Play me the music.

@roccojuly

Rocco July / 41 / Cleveland, OH Music is my first and only love.

676 posts

The Fire's Out Anyway | Throwback | Rocco and Garret

Why was he saying this? What had started off as heartbreaking had now gone past shattering Garret's heart and moved to something deeper. He wasn't sure why he felt angry, annoyed that Rocco refused to allow Garret to love him, but it bubbled up inside of him.

"Don't talk like that! I can't... I can't listen to you talk like that about yourself." He said, slightly louder than he had previously been speaking. "Not everything is about what people deserve or who they're supposed to be with or who they should be with. Sometimes it's just about what people want."

He paused: there was no easy way to tackle Rocco's ending confession. He allowed his anger to calm only long enough to take Rocco's hand. "I know this is hard for you, just... Don't..." Was all he could manage.

"I'm sorry, Garret," he said quietly, unable to say much else. He squeezed his blue eyes shut, tears started to stream down his cheeks. "No one should want me, no one should want me, no one should want me..." The words were spilling out of him faster than he could think about them.

The Fire's Out Anyway | Throwback | Rocco and Garret

Garret wanted to say what his heart had been begging him to for so long. But among all of this, he didn't think he had the strength, so he kept his mouth shut as Rocco spoke, and even for a few beats of silence more.

Every single word that Rocco spoke was heartbreaking. Not because it began to sound more and more like some form of rejection, but because he couldn't bear to see Rocco like this.

"I told you, stop." He said softly, though firmly. "You aren't... You're not dirt, Rocco, stop treating yourself like it. Someone like me probably doesn't even deserve someone like you. Look at us, I'm a washed up failed musician, an alcoholic," he paused, realising he'd never used that word before, "a sarcastic, bitter, entirely lonely guy who's never been in a relationship that lasted anything longer than the time I could get in and get out. I am the worst guy I've ever met." Laying it all out like that, Garret had to wonder how Rocco had ever agreed to this in the first place.

"And you... You're the best guy I've ever met. You're optimistic, you're sweet, you're goddamn nice, you're loyal and you're always just... You do the right thing. I don't. And I don't... If anything, I'm the one who deserves less."

Rocco was quiet, self-loathing thoughts screaming inside him, refusing to just be quiet and let him have this moment of happiness and peace with Garret. He loved Garret, he knew he did, he knew he had since the day they met, but love was, as far as Rocco was concerned, putting someone else's happiness before your own. And that was exactly what he would do. Anything to give Garret a better shot at a truly happy life.

"You're better than what you think you are," he said softly. "And better than I deserve. I'm... I'm a mess, Garret, you don't want me. You don't want to be with a neurotic, mentally ill man--" Mentally ill. He'd heard those words used to describe him all his life, but it felt strange on his tongue, saying it himself. "--who can't even afford to feed himself. You--you don't want to be tied to this shitstorm, trust me. There are times when I consider letting myself out of it."

The Fire's Out Anyway | Throwback | Rocco and Garret

Hearing Rocco phrase his answer - though he didn't answer the question at all - as he did made the pit of Garret's stomach sink. He hated how much Rocco loathed himself, he hated all of it. He always wished Rocco could see him how Garret saw him, but he knew that would never be possible.

"Stop. Stop, stop, stop, stop." Garret repeated, lifting Rocco's chin so he could look into his eyes. "Stop talking about yourself like that. The way I see it is that I probably don't deserve you, no, of course I don't." He paused, wondering what that must have sounded like to Rocco, before clarifying: "I deserve so much worse."

Rocco squeezed his eyes shut in an effort to hide the fact that tears had begun to fill them.

"Garret - I - I..." he sputtered out, trying to explain. He wanted to be with Garret, he did, but he knew Garret didn't feel the same way. (Or at least thought he knew.) And Rocco didn't deserve him anyway.

"There's nothing... nothing I can give to you that you can't get from somebody who can love you better than me."

No one would ever be able to love Garret more, of this Rocco was certain. But countless others could love him better.

The Fire's Out Anyway | Throwback | Rocco and Garret

Garret kissed Rocco again, slowly, and for longer than he previously had. He had never known how to feel, much less how to show his emotions. And while he very much knew what he felt right now, he had far too much trouble trying to express it. Of course, to anyone but Rocco, it would be obvious how he felt by now.

"I want you happy, too." Garret insisted, "so tell me what would make you happy."

Rocco was quiet for a minute, completely unused to being asked what he wanted. It didn't seem to matter much to most people. He wanted Garret - he wanted to be with him.

But he felt in his gut, that wasn't what Garret wanted.

"I..." he choked out. "I--I don't--you don't deserve to be stuck with me."

The Fire's Out Anyway | Throwback | Rocco and Garret

Garret sighed. Of course that was Rocco’s answer. Of course he left it to Garret. Garret had always been the demanding of the two - he would lead and Rocco would follow. Though he liked to imagine their friendship had been fairly side by side, he couldn’t exactly say that was true.

"Please… Please don’t leave that to me." He said quietly. "I don't know anything. About anything. Hell, I think this is the first time I've even been sober in at least a few months. I can't... I can't make decisions."

Rocco let out a quiet sigh, more or less expecting that answer.

"I want you to be happy, Garret," he whispered. "That's all I want."

Even if it meant sacrificing his own happiness.

Garret smiled lightly, though Rocco could probably not see his face, as he kissed his collarbone.

"God only knows how." Garret said with a laugh, before wrapping his arms around Rocco even tighter, pulling him closer. "Thank you. At least that makes one person, right?"

As Rocco…

"I know, I know." Garret said, still stroking the bottom of Rocco’s hair with his thumb. Though he knew Rocco probably wouldn’t judge him at all, he still didn’t feel like he could really say anything about how he felt. Not just yet.

Garret kissed Rocco back gently, as if they were both fragile, now, too scared they might break.

"You can try, hon’, I don’t think I can." He said quietly.

“I…” Rocco faltered, unable to complete his thoughts. The fear of rejection was far too great. He licked his lips. “Kiss me?”

Garret smiled and nodded, leaning down to kiss Rocco slowly. He wasn’t worried anymore about where this was going. He kind of liked the idea of not knowing. There was something about the unknown that always appealed to him. For some reason he knew it wasn’t something that appealed to Rocco.

"Rocco…" He said quietly, "what are we doing?"

The question was terrifying to Rocco, though he did his best not to show it. "I... I thought I'd leave that up to you."

Garret smiled lightly, though Rocco could probably not see his face, as he kissed his collarbone.

"God only knows how." Garret said with a laugh, before wrapping his arms around Rocco even tighter, pulling him closer. "Thank you. At least that makes one person, right?"

As Rocco…

"I know, I know." Garret said, still stroking the bottom of Rocco’s hair with his thumb. Though he knew Rocco probably wouldn’t judge him at all, he still didn’t feel like he could really say anything about how he felt. Not just yet.

Garret kissed Rocco back gently, as if they were both fragile, now, too scared they might break.

"You can try, hon’, I don’t think I can." He said quietly.

"I..." Rocco faltered, unable to complete his thoughts. The fear of rejection was far too great. He licked his lips. "Kiss me?"

The Fire's Out Anyway | Throwback | Rocco and Garret

Garret smiled lightly, though Rocco could probably not see his face, as he kissed his collarbone.

"God only knows how." Garret said with a laugh, before wrapping his arms around Rocco even tighter, pulling him closer. "Thank you. At least that makes one person, right?"

As Rocco kissed him, Garret held one arm loosely on the back of Rocco's neck, stroking the bottom of his hair lightly with his thumb. As Rocco spoke again, Garret frowned, and a few seconds of silence passed before he nodded slowly.

"There's a reason I... Am the way I am. It's not an excuse, but... Yes."

Rocco held him close. "You can tell me anything," he breathed. "You know that, don't you? I'm always here. I'm always here."

He kissed Garret again, before leaning down to rest against his chest.

"It's almost four o'clock in the morning, Garret," he whispered. "We should at least try to rest."

The Fire's Out Anyway | Throwback | Rocco and Garret

Garret sighed, the kind of sigh that insinuated a verbal shrug. How long had he spent unable to sleep? Probably too long, far too long to figure any of it out. His brain was working in slow motion.

"I... I don't know. I've spent so long registering it as a fact that I'd forgotten to actually figure out why it was a fact." He said calmly. "Same old, same old, I guess. There's nothing new in my life. I'm the same old worthless Garret Finn you knew and probably loathed in College." He added with a laugh, though it kind of hurt.

Rocco kissed his collarbone again, leaning his head against his shoulder.

"I never loathed you," he said quietly. "Never even came close. And you're not worthless. Not to me."

He pressed his lips against Garret's, kissing him gently for a minute, before something else occurred to him.

"You... were having trouble then, too?"

The Fire's Out Anyway | Throwback | Rocco and Garret

"You worry too much," And Garret worried too little. They completed each other, in a sick sense of the phrase. Where one zigged, the other zagged. They were practical opposites, with the only thing in common being their devotion to the other.

"Yes, your students are learning. I know you’ll be a good teacher. And yes, you can face talking to people tomorrow, and if you can’t? To hell with them, you don’t need to talk to them. You’ll make ends meet by carrying on teaching, and if you need it, I’ve got more money than I need. I could use not spending the excess on alcohol. And you’ll get through every day as they come, and I’ll be here to help you. And of course you’ll be a father some day.”

"Don’t worry so much." Garret said softly.

"I'm trying," Rocco whispered back, wishing life could really be that simple. He closed his eyes, letting one hand reach up to wind into Garret's hair. He pressed a kiss against Garret's shoulderblade.

"Why can't you sleep, then?" he asked, hoping it was safe to ask.

The Fire's Out Anyway | Throwback | Rocco and Garret

Garret moved so that he was directly beside Rocco, and moved him gently, so his head now lay on Garret’s chest. From there, he wrapped his arms around Rocco and kissed the top of his head.

"What are you worrying about?" He asked quietly. He preferred them like this, talking, listening, understanding. It felt more real than he’d ever known before. Normally he never talked to people, never bothered to know what was going on in their heads, because it wasn’t going on in his. But with Rocco it was…different.

Rocco curled closer to Garret, closing his eyes and breathing deeply, taking in his scent. Cigarettes and liquor. Normally he would've found it revolting, but with Garret, it was nice and familiar.

"Everything," he said softly. "Little stuff most of the time - whether or not my students are learning anything, whether or not I'll be able to face talking to people tomorrow. But sometimes, it's big stuff. How I'm gonna make ends meet. How I'm going to get through the next day. If I'll ever be a father. And it just... consumes me."

The Fire's Out Anyway | Throwback | Rocco and Garret

"Me neither," Garret whispered in Rocco’s ear, before returning to kissing the back of his neck. Though he masked his own intentions with sexual behaviour, all Garret actually wanted to do was talk to Rocco. Talk until the sun came up, until he’d added another tally to his sleepless nights.

"Why can’t you sleep anymore?" He asked quietly.

Rocco curled slightly, allowing Garret to hold him if he so wished. Had he been a bit braver, perhaps Rocco would've asked him to. But he didn't dare. He felt lucky for even getting this much affection from him.

"I worry about everything," he whispered back. "I keep busy during the day so I don't have to think about it, but at night - when it's quiet and dark and I can't do anything to distract me... they all come back. All my worries. I can't make them go away. Nothing helps."

The Fire's Out Anyway | Throwback | Rocco and Garret

"You shouldn’t worry so much. I’m alright." Garret reminded Rocco, though he wasn’t. At all. He moved closer to Rocco, but he knew there was no chance of him being able to fall asleep. Instead he just lay there, breathing steadily, regulating his breathing with his own heartbeat.

"You’re not asleep, are you?" Garret asked, kissing the back of Rocco’s neck lightly.

Rocco tried to sleep, but he knew it was no good. When he felt Garret's lips against his neck, he shivered lightly.

"No," he admitted.

The Fire's Out Anyway | Throwback | Rocco and Garret

Garret shook his head. This was always how they were, Rocco took help where he knew he needed it, and Garret ignored it just long enough to pretend it was never there. Denial was Garret’s middle name.

"It’ll pass, don’t worry about it." Garret said, kissing Rocco’s forehead. Although he didn’t believe his own words, they sounded mildly convincing.

"I worry about you so much at times," Rocco said with a small sigh, but he decided to let the matter drop. He rolled over, gently coaxing Garret to move closer to him. "Try to sleep, okay?"

The clock's digits glowed bright red in the dark, giving Rocco something to stare at as he tried to fall back asleep, feeling Garret's breathing against his neck.

The Fire's Out Anyway | Throwback | Rocco and Garret

And there was that look. That look Garret hated so much. He had learned to loathe the idea of pity, the idea of allowing someone to know that you had cracks in your facade, of letting someone in. It wasn’t a look of anger, or disappointment, or indifference. He took them all with a shrug. No, it was pity that he feared.

"It’s…" He closed his eyes tightly before responding, as if the strain of keeping them open for so long was finally fighting back. "It’s been a while. It doesn’t matter." He kissed Rocco quickly after speaking, as if to distract him.

Rocco kissed Garret back, one hand cupping his jaw, but he wasn't distracted. When they pulled away, he gently brushed some of Garret's brown hair out of his eyes.

"Matters to me," he said simply. "Do you want a sleeping aid? I have bottle in the nightstand." He knew that this wasn't something that could be solved with a quick pill, but he thought he'd offer anyway.

The Fire's Out Anyway | Throwback | Rocco and Garret

Garret smiled when Rocco’s lips touched his. He’d missed this. Although this wasn’t how they would usually wake up, not in College. No, in College Garret would always be the first person out. He never stayed longer than he needed to - sentiment was wasted on a guy like Garret.

"I…I haven’t actually slept in a while. Probably just all the alcohol working it’s way through my system." He added with a laugh. He knew it was probably a lot more serious than he played it off to be, but it didn’t bother him, so why did it matter?

Rocco let out a quiet sigh. Once Garret said it, Rocco could see the dark circles under Garret's eyes, the age lines already etching their way into his skin. He wondered how he hadn't noticed it before.

"How long has it been?" he asked quietly. "Since you last slept, I mean?" He pecked Garret's lips again.

The Fire's Out Anyway | Throwback | Rocco and Garret

After weeks and weeks of sleepless nights, Garret had long since given up on the idea of a night’s sleep. He stared at the ceiling, sometimes he read - though he didn’t dare to look around in Rocco’s house for material, knowing it was probably all in Italian regardless. But of all the boredom he expected to pass, he hadn’t expected Rocco to experience it with him.

He’d been lying, entirely awake, staring at the ceiling for a while now. Thinking about what was happening in his life only made him more depressed, but it wasn’t like he had a real choice in the matter. What else was there to do at 2am in the morning?

"Rocco? The hell are you doing awake so early?"

Rocco sighed and gently pecked Garret's lips. The truth was, waking up and not being able to fall back asleep was a fairly common occurrence in Rocco's life. He wasn't sure if it was insomnia or nightmares or what--he'd just accepted it.

"Not sure. I rarely sleep the whole night through anymore," he admitted softly, lips gently brushing against Garret's. "What about you?"

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