#011 | lost
I never thought I would be experiencing this ever, in my life. I know 2020 sucked for most people because of the pandemic, but it’s funny because I was thriving. At least that’s what I thought before I started getting major anxiety about the pandemic ending and being forced to go back to how I lived my life previously. It took a pandemic for me to get a taste of freedom and I didn’t want that taken away again. I realized I wasn’t entirely happy about my life or my relationship for that matter.
I realized I was never top priority.
It took me 12 years of being in this relationship (2 years of marriage) to realize this. How could I have been so blind?
I didn’t even really discover this on my own either. I made a great friend who truly understands me and who is so similar to me that it’s unreal. I’ve never felt so understood like this, ever. This bond I have with him is so important to me and I am afraid it will go away, but there’s so much to it that is so hard to explain. He felt there was a tiniest cry for help when I talked to him about my relationship with my in-laws. I denied it at first, but all of a sudden, it was like my whole world came crashing down when my parents announced they’d be leaving each other.
It’s crazy how things just play out that way. I knew my parents weren’t for each other, and it was only a matter of time before they made it official. As a kid I wanted them to split up because it was causing so much stress and pain in the household. It was a toxic relationship. I felt like I had to protect my brother while he hid in my closet and I had to be strong for him.
That protective mentality clouded my judgement over the years. Whenever I wanted to end my relationship, I felt like I couldn’t, for the sake of my brother because they were buddies. How stupid is that? I should know from personal experiences that staying together for the sake of someone else just hurts everyone, including the one you wanted to protect all along. That was the reason why I wanted my parents to just end their relationship, so why was I doing the exact same thing?
So, I stayed in my relationship, dating for 10 years. I “rushed” to get married when I found out my grandpa was dying. I wanted to get married before he died but that didn’t end up working out. Two years after, the pandemic caused reality to hit me with full force. I was never happy all along.
Sadly the friend I made is suffering too in his relationship. What’s killing me is he says he’s having trouble seeing me as just a friend, but I don’t want to lose him and the friendship we have together. It’s that special to me, especially being an INFJ and feeling like I never belonged in the world. I felt like I was living in this strange world myself but I feel like he’s part of that world too.
I’m trying to sort out my thoughts and feelings. Marriage counseling will definitely help so I am looking forward to starting our sessions. I don’t know if I was ever truly happy in my relationship with my husband since I was never his #1 (second to his parents, and for a while, third when it came to friends back in university). I did not feel respected. Our relationship has a parent-child dynamic which affects our intimacy. I also want to know whether this friendship I made is purely platonic or if it’s something else. For a while, I couldn’t get my friend out of my head but I wonder if it’s natural just because I am an INFJ who has found another INFJ that I’ve bonded with.
I wonder if my marriage was doomed from the start. If it can be saved, I wonder if my friend will just disappear.
I’ve never felt so lost.
