Quotes From My Sleeping Husband

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Awake Quote: Narcos Edition

Rocco, watching: Why doesn't he spend more time with his kids? [Thinks about it] Rocco: Oh right, he's a mass murderer, what am I saying?

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I Hear the Secrets That You Keep (When You're Talking in Your Sleep)

Me: You gotta move to your side.

Rocco: I just had a dream that you had to pick a side. And whatever side you pick, the other, get a tattoo.

Me: Get a tattoo? Whoa. What would you get?

Rocco: I dunno. Poop. Poop on the head... No, no poopy head.

Me: Well I don't want a tattoo.

Rocco, protesting: Uh HUH. Uh HUH.

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Morning Cuteness

He rolls over to my side of the bed.

Rocco: You found me.

Me: I found you? Where did I find you?

Rocco: On the block.

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They used to call me "pickle." They could have called me "sandwich." At least they would have gotten something out of it.

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Rocco Farts in His Sleep

Me: It smells!

Rocco: What is that, pumpkin?

Me: What??

Rocco: The sandwiches.

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Rocco: [sic] read about it?

Me: What?

Rocco: The end of the pole.

Me: What end of the pole. Love?

Rocco: [snoring]

Me: What end of the pole?

Rocco, annoyed: Yooouuu knooow.

Me: No. Tell me. What end of the pole?

Rocco: In your butt. I don't know how it got there.

[Light giggling]

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Right, baby?

Rocco, apropos of nothing, in the middle of the night

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I had a dream that we pooped like dogs. The sidewalks were a bitch!

Said in a half-conscious state by you-know-who

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Okay good. Carry on. Thanks for doing that, too.

Rocco in his sleep, after I covered him with a blanket. Said in a very matter of fact, almost professional way.

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Rocco: How many days? How many hours? Me: Huh? You're not making sense. Rocco: What? No, the session. Me: What about it? Rocco: T-shirts.

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Labradoodle. They were polishing wood with it. He liked it. It was a 2x12.

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We're flying into the coco puff!

This is my favorite so far, besides the random "Cheeses!" outburst.

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Wow Wow Wow

Rocco: What ya got there?

Me: You tell me.

Rocco: Look at the email. It says Wow Wow Wow!

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Me: When do you want me to wake you up?

Rocco: The whole time.

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[scoffs] Now it's gonna be gorillas everywhere.

- This was said in the same tone Rocco reserves for hipsters. (NyQuil was involved. NyQuil is like comedy gold when it comes to Rocco's sleep talk.)

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The Fixation With Yellow

Me: You know how much I love you?

Rocco: [Nods]

Me: Are you sure? It's a lot.

Rocco: [Nods.] It's in the yellow jars.

Me: You know I love you in the yellow jars?

Rocco: Mm hmm.

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Yellow M&Ms

[Adorable chuckling and giggling]

Me: What's so funny?

Rocco: You thought the yellow M&Ms were made out of pee!

Me: I thought the yellow M&Ms were made from pee? That's funny.

Rocco: No - my friend. So after he said that, I was like, if you think the yellow ones are made from pee...what do you think the brown ones are made of?

[even louder chuckling]