If you ever shop anywhere ever, there are some things that are not acceptable.
1. If you decide you don't want a perishable item, please don't leave it sitting on a shelf in the back of the store. That costs us money, and in turn makes prices go up.
2. Don't pile all your crap up at the register and then run off to the back of the store because you forgot an item. Seriously. It's in my way and makes it hard for me to wait on customers that shouldn't have to stand there and wait on you. Take your crap with you. Especially if it's in a cart or basket.
3. Whistling at me and waving from the other end of an aisle is not an acceptable way to get my attention because you need help. I am not a waitress. (Come to think of it, though, that's not even an acceptable way to get your wait staff's attention, either. Try being polite and not a self-centered twatwaffle.)
4. The lead register has a belt. That means you don't have to try to cram everything right up beside the register, in a pile that if I so much as look at it too hard, is going to collapse. This also means you don't have to fidget with your stuff and keep creeping it closer and closer to the register... I will move it with the belt. Give me a second, okay? I need time to press the button. Stop being so damned impatient.
5. Stop getting mad when I ask for your birthday when you buy tobacco products. We HAVE to put in a birthday or the register WILL NOT LET us sell them. And no, I can't just put mine in. Corporate has a keystroke logger on all of our registers, they know what buttons we press, and if we repeatedly put in the same birthday - i.e. our own - they will know and we will get in trouble. Yes, I realize that you have gray hair and look like you've been rode hard and put up wet, I still need your birthday. It's got nothing to do with you being too young and everything to do with me wanting to keep my job.
6. If something doesn't scan, for the love of whatever deity/tree/being/whatever it is you worship, do NOT say "Oh well it must be free then! HA HA HA!" I assure you, it is neither free, nor is that funny. It stopped being funny after about the 8374th time I heard it. I've been doing this type of job for 14 years. You are not the first person to think of that joke, by any means. And every time you do it, your cashier has vivid daydreams about beating you violently about the head with whatever item it was that didn't scan. So KNOCK. IT. OFF.
Now that those are out of the way, some minor facepalm-worthy things.
Customer: Do you work here?
Me: Yes... *thinking: No, I'm just dressed in all black, wearing a nametag, and stocking shelves for fun.*
Someone stole one stick of butter the other day... and left the other three on a shelf in the back of the store. I mean... what? Why just one stick? Why not just go ahead and steal the whole box? The hell?
The most frequently stolen item in my store is probably - are you ready for this? Cause I don't think you are - Fixodent. Yeah. Figure that one out.
For the love of - seriously folks, store brand medications are exactly the same thing as the name brand counterparts, but at a fraction of the price. Why on earth would you pay $5.50 for a 5-pack of Claritin when you can get a bottle of 60 store-brand Loratadine tablets for $7.50? Why pay $9 for 100 Aleve when 100 store-brand naproxen sodium tablets are $5.50? It never ceases to amaze me the number of people who flatly refuse store brand medications.
And while we're on the medicine subject, the active ingredient in things like Tylenol PM, Advil PM, Unisom, store-brand sleep aid, and ZzzQuil that makes you sleepy? That would be diphenhydramine. Diphenhydramine is also known as Benadryl. So again, why pay ridiculous prices for all this stuff when you can get 365 generic diphenhydramine tablets for $6.50? The only difference between generic Benadryl tablets and sleep aid tablets? The sleep aid is blue, Benadryl's pink. That's it. Food coloring. That's the ONLY DIFFERENCE. Same drug, same dosage.
Okay, I'm gonna shut up now.
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