I start this new year with the same old messed up rhythms, Wide awake at 3am, woken up at 3pm yesterday after a well deserved night out with Friends. I suppose that's what you get when you're not used to a normal thirty-something y.o. lifestyle. All work no play..as Kubrick used to Say.
I didn't make any new year's resolution, but I would have so many things to write on It..my mind travels so fast, when I start with my auto-diagnosed ADHD kinda way of living. First I begin with one of many activities that I keep in my "mental TO DO list"..and I find myself with 10 unfinished tasks 2 hours later..so frustrating but satisfying at the same time. The thought that I get so many ideas in such a Little time, makes me feel so full, even though everything may seem like a mess from an outsider point of view. That's why I'm Always 10-15 minutes late at every appointment, looking like someone who's incapable of managing her own calendar. The thing is that I tend to overbook myself, as if I wanted to prove that I can do more than the average 30something self-employed woman, an unrecognised superhero. Who's always late.
Anyway, tonight I wanna Say that despite my difficult past..I'm very proud of myself. I never say It enough, but I will get better at that.
I'm proud of the way I fought for what I believed. Now that I think about it, it's funny that the only thing I didn't have to fight for..was my relationship. I mean, It wasn't always easy, and kudos to me for believing It was going to work despite of all the possibile circumstances..but usually love is one of the things people fight for the most, and in my chart you could find it way After "peaceful family situation" and "work/work collegues relationship" or "a balance between being an ostage of my friends mood changes and becoming a completely lone wolf for real".
After Reading this last passage again I realize how It must feel being a listener of my monologues, where I wouldn't take a break or even a breath for dear Life. I guess that's going on my new year's resolution in 363 days. #nostress
Anyhow, in terms of friends, I really did cut many of them out of my Life for good. I considered them friends but honestly I don't even miss them much. Sometimes It happens that, for any reason unknown, I start rewinding to a memory of us together somewhere, but in the end if I decided to separate, it was probably due to a lack of interest on their behalf while I invested too much on out relationship. I realize that, in the last few years, the way I handle my relationships has changes a lot: very seldom the detachment dipended on an argument, it was more of a fading, or as they say nowadays "ghosting", for no apparent important reason, if not my lack of worship. So I suppose that's for the best, I am no longer willing to mold my behaviours in order to be liked. I seriously prefer to spend time by myself (second best only to my dogs) than to bare some debatable personalities.
Maybe that's why I don't seem ti adjust to a regular timetable and waking up with the sun rising..
I find the dark and silence so soothing. I don't need the company of voices and other people lives..It really Brothers me to be forced to share my atmosphere, ti find myself inside some rhythm I didn't choose. And that's probably me being the control freak that I am, but at least now I realize that, and it's a very big improvement if I look back on 5-6 years ago.
1 hour is gone writing, but at least I didn't waste it on stupid social media.
Hopefully someone will read this and Will see themselves between the se lines..