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Incubus - The Warmth

i feel somewhat better this morning but i know this feeling won't last and that's ok.

while i am feeling better, i want to acknowledge you if you're reading this:

- there is sooooo much you need to learn from me and i from you, but right now you need to really pay your full attention to me because it hurts me seeing you like this and i know because i have been there and i don't want to you be misaligned anymore

- one of your recent stories was so dumb and you lost aura points from me because of it, but i can't tell you because you're still not ready to meet me at that level

- realistically, maybe in another 5 years we'll be on a level that match the energies of the universe in the most authentic way possible but you could also start now but you are so deviated from your path that it literally hurts me but i will be fine eventually but what about you?

- i can't meddle so deeply in your life and disrupt the ways of the universe. i might have already done too much and i need to step back

- you should just come over and make out with me and hold me and love me and i will open up and our worlds will never be the same again (in a grandddd way)

- i love you but i am not in love with you and unless you love me in a way where you can be in love with me, i can't be the one for you and vice versa

- these realizations must happen from within you, and time is running out so fast

- one day i am here, next day i am not.

- better early than later which will turn out to be never and i am not waiting another 97 million years for this

- i will move on. i have moved on. it's your turn to move in, or forever never know what had been moved from over and under you

- please

#bdd #dad bod #biodegradable

how to stop feeling like a horrible person

i don't want to be on my phone in the middle of killing myself

how i feel:

i am pretty sure i am dead but nobody knows it yet

and i'm only still here because of my cats

and to leave them behind will actuate my death

everything in my life is literally falling apart and i keep thinking of the hundreds of things i need to do before i can die but right now i feel like not giving a fuck about anything and just hanging myself

i am so traumatized by what i did yesterday and i need to erase that incident from my life forever asap as possible or it will make me kms out of self-hatred

i've lost so many hours of music but it doesn't hurt as much as my collaborators taking credit for my uniqueness and presenting them as their own niche and possibly to fuel their womanizing behavior but it's alright since i have stopped caring so long ago and i have my children and spideys and goats and dogs and birds and plants and water in our bodies and air in our lungs and in unison we all scream internally a hymn it sounds like and the wavs travel beyond galaxies to find other versions of me and we correspond in dreams

lubosophy

i. The tendency to leave things be is an art. Its selfless and selfish discourse allows for one to tear into different dialectic of the self, often confusing the lines of intrusion in the spheres of what’s left alone.

ii. I’m learning that words do not suffice in expressing intention. Who will understand my demons is not for me nor my words to decide.

dreaminginthedeepsouth

Artwork: Denis Sarazhin

* * * *

“I thought of the people before me who had looked down at the river and gone to sleep beneath it. I wondered about them. I wondered how they had done it–it, the physical act. I simply wondered about the dead because their days had ended and I did not know how I would get through mine.” — James Baldwin, Giovanni’s Room

[Belles-lettres]

roguevultures

i gifted this book to someone about 3 years ago who later traumatized me and we don’t talk anymore but sometimes i miss the friendship that was misinterpreted as love and this is not the first time this happened with me but i am now more wary of my love in platonic relationships

ymutate

Makoto Fujii (Japanese Artist, born 1984)

"Listen to Rain Sounds", 2016.

Oil on Canvas, 40.9 × 31.8 cm.

Private Collection.

it's 5:08am and my dark thoughts are slowly wearing out but i don't want to recharge them so what should i die?

it's gonna be 333am in about 6 mins and i was woken up by my cat breaking a glass bottle and i carefully picked up all the pieces and cut myself a little bit and there was a diluted pool of blood and when i was done cleaning i wanted to go back to sleep which is sometimes easy when depression is peaking but anyway a few more minutes till i post this and for what?

the person i need to build a life with is out there, maybe fully unaware, that all the stars aligned and realigned over billions of years so that we choose each other.

what's stopping us from choosing the life we are meant to live, and fulfill the big purpose for the world to heal with us.

it doesn't take one person to change the world.

it takes two 🎭

happy 333! sad for me but it's ok

#lover #unaware #surface to air #333 #blood

zmpl

the notion of saving lives at all costs prevents suicidal people from speaking about their experiences in a candid way, knowing they will be decentered (e.g. “your family/friends will be devastated if you die”), subject to moral arguments (e.g. “suicide is a selfish act”), referred to someone else, often someone who has a hefty paywall behind their listening ear (e.g. “are you seeing a therapist about this?”), or incarcerated against their will. because of this, voices of suicidal people are left out from conversations about suicide, even paradoxically in campaigns encouraging suicidal people to reach out for support.

in order to break the stigma around suicidality, we have to break away from the prevention-no-matter-what script and honor suicidal people’s autonomy, allowing them to speak freely about their lived experience even in the face of personal discomfort for nonsuicidal people. in our current society, nonsuicidal people wield power/privilege over suicidal people. if your immediate reaction to hearing about a marginalized person’s pain is to shut them down in some way, you need to evaluate why you are centering your own comfort above another person who is confiding in you.

chaos-ocd

This is a tertiary related point but relatedly I reject the idea that we should over emphasize people being “just wired that way” and the people around them are “simply not at fault”.

I mean no offense to people feeling this way or mourning a loved one that take comfort in these notions and am not seeking to take away what I see as a cope— but to interrogate these exact other people who want someone hurting this badly to consider those around them who have not the collectivist will or skill to bring them back from the dark.

This is my unpopular opinion— anytime someone tells me their loved one did this to themselves with even the slightest air of “we tried everything” and “it couldn’t be helped” I’m completely unsurprised that they did it considering the dismissiveness of the environment they apparently lived in.

Humans are deeply social creatures. Isolation is a big part of this. It may not be the victims immediate family who is to blame, but it very well could be, and at least some social structures are the cause of someone going against all natural instincts because the environment causes that much pain.

I will never not see these types as very likely the cause of suicides— those very people who can’t wait to dismiss someone else’s pain to center their own. Those types who can’t possibly believe they had any hand in the suffering of their friends, neighbors or family members.

Miss me with that. You knew. You could have changed too

#unbeknownst #misaligned #blinded

cakeyouareoh

you ever think about how walter bishop gave up being able to see the one person he loved most ever again in order to save the world? the one person he started the show having destroyed multiple lives and part of a whole other universe over?

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