two feet, a principle.

you’re human, you won’t break ;

Gabby shifts uncomfortably when Roisin kind of just - looks at her, and she’s sure she’s said the wrong thing, but then Roisin is looking back in the mirror and back at Gabrielle, smiling slightly; Gabby can’t help but smile back, her brain automatically flashing back to the memories from her dream a few weeks back. She’s not entirely sure why she keeps going back to that dream, of all dreams - Gabrielle has never been one to remember her dreams, let alone pay much mind to them, but this one sticks - and it’s always when she is around Roisin Jackson.

You’re overthinking it. Don’t overthink it.

“In any case, I’m here to help,” she says. She then becomes acutely aware of the fact that she really needs to pee, and clears her throat. “I’m - er - I’m just going to go -” Gabrielle gestures to one of the cubicles. “Are you good?”

Roisin follows Gabrielle’s gesture with her eyes. Shit. “Ah, yeah, of course, just -- I’ll just be a sec.”

Ro turns back to look at herself in the mirror and reaches out for some paper towels from the dispenser. Carefully, she wipes the smudges of mascara from around her eyes and blots up any stray drops of water from her cheeks. Her hair is a little messed up, and quickly, Ro drags her fingers through it, making herself look a little more respectable. Not perfect, but it’ll do.

She offers Gabrielle the smallest of smiles as she leaves. It doesn’t seem right to say thank you but it would be wrong to say nothing at all. Pulling the door open, Ro finally speaks. “I appreciate you being her, Gabrielle. I’ll see you later.”

breathtakingqueens

you’re human, you won’t break ;

Gabby isn’t sure how, but…she understands. Roisin’s explanation wasn’t quite the most enlightening, but she gets it. Loud noises, bright lights…Gabby can’t put her finger on where or from whom she had heard this explanation from, but she finds herself nodding in comprehension.

She’s not entirely sure if she’s being too forward, but she says the words anyway - Roisin has been a huge help in getting Gabrielle settled into the life of an associate, and Gabby wants to be of some kind of help to the other woman in any way possible.

“Okay. I won’t speak of this to anyone. But -” Gabrielle shrugs. “If you need someone to ground you, or someone to get you out of a situation that’s triggering you, please don’t hesitate to ask me.”

Roisin frowns, studying Gabrielle’s face. There’s something unsettling about how familiar it feels, just briefly a look flashes across it, one that Ro can’t help but recognise. Almost like deja vu, but more than that, the way Gabrielle looks like she knows and understands.

Like they’ve done this before. But, that’s ... it’s impossible, and implausible. And down right ridiculous.

Turning once more, Ro now takes a look at her own face. Her cheeks are flushed and her eyes are damp and her hairline is a mess and there’s mascara smudged out to her temples. “I’m a mess,” she mutters bluntly. Acknowledging Gabrielle in the mirror again, a faint smile creeps across her lips. “Sorry, I’m-- Thank you, I appreciate the sentiment, but this doesn’t happen very often, and hopefully I won’t be like this at work again any time soon.”

you’re human, you won’t break ;

“I’m -” Gabby moves her hand from where it has left contact with Roisin’s back and flexes it nervously. “Yeah, I won’t tell anyone. Of course. Did anything…” Gabby shakes her head, smoothing her shirt down. The initial shock of seeing regularly composed Roisin Jackson like this is fading fast, shrouded by a general feeling of concern. Gabrielle was under the impression that Beth and Roisin were best friends - did she misread that? “I mean, did something happen?”

Roisin shrugs, continuing to take deep breaths. How does she explain that nothing and everything happened? It’s all seemingly so insignificant to someone on the outside, just noises and stress, things normal people cope with every day, without the threat of a panic attack.

“Nothing in particular,” Ro starts, feeling calm enough to talk, “It was just, the phone was ringing and th-then the door slammed and ... Christ.”

She runs her hands through her hair and grips her fingers at the nape of her neck, letting out a long sigh. “I have panic attacks sometimes, I guess. No one knows, and I don’t like to talk about it, so I’d really appreciate if you just pretend you didn’t see this.”

you’re human, you won’t break ;

Gabrielle hovers for a moment, wildly trying to figure out what to do - she’s usually good with taking care of any of her friends who are in distress like this, but she finds herself completely blanking out - the woman who has been mentoring her better than Specter has, the seemingly unbreakable woman, is falling apart in front of Gabrielle.

And she does not know what to do.

“What - should I grab Beth?” Gabrielle walks over, gently places a hand on Roisin’s back. “I can go get Beth.”

The hand on her back, it’s gentle but it’s too much, and Roisin flinches. Contact is supposed to be soothing - a comfort - but she doesn’t know Gabrielle, and it feels far too intimate. Taking a step forward, Ro breaks the contact, pressing her stomach into the sink.

Roisin turns on the tap quickly and splashes a bit of water on her face before hunching back over the sink, letting the cold droplets trickle from her cheeks and chin down into the plughole. After a few minutes of laboured, heavy breathing, Ro finally turns to face Gabrielle.

“No, it’s ... I’ll be fine. Beth doesn’t need to know.” She pauses for a moment. “You can’t tell anyone, that you saw me like this. Please,” Ro adds, her voice quiet and desperate. Please.

you’re human, you won’t break ;

Gabby is sitting in her cubicle working on the tail end of a report for John when she gets a text from Spencer.

Spencer Home tonight?

Gabby Likely not.

Spencer You know I’ve only seen you twice in the past two weeks?

Gabby I’m sorry John needs all the help he can get right now for a big merger and this isn’t something where I can just leave as I please

Spencer You sure? Cos I don’t see you nearly as eager to see me as you are to meet your paralegal friend after hours

Gabby No need to be passive aggressive, S. She helps me with my workload and is part of the reason I even got to see you those two times.

Spencer Whatever. I’m going to crash at ur place anyway, roommate’s being an arse

Gabby Um Okay? Could you not leave dishes everywhere this time though, Spen? I’d rather not have to clean up after you after a long day at work.

Five minutes later, and Spencer still hasn’t responded. Gabby groans, leaning back against her chair. She needs to end things with him, but she doesn’t know how - they’ve been together so long that she’s not entirely sure if she could handle such an immense change in her life amidst the craze of her new job.

Gabby looks at the clock on her screen - she’s been sitting here for four hours without moving. She opts to take a bathroom break, stretch, maybe splash some cold water on her face, and not think about her ever-so-persistent issues with Spencer.

When she gets there, she sees Roisin, and is about to greet her when she realizes that everything does not seem to be as it should. The other woman is hunched over the sink, breathing hard, skin flushed.

“I - Roisin?” Gabrielle approaches her slowly, standing by her side, careful not to startle her. Is this a panic attack? She’s not entirely sure - she’s read about them, heard about them, but she has never experienced them herself.

“Are you okay?”

The door is pushed open. Fuck. Roisin glances sideways, hoping it’s not -- Gabby. Double fuck. This is possibly her worst nightmare; not only is she having a rare panic attack at work, of all places, someone’s now witnessed the damn thing. And on top of that, it’s one of the associates. There goes her hard-earned reputation as a ruthless, infallible paralegal.

Breath ragged, Roisin is unable to speak. Instead, she looks up at Gabrielle’s reflection in the mirror and slowly shakes her head: No, I’m not. She hopes the words are conveyed.

With every bit of determination she can muster, Ro inhales deeply, giving herself a moment of composure. “It’ll pass shortly,” she whispers hoarsely.

you’re human, you won’t break ;

It’s like someone’s dropped a flash-bang in the bathroom: the lights are too bright, there’s a constant, high-pitched tone piercing through her ears, and she can almost see her heart beating right out of her chest. Thumping rapidly, her heart-rate is increasing at an exponential speed, and her breathing is impossibly ragged. Roisin tries to take in long, deep breaths, but nothing enables her to alleviate the stuttering of her lungs.

Hands on either side of the sink, Ro stares down the plughole, willing her body to stop defying her. She should have known this was going to happen; all the signs were there. The horrible night of sleep, the missed alarm, the ruckus caused by a fight on the subway platform, the huge pile of work on her desk, the incessant ringing of her telephone, a relentless stream of negative stimulation.

All it took was raised voices and a slammed door coming from the conference room to tip her over the edge. Something ordinarily so benign suddenly a catalyst for a severe panic attack. As quickly as she could, Roisin rushed to the bathrooms, hoping no one paid her enough attention to notice her state.

Hands shaking, Ro splashes cold water on her face, praying that it’ll help keep her more alert and prevent her from passing out. She couldn’t bear the shame of that happening at work.

heavy heart;

#heavy heart #gab #arc 001 #/ end

Gabrielle chooses this moment to look at the woman standing in front of her, her eyes moving down the profile of her face, wondering what’s behind the character that is Roisin Jackson - there has to be more to her than the closed-off, incredibly intelligent paralegal that she is.

Remembering that she is currently very much staring at another person & that normal people aren’t supposed to stare at other people like she is with Roisin Jackson, she quickly turns and nods. “Thank you,” she says quietly, genuinely, regretting the obnoxious flirting from their first experience quickly and suddenly. “Shall we go back inside? My head feels a lot clearer.”

Roisin can feel Gabrielle’s eyes on her, for a few moments longer than she’s perhaps comfortable with. But she doesn’t move, save for the slow rise and fall of her chest as she breathes, refusing to betray her stiff, stoic exterior.

“Sure,” Ro says, her voice soft. Quickly, she heads for the door, and they make their way back down to the library. The lift journey down is wordless, and as Roisin returns to their table, she finds herself reinvigorated and with an improved sense of determination. They will win this case.

heavy heart;

Gabrielle is about to apologize again, but she catches herself in time, instead opting to nod, pretending to not be in complete awe of Roisin. Advice from her seems…different, somehow. John gives Gabby advice, but it’s slightly jaded, patronizing - how she would talk to a thirteen year old who knows nothing.

The question throws her off a little - Roisin had chosen to not delve into her personal life, and Gabby wonders if she should do the same, if telling Roisin about her life would show weakness.

She decides to tell her the half-story.

“Um. I don’t know. This case hits home pretty hard for me.” Without looking at Roisin, Gabby purses her lips, tapping her fingers rhythmically along the railing. “I just want to do what I was unable to do when I was younger. Even if it isn’t technically for myself, I feel like winning this case could - I don’t know - help me out with getting some kind of closure, in a way.”

Roisin inhales sharply, removing her hands from her pockets and calmly folding her arms across her chest. Oh. Well, shit. She wonders if she perhaps wouldn’t have asked the question. But, it’s too late, and Gabrielle is already providing an answer.

The details of the case run through Ro’s mind quickly. A car accident. Husband, died. Substandard repairs. A suit of substantial value. She nods, her chin dipping towards her chest a couple of times.

“I ... I understand,” she replies, eventually. But she doesn’t, not really. That’s just what people say, when they know they can’t empathise or sympathise, when words are just empty platitudes. Instead, Ro knows what she can do. Win.

She doesn’t turn to look at Gabby, just keeping her eyes fixed on the lights of the skyline. “We’ll win, get that closure. I can make sure that happens.”

heavy heart;

She’s hit a nerve. Fuck. Great work.

“Sure,” she says. “I’m sorry. I didn’t - sorry.”

Gabby places her hands on the railing, inhaling the fresh air (and the smell of Roisin’s cigarette) in as a way to steady herself. She sneaks another glance at Roisin in (God, she’s so pretty, what the fuck) before speaking again.

“It’s important to me that I win this case,” she says, “Not just because it’s my first case, or whatever. So I’m really grateful that I’ve got you on my side. That’s all I’m trying to say.”

“Never apologise,” Roisin starts, stiffly, “Not at work. It shows weakness; just acknowledge and move on.” Ro takes one last, lengthy drag of her cigarette before stubbing it out on the ledge before them. Exhaling, she watches the filter crumple beneath her fingers. It’s blunt advice, Ro knows that, and she’s rarely in the habit of offering anything to the associates, but ... maybe there’s something in the air.

Stuffing her hands into her pockets, Roisin sighs. Gabrielle still has that “save the world” enthusiasm. She remembers when that’s what motivated her; now it’s just about striving for perfection, never making mistakes, being the best, covering up anything that might reveal her anxiety.

“What’s motivating you then?” she asks eventually, “It must be something, if it’s not just the desire to impress on your first case.”

heavy heart;

Roisin pulls out a cigarette and holds it gently between her lips, and Gabrielle really can’t help it when she stares at her. She has a flash of the dream she had the other week, red lips with a lit cigarette between them, and she swears Roisin Jackson has those same lips.

When Roisin gives Gabrielle a sidelong glance, Gabby quickly looks away, her ears going red, hoping Roisin didn’t catch her staring.

“You seem more knowledgable and qualified than at least three quarters of the people I graduated with in law school,” she remarks. It’s a fact - not flirtation. “More knowledgeable and qualified than most of the associates working here, really.” She turns to Roisin. “Can I ask you why you’re still a paralegal?”

Roisin taps the ash off onto the ledge before taking another long draw. The slight smile on her face fades as Gabrielle asks her about her lack of qualifications. It’s almost as if Gabby knew exactly what button to press, exactly where her one weak spot is.

No one knows about her anxiety, that her crippling condition has caused her to fail the LSAT. It’s the one obstacle preventing her from becoming a real lawyer, not just a brilliant paralegal.

“I, uh, I don’t make it a habit of talking about my personal life. So if you’ll forgive me, I’m not giving an answer to that,” Ro says finally, folding her arm across her chest. Especially not with associates I barely know.

heavy heart;

Gabby puts her blazer back on and follows Roisin through the hallways, and into the elevator - the office space is a little eerie at night, when everyone has left, apart from the straggling associates in the bullpen, desperate to get their jobs done.

She can feel the stress emanating from Roisin Jackson, and she finds herself feeling bad that they haven’t cracked the case yet.

When they get up to the exit for the roof, Gabby speaks. “You don’t have to stay after this,” she says gently, “I can try to figure it out myself. I really don’t want to steal away your whole night.”

They get out to the roof and Gabby goes to lean on the tall ledge of the building, looking over the city.

As they arrive up on the roof, the crisp evening air is a welcome hit of refreshment. Roisin can feel the slight bit of cold across her face, reinvigorating her mental faculties.

Ro slips into her inside pocket, pulling out a cigarette and her lighter. It’s a rare indulgence, having a smoke, and she doesn’t do it often, but ... This case is bothering her, she’s stumped, and that never happens. Never.

After sparking up, she exhales a long drag, blowing the smoke out over the ledge, out into the night. “I don’t give up,” Roisin starts, glancing sideways at Gabrielle, “We’ll figure this out. Don’t worry about that.”

heavy heart;

It’s nearing eight, and they’ve only just started to make any kind of progress on the case - Gabby was hoping for an early night tonight, but that is proving to be incredibly not feasible.

As Roisin leans back, Gabby works away on her laptop, trying to find some kind of loophole, anything - but she can’t find it.

She follows Roisin’s action and leans back in her own chair, running a hand through her hair. “Look,” she says, “We’ve been sitting here for two hours straight. I don’t know if I can feel my arse anymore.” She turns to Roisin. “I’m going to head outside for some fresh air. You can join me, if you’d like.”

Exhaling, Roisin runs her hands through her hair. A break? She never takes a break, not even to clear her head, but ... perhaps it would be a good idea. Gain a bit of perspective. “Sure. It is getting a bit warm in here.”

Ro rises from the desk, shuffling together her papers. She neatly sets her pen down beside them, lining it up exactly parallel. After taking a step back, Roisin pulls on her jacket and heads towards the door. “We can go up to the roof; wont take as long to get there.”

heavy heart;

Gabby finds herself being left staring at Roisin again, mouth a little open again. How does this woman know everything there is to know about anything, ever? And why is she just a paralegal?

“I’m, um - okay.” She reaches over, takes the file, and walks out of Roisin Jackson’s office, feeling a little better about this interaction than their first.

When she gets back to her cubicle, she receives a text from Spencer.

Spencer: You going to be home tnight babe? Can I come by if you are? Xx

Gabrielle: No. Just got assigned my first case, I’m probably going to be up at the office all night working on it.

Spencer: Seriously? I haven’t seen u in ages. Can’t you work on it at home?

That was Spencer for you. No, “congratulations on your first case!”, no “that’s really cool!”, not even an “awesome”. Gabby rolls her eyes.

Gabrielle: Can’t, got one of the paralegals to help me out with it at the office.

Spencer: K.

Gabrielle glares at her phone screen. She’s not going to respond to ‘k.’ she’s not going to justify it with a response. Knowing that it’s sent him the ‘read’ receipt, she places her phone back down beside her computer, starting to look into her new case - mostly just to get a head start on Roisin.

Five o’clock swings around, and Gabby remembers Beth’s short lecture about always being half an hour early. So, she packs up her things, heads to Cartem’s, and gets a rather painfully expensive takeout meal for both her and Roisin. So much for saving the signing bonus, she thinks.

She still hasn’t spoken with Spencer, but she’s not too bothered by it - he’s probably getting high out of his mind with his fellow stoner pals, forgetting all about her.

By five-thirty, she’s made it to the library, and sets everything up. John comes up to her.

“Fine dining tonight?” he says, gesturing to the Cartem’s takeout boxes on the table.

“Yeah, I - sort of offered dinner for Roisin Jackson to help me out.”

“Beth’s idea?” he remarks.

Gabrielle nods.

“I need you to have this case down pat by tomorrow morning,” he says, “Roisin Jackson is one of the -”

“Best researchers in the firm, I get it,” she says, a little exasperated. John raises an eyebrow.

“Am I detecting a hint of envy in your tone of voice?”

“What? No! I’m just - I have to get back to this,” Gabrielle says, opening the folders and pretending to read them.

“Tomorrow morning, Rowland,” John says, walking away.

“Tomorrow morning, Rowland,” Gabrielle mimicks.

“I heard that,” John says, without turning around.

Gabby sinks into her seat with a huff, and begins her wait for Roisin to come round. Envy. It’s not envy. It’s definitely not envy. Of course not.

Shit doesn’t hit the fan, thankfully, and at a few minutes past six, Roisin leaves her office and heads for the library. The last thing Ro wants is a late night holed up with the firm’s newest associate, working on some insignificant pro-bono case, but ... It’s my job. And I’ve got a reputation to uphold.

She smooths down her crisp, white shirt before pushing through the library doors, head high and full of purpose. “Alright, let’s get this over with.”

Ro slides into the chair opposite Gabrielle, eyeing up the boxes from Cartem’s. “You did your homework - good start. Now --” She pauses, taking the file from in front of Gabby, “Let’s see how good a lawyer you are.”

---

Nearly two hours pass before they start to make any real headway. Roisin’s found a possible route of argument, but trying to find the best precedent to support it is proving harder than anticipated.

Ro slumps back in her chair, sighing. “Everything we’ve come up with, I can think of at least another three cases they can throw back in your face. I need to start thinking outside of the box here.”

heavy heart;

Gabby sits on one of the chairs in front of Roisin’s desk. She tries to convince herself that she’s annoyed by Roisin’s slight cockiness, but she’s really not - Roisin seems like someone to be respected, and she seems like someone who has worked very, very hard for that respect. Gabrielle can’t undermine that.

She holds the folder out for Roisin to take. “It’s a pro bono case. John’s thrown it on me, because he doesn’t have the time for it, or something.”

Gabrielle wants to win this case, she wants to win it badly, and not just for John - she knows full well how it feels to be someone like Elizabeth Kolbert. This time, she can actually do something about it.

“They’re refusing to hand over their work logs and files. I have to figure out a way to not get Kolbert’s motion dismissed and a way to get Golding Motors to hand over their files. Can you help?”

Roisin flicks through the file, half of her attention still on Gabrielle as she goes through the particulars of the case. Should be straightforward enough.

“It’ll just be a case of finding a legal precedent, or two.” She closes the file and passes it back across the desk. “Definitely manageable. I’ve got some briefs to finish just now, but--” Ro glances down at the clock on her computer screen. “I’ve probably got some time tonight, after six. Assume some shite doesn’t hit the fan needing all hands on deck.”

There’s something earnest about Gabrielle. Maybe it’s the case, that it’s her first opportunity to really start to prove herself, or perhaps she’s still just fresh-faced and full of optimism, unsullied by the harsh realities of the world of corporate law.

“If you don’t hear otherwise, meet me in the library then. Oh, and like Beth suggested, it’d be prudent to bring some dinner. And before you ask me how I knew you spoke to her, let’s just call it paralegal’s intuition, okay?”

heavy heart;

Gabrielle is only just starting to get settled into Pearson Specter, a full week of work later - she’s had more all-nighter nights than restful nights, she’s had to call in her best friend David to take Simba in for a bit while she gets into the swing of things, and she’s eating like a college freshman again.

Currently, she’s sitting in John Specter’s office as he explains how Pearson Specter handles subpoenas, and she’s zoning out, when suddenly, he (rather aggressively) slides a file over to her.

“There. Your first case.”

Gabby snaps out of it. “I’m sorry?”

“Pro bono. Emily Kolbert’s husband, Mitchell Kolbert, died in a car accident a week ago. She’s suing the mechanical company that fixed the brakes in his car for screwing it up. They won’t hand over their work logs and folders.”

“I’m already getting my own case?”

John raises an eyebrow. “Is that to say you don’t want it?”

“No - I mean - of course I want it, but -”

“Then take it. Get one of the paralegals to help you. And don’t mention to Michaela Pearson that I threw this on you,” he adds, as Gabby takes the folder and starts to leave for her cubicle.

“Right.” John Specter is one of the best lawyers Gabrielle Rowland has ever seen, he’s smart, he’s incredibly resourceful - but he’s also an asshole.

She leaves John’s office and immediately goes to Beth.

“Do you -”

Beth raises her left index finger at Gabby while she writes something down with her right. Gabby waits. And she waits. For a full minute.

After the minute has passed, Beth closes the folder. “Do you think Roisin Jackson will help you with this case? Probably not. Do I think you should ask? Maybe. How should you ask?” Beth leans back in her seat. “Nicely. Maybe with an offer to take her to Cartem’s a few blocks from here.”

“How did you -” Gabby shakes her head. “Ask her for dinner?”

“No, offer her dinner. Pay for it. Bring it back here in takeout form if you have to.”

“Is…is Cartem’s -”

“Expensive? Very. But also worth Roisin Jackson’s help,” Beth says, returning to mark a few other folders.

“I’m a struggling associate eyeballs-deep in student debt, Beth,” Gabby groans.

“Not my problem,” Beth says, not looking up from her folder.

Gabby stands there for a moment, then turns on her heel towards Roisin Jackson’s office, mustering up the words and courage to speak with her again after their disastrous first encounter last week.

She knocks on the half-open glass door again.

“Hi, Roisin,” she says, a little nervously, “I just - er - John’s given me my first case, and I’m wondering if you could help me with it. I hear you’re the best researcher in the firm.”

Roisin twists her neck, stretching out the aches from too many hours sat at her desk, or hunched over statute books in the library. As her door swings open, Roisin sighs quietly. More distractions.

“You heard correctly,” Ro starts, her tone level, not looking up from her computer. She continues typing. “I am the best researcher in this firm. My services don’t come cheaply though, so this better be worth my while.”

Roisin looks up at Gabrielle with a small smirk. It’s unfair to wind up the associates so much, but it’s just so much fun. Watching them squirm, and sweat, like she’s some intimidating junior partner. Such a kick.

“Okay, discipule, let’s hear about this case. And I’ll see if it’s worth my time.”