Hopeful Ignorance/Blissfully Optomistic=Who I am (right now)
I am fully aware of how hypocritical I can be. I’ve been “trying to do a fast” or “stop drinking for 90 days” or “focus on comedy, acting, and writing every day” since June 2015. Almost 4 years now. Since I moved back to NYC from LA.
What the fuck have I done with my life?
Why the hell am I 20 pounds heavier than I was when I got back in 2015? I was 170. Now I’m about 190? WTF! How did I let this happen?
Why am I not performing as much as I could/should be?
Why am I not auditioning more?
Why am I not in the shape I should be?
Why am I still single?
The answers are more clear to me now than perhaps they were in the past.
I’ve don’t some cool shit. Got to work with Bill Nye and Neil DeGrasse Tyson. Got to cover the New York Comic Con, Brooklyn Horror Film Festival, Interview Billboard top 100 artists, and write for a pretty cool website.
Hell, I even auditioned and made it into the Groundlngs Program in LA (advanced to the intermediate level back in April). I got paid to do comedy a few times, got to perform on a bunch of awesome shows, made some great new friends. But I’ve underachieved. I’ve done.NOTHING to the level I expected yet.
I’ve gained weight in the last year or so because I got super depressed about losing my cousin Donna. I also used that as an excuse to allow my depression to give me a crutch. An excuse to be a “failure” in my own eyes. To drink more, not care, still try and sleep around with random women, etc. But that’s not who I am.
Despite all of that I still have goals and dreams and ambition.
Despite it all...I still work harder than most, I still go to the gym, and I still hold doors open for women. I still try and go on dates. Even if they don’t always go as planned. The most recent being with a woman I still have feelings for, but who seemingly got scared off by my excitement level at the possibility of a healthy relationship. That was my fault. She was into me, attracted to me (told me so), and now just wants to be friends.I guess it’s better than nothing right?
Who knows. Maybe I can try again with her down the line. I don’t give up on things that easily. Or at all sometimes lol unless there’s nothing left to fight for.
I’ve been doing better lately. So I guess I can’t beat myself up completely.
I’ve lost some fat and gained some muscle.
I drink a lot less and I’m eating healthier like I always did before.
I’m writing every day like I always did before.
Hell, I’m marking today... 1/16/19 at 12:18pm EST as the moment I start a COMPLETE WATER FAST just to prove to myself I can fucking do it.
Not for weight loss. Not for vanity. JUST FOR ME.
After that? Well, I have an adventure with that aforementioned girl on 1/17, a Billy Joel concert to attend on 1/24, and a Royal Rumble party to attend 1/26 & 1/27 with some of my closest friends. Then my 90 days of no alcohol or bad carbs begins. A FULL RECLAMATION PROJECT. Because I deserve it.
My goals in 2019? Get the comedy/acting career, get my body/mind back, get the girl, get the car, get MY FUCKING LIFE BACK. Because it’s on ME.
I fucking got this!!!!