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Isoveli: Tiiäkkö ku on batman ja superman ja muita tämmösiä, nii eikö vois olla semmonen suomalainen supersankari ku ‘vituiksmän’ ja sillä vaan menis kaikki aina päin vittua

inky-duchess

Worldbuilding: Crime & the Legal System

Where there is crime, there is justice. Or some semblance of an excuse at least. When writing a world, you must have a system of law and order or else everything goes to shit.

Crimes

When we look at news headlines all around the world each country seems to have a popular crime. Some countries just have either bad luck, or shitty laws or there is just an interest in that certain crime. America has its gun violence. Mexico has its drug cartels. Scotland used to have a cattle raiding problem. If your kingdom is a coastal one, perhaps its most popular crime is piracy.

It is easier to look at your crimes from local to national. Start from a village and work your way to a city. Cities will have more serious crimes and more criminals. But even the smallest town will not be exempt from crime.

From ancient times to fairly recently, in most countries at least, traveling could be a dangerous task. Highwaymen, bandits and outlaws ruled the roads and pirates ruled the seas.

Look at the aspects of your land and the ranks of people. What status is more like to commit which crime? What area is likely to have the highest thievery rates?

Order

Like it or not, somebody must keep the order. Nottingham has its Sheriff, Ireland its Gardaí and King’s Landing its City Watch. Somebody is hired to keep the peace all the time in larger cities. They may parole the streets, investigate leads and keep the streets safe. Villages will usually have someone to look over their safety, who are usually hired by the local lord or knight.

Of course, not everything is black and white. Some of these peace keeps could and will most likely be dirty. Nobody in the world cannot be bought. Some of the order keepers might be won over with bribes and some with favours. How easy is it to bribe a member of the organization?

If the order catches a suspect, what’s the process. How do they question them? Kindly? Torture? Bribery?

Sometimes it is easier to look at the ruler of the land or their councillors or their government. Are they strong? Or weak? Weak leaders equal weak order. Strong leaders, rule with iron fists and will keep their people in line.

Law

“Laws ought to be made of iron not pudding”- Stannis Baratheon.

Laws strengthen the kingdom and protect the people.

But law can be a flimsy concept. People believe law makes you unable to do something where it reality it makes sure that you don’t contemplate it.

When thinking of laws of your kingdom, it is best to follow real world laws. Laws usually cover murder, thievery, assault and defamation among other things. Cover each basis.

Implementing the law revolves around a system. Once the police or city watch catch a person, they are then brought before a court. The court may be ruled over by a judge or a lord. It is the lord’s task to deliver justice in his own constituency. If the crime is too large, they may send the accused to a greater lord or in dire circumstances, they might even go before the monarch.

Punishment

All criminals that can be proven guilty will be punished. Some crimes may warrant a fine, some for imprisonment and some even for execution. Some minor crimes could lead to imprisonment and fines. More serious crimes could lead to public corporal punishment such as a whipping. The more public the punishment they more the people will know its a bad idea.

If a peasant commits a theft, they might be imprisoned or as for mediaeval times get their thumbs cut off or even branded. A noble who commits treason, could be imprisoned or executed.

But ask yourself. Are there ways to avoid justice? Could bribery get you off the hook? Can blackmail? No system is perfect.

bellecs

ofgeography

so here’s a fun story about this movie. guess who loves this movie? me! i do! i love this movie. i love this movie so much that when i was in the 7th grade and i saw “first wives club 2” on pay per view i was like: HELL YEAH!! FIRST WIVES CLUB TWO!! NO ONE TOLD ME THERE WAS A SEQUEL!!!

here’s the synopsis for first wives club 2:

disgruntled first wives take their ex-husbands’ new lovers under their wing.

sounds great, right? awesome viewing material for a precocious 11-year-old.

so i buy this movie, and like, three minutes into it i’m starting to feel suspicious?? like it’s really low quality and my girls are nowhere in sight?? how come none of the first wives are the same?? how come they’re alone in a bedroom with mood lighting?? why is she taking off her shirt?? why are they both taking off their shirts?? WHY ARE THEY–

here’s what i did not know about first wives club 2:

it is a lesbian porno of no relation to the beloved 1996 classic.

so of course i, horrified that i’ve accidentally bought porn on my family’s account (and in that state of panic that kids work themselves into whenever anything regarding sex is mentioned), quickly shut off the TV and go upstairs and watch an episode of veggie tales to like, cleanse my soul and apologize to jesus, and that’s that.

EXCEPT, OF COURSE:

you have to pay for pay per view.

so the end of the month comes and i have completely put this incident out of my mind, haha, i accidentally bought porn, how funny, TELL NO ONE. right? and i’m sitting at a nice dinner with my mother, my stepfather, and my very religious aunt deb, and we’re just talking about farm things, whatever, when suddenly my mother puts her fork down and says, “okay, there’s something we need to discuss. as a family.”

AS A FAMILY.

and i’m like, running through a list of people i know who could conceivably be dead, and fantasizing about my mother announcing that she’s going to buy me My Own Computer Just Because U Earned It Kiddo, and she pulls out a piece of paper that says DIRECTV across the top. and i’m like: OH NO.

“i received the tv bill today,” my mother said, and i was like, shoveling potatoes into my mouth as fast as i could because i knew that when i went to PORN PRISON they weren’t going to feed me this kind of quality starch. “does anybody want to tell me who purchased the pornography?”

as a reminder, a quick table survey:

my mother, surprised and disappointed by the porn bill (innocent)

my stepfather, a grumbly old cowboy who just wants to sing along to kenny chesney and watch the hunt for red october (innocent)

my aunt deb, a super religious catholic whose best friend is a nun named Sister Placid (innocent)

me, the 11-year-old with a mouthful of potatoes who definitely purchased the lesbian pornography

silence.

my mother said, “i’m not going to ask again.”

silence.

my aunt looked at my stepdad. my stepdad looked at my aunt. NOBODY LOOKED AT ME, THE 11-YEAR-OLD WITH A MOUTHFUL OF POTATOES WHO DEFINITELY PURCHASED THE LESBIAN PORNOGRAPHY.

my mother shook her head and put the bill down. “this was incredibly inappropriate,” she said. “skip, deb, whoever. buy that shit on your own time. i’m not paying for it. what if molly had seen it?”

WHAT IF MOLLY HAD SEEN IT?

“don’t expose my kid to that crap.”

DON’T

EXPOSE

MY KID

TO THAT CRAP

“if you want to watch porn, fine, but do it in private and don’t expect me to pay for it. i can’t believe one of you did that in the living room.”

I CAN’T BELIEVE ONE OF YOU DID THAT

IN THE LIVING ROOM

but molly, why didn’t you own up to it and explain that it was an accident?

are you fucking kidding

i did not want to go to porn prison

the fun conclusion to this story is that i never owned up to it, which means that there are 3 people in the world who have not solved the mystery of the lesbian porn. a quick survey:

my mother, who lives every day wondering whose porn she paid for

my stepfather, who probably wishes he knew less about his wife’s sister’s porn preferences

my aunt, who probably wishes she knew less about her sister’s husband’s porn preferences

but molly, why don’t you own up to it now, with the safety of time and distance and the knowledge that porn prison isn’t real?

are you fucking kidding

this is the best thing i’ve ever done

lihakivaari

venetsiankauppias

In a memory of Tiimari, Anttila and Seppälä.

liesdamnedliesandmeta

Every episode of Leverage:

Client: I don’t want his easily stolen physically tangible money Mr Ford, I want the nebulous and undefinable catharsis you can only get from a specific and tailor made karmic revenge that will destroy not only his business but his life, thats all.

en-ole-robotti

Takuulla toimiva kuuri.

nocoolname123

History memes…because I’m a nerd.

magicalinspo

take a breath, spit out the blood in your mouth, and get back up on your feet. you still got a couple of motherfuckers to prove wrong.

ginger-ale-official

Me getting up from the chair at the dentist after a quadruple root canal

mysticmoonhigh-deactivated20211

Your response has nothing to do with ginger ale

ginger-ale-official

and your response doesn’t have anything to do with being the biggest clown on the block but here we are again

pochowek

I curse the rains down in africa

mesopelagic

you cant do that

pochowek

there’s nothing that a hundred men or more could do to stop me

vladtheunfollower

bagh0st-deactivated20240223

Hes trying his best. I love him.

mockwa

Russian roads, only 30 sec

vonisv

What’s with Russia and dashcams?

thathomestar

to have car insurance in russia, dashcams are required because russians are terrible drivers

intel-i386-deactivated20160703

did you really need to ask what’s up with dashcams in Russia after watching this video

avella

Örp. Lähetin paripäivää sitte työhakemuksen, liitteinä luonnollisesti CV ja työtodistus. Paitti ettei ollu. Koska olinki lähettäNYT VITTU TÄMÄN KUVAN TODISTUKSEN SIJAAN. Ainaki erotun.