagine on being the person who I was months ago.

L

Literally at the point of falling apart. Just waiting for the emotion of having just tiny feeling for me just to feel something.