today pluto left capricorn, and entered aquarius where it will be for the next twenty years. i felt the transition .. or maybe it was sleep deprivation. either way, i'm feeling bittersweet about it. here are some unorganized reflections about this time for me:
in astrology, pluto represents transformations and rebirth to whatever it touches. in capricorn, which represents societal structures and government, i think we've all witnessed and woke up to the fuckery of it all.
pluto entered capricorn back in 2008. sixteen years ago! i was either 16 or 17. while in capricorn, pluto transited my seventh house of relationships (whole sign- this could mean any form of relationships. platonic, intimate, enemies, etc.), and transiting my eighth house of death/taxes (placidus- from feb 2019 on until current day where it will journey for the next ten years i believe), really anything money and paperwork related. i guided my mom on how to handle money during this time/mainly 2020 and i began to save for the first time in my life.
a lot has happened to me personally during this time frame, and i grew in so many ways that i cannot articulate. even when i was fighting change, felt unsure or confused, i eventually surrendered to the realities of life and watch society change and crumble around (and not benefit) me at the same time. it was for the best. i had to learn to trust myself in making decisions and to prove to my authoritarian counterparts that i can be trusted in those decisions. being a female, you're forever viewed as inferior and no one ever takes you seriously until its too late. its something i've been challenging since i was 10.
i made many unforgettable connections. i met people i look up to, and engaged in conversations with them (i still can't get over peter buck from rem and meeting s club omgomgomg) and even formed friendships. if you know me irl, i am reserved and uncomfortably shy with a resting bitch face. i look unapproachable. but i am far from this. i realize, everyone is human and feels like this as well. no matter their position in life.
i lost a few friendships too. one in particular was incredibly difficult. but that's when i knew i had to set BOUNDARIES on how i wanted to be treated, and remain firm in them. change was coming at me in different ways. i'm pretty sure the election that year was the culprit as well.
paramore's "after laughter" woke me tf up to a lot of the mentioned above. i cried many nights to that album. i finally understood why i was feeling the way i was. it is still on constant replay to this day.
in january 2017 i was diagnosed with PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome). a chronic hormonal disorder where my ovaries became enlarged and formed small cysts to the outer edges of my ovaries. this put me at risk of diabetes, high cholesterol and infertility.
i began to have irregular bleeding around feb 2011. i was 19 omw to 20. i was having menstrual cycles/periods that lasted more than one month. the longest i experienced had to be approaching three months. i went to the hospital where they tried pushing birth control at me. i refused this as an option. i was not sexually active. why would i use something not for its intended use? i knew the risk of taking birth control, especially as a black woman, how it would react to my body (blood clots, weight gain and other complications). i also knew whatever was happening to my body, BC would further complicate it. i ended up researching home remedies and alternatives, and it worked for a few years. i kept track of how long my periods lasted and/or when i missed cycles. but eventually the irregular bleeding returned in late 2016. pushing one of my many fears aside. i went to the gynecologist for the first time where i was diagnosed.
i was at my highest weight, depressed and ready to end my life. my mom, bless her, guided and reassured me i can and will get better. her unwavering support of me, not only during this time, just in general, is unfathomable. i'm an anxious mess.
i had only told a few people about this. mind you, i was still reeling from the end of said friendships and my trust in people, even to those closest to me, was nonexistent at this time.
i thought it was the end of my dream before it even began. i wanted to be able to have children in a "traditional" way one day. as a child of adoption, in my head, i wanted to prove i can do something natural and right in my lifetime. as an identifying female, and choosing to be celibate from a young age (for non religious reasons), until i found someone who matched my convictions, along with childbearing, it was all i have control as this gender. it was a harsh wake up call to my convictions. it also brought a huge awareness on how i was treating my body and my relationship to food and my psychological being.
since the diagnosis, i lost 32 pounds and have maintained this for four years now (even after covid/2020 where i gained 15 of those pounds back- i lost it quickly the next year as the world began to "open" up again). i want to lose more. but no matter how much exercise i implement, or walks i take, it remains stagnant.
this past summer, i took it upon myself to see every basic doctor. a fear i developed over time: taking care of myself. i hadn't seen most of these doctors since i was a child. i saw regular (blood work was good!), dentist (fear- insecure about my teeth/got some fixed and a very thorough cleaning i've been maintaining since), eye (fear- i developed trichotillomania in 2012 due to financial stress my mom and i were experiencing at the time/i can tell you now since july 2024 i now have eyelashes again and i wear glasses after finding out i have slight astigmatism in my left eye and only having 20/40 vision- something i knew i had a long time ago i just didn't want it confirmed), dermatologist (fear- related to my menstrual cycle/around 13 (pluto in sagittarius was a wild trauma forming time btw more on that for another time) i developed hidradenitis suppurativa- i don't think it had a name at the time and i had no idea how to treat it beyond home remedies/after 20 years, seeing the dermatologist saved my life) and the gynecologist. as of september 2024, after a very painful and annoying ultrasound checkup on my uterus, according to my gynecologist my ovaries were back to normal!!!!!! phew.
it is true if your mental health isn't right, your physical health reflects it. and my life hasn't been an easy one. i do believe everything i've lived through did not help my mental and physical health and growth (scars left on my heart, formed patterns in my mind- is a pmore lyric that comes to mind every time). i internalize like no one's business. but i realize suppressing and avoiding is the wrong route. it has to be released and addressed.
i will continue to manage, and do what i've been doing since being diagnosed, to help my body release and heal from life's hovering death grip and learn to love itself. its astonishing the stress and trauma our bodies store from the time we are born, and builds up over time. we don't notice until its late, and an illness has formed from it.
i took a break from astrology in the early 10's. but i eventually returned to it during my progressed lunar return around 2016/2017/during the beginning stages of my diagnosis. i was looking for answers as to why life was happening so much during those years, and gained a deeper understanding on how it works. lo and behold i was officially becoming an adult who was approaching her saturn return (which coincided with covid/shut down- i was freaking the fuck out but i was prepared mentally because i knew it was coming .. just not in the way it presented itself: the pandemilovato). with pluto creeping up right alongside saturn, it has been a double whammy on my psyche for sure.
as i mentioned above pluto is about transformations. saturn is all about karma and accountability. its about growing the fuck up. for REAL. you cannot avoid what it continuously puts in front of you for so long. the moon is your emotions, and mines were being amplified strongly whether i wanted it to or not.
understanding myself, my life and the way its played out so far and understanding others in this form is a privilege not everyone has and i'm not pushy nor braggy about it. if you know about it, cool. if you know i do readings and interpretations, cool. whenever you're ready to know more, i am more than happy to discuss astrology with you. but i would never try to persuade you. you have to come to that conclusion yourself. i'm just trying to make sense of this world, and be a guidance to those who need an ear to hear.
there was loss on many levels throughout this journey. but i gained knowledge, perspective and so much love for myself.
i come out of all of this knowing my boundaries and who i am in my convictions. to remain calm and still within chaos, internally and externally. accept change, and learn to let go.
