Róisín reviews life

This is me posting things I think about, buy, make, break and do. I do not think that I know the answers or that I'm the first person in the world to do something a certain way; I just like to write thoughts out and never read them again for the most part. It's a good way to process things.

[roisingrasby]

Being an active bystander (or trying!)

I wanted to share something that happened recently at a gig. This post is not me saying I ticked all the boxes and did all the right things at the right time. Part of my own problem is doubting myself and my reaction to things. The reason I'm even typing it up is as a reminder to myself and anyone else that it's important to look out for each other at gigs and anywhere really. Before I get into what happened (and I don't believe it requires content warnings as it was not serious, thankfully) a useful tool is learning about the "D's" of an active bystander. There are various versions out there, one of which can be found here and I've summarised below: Distract: A a subtle and creative way to intervene. Its aim is simply to derail the incident of harassment by interrupting it.

Delegate: Asking a third party for help with intervening in harassment

Document: Either recording or taking notes on an instance of harassment. It can be really helpful to record an incident of harassment, but there are some keys for safely and responsibly documenting harassment

Delay: Even if we can’t act in the moment, we can still make a difference for someone who’s been harassed by checking in on them after... Many types of harassment happen in passing or very quickly, and it’s not always possible we’ll have a chance to intervene in another way. But we don’t have to just ignore what happened and move on. We can help reduce that person’s trauma by speaking to them after an instance of harassment. 

Direct: Sometimes, we may want to respond directly to harassment by naming the inappropriate behaviour confronting the person doing harm. Use this one with caution, because Direct intervention can be risky – the person harassing may redirect their abuse towards the intervening bystander, or may escalate the situation in another way.

A note about safety: Don't get hurt while trying to help someone out. Always prioritise safety, and consider possibilities that are unlikely to put you or anyone else in harm’s way. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - So what was it that happened? In the grand scheme of things, nothing especially dramatic, but equally, it's an important reminder of looking out for people around you, whether you know them or not. I've gone into detail where possible just to outline how mundane and low level things may seem, but that it's important not to overlook things and trust your instincts.

I was at a gig in London; my partner's band were playing. A female friend of my partner who we'll call "Sammy" came along to watch him. There was also a drunk, hefty man around 6'10" tall who I'd seen earlier buying a beer for a couple of folks from one of the other bands; he seemed in good spirits and friendly. We'll refer to him as "DW" (You can make your own mind up of what that stands for). DW approached Sammy and me a couple of times to comment on something, e.g. My earplugs. He even took hold of Sammy's face to see if she was wearing any. A little forward, but we didn't want to make a fuss over unwanted/unexpected/unpermitted physical contact. We knew he was drunk and just let him off, in a sense. It was also quite intimidating just how massive he was. His hand literally fit over Sammy's head and most of her face. DW wandered about the venue - a small and busy pub - and hung around with us every now and then. He kept trying to talk with Sammy and she was friendly and polite, but gave signals that she wasn't seeking out his company. I couldn't hear the conversation at all times as it was a loud gig and I was behind the merch table, but I could read her body language. Sammy had his back to him and he kept trying to get her attention and pranking her, pretending I wanted her attention; basically just messing around. DW then started trying to give Sammy a shoulder rub. He looked over at me and I shook my head and wagged my finger at him. She kept laughing nervously, and I was trying to keep it light because I felt like it might escalate with someone as drunk as him. He stopped. He kept miming to do it again (about 6 times) and I kept shaking my head, trying to laugh it off. Eventually someone he recognised from another band took him outside, presumably having seen he was being a nuisance (I wasn't able to confirm).

Later, after the bands had played, DW was outside in the smoking area and was talking to 2 women who he'd essentially cornered and was towering over. I saw they were uncomfortable and made up an excuse that they were 2 friends who hadn't seen each other in ages, so DW should leave them be (Distract). He then joined our group and I said to him that he shouldn't have been trying to massage Sammy and that he can't just go round acting like that generally. I put it quite bluntly in phrasing and tone (Direct). He denied having done that and also said he didn't care, before staggering off. I then spoke to the 2 women and they said he'd kept approaching them all night; one of them was clearly upset by something else and said to me she was not having a good day and just wanted to talk with her friend. I went to the bar, and because it was so loud, I had typed up a text message on my phone and showed it to the bar staff, who clocked DW. I said they shouldn't serve him any more alcohol and that he had been harassing women (Delegate). I then went outside for a while. When I came back in, DW was nowhere to be seen. He had been kicked out when he sat himself down at a table of women he didn't know and started helping himself to one of their drinks. I later relayed this to some of the men that had seen and interacted with DW. They didn't really know what to say but seemed disappointed that someone behaved in that way. I felt like it was important to tell them what he had been up to, so that they could be aware that shit like this - and worse - happens at gigs and that we have to look out for each other. A really good organisation to support when it comes to safe gigs for women is an organisation called just that! https://www.facebook.com/safegigsforwomen

Right to be also have an amazing range of resources and training; their aim is to "...build a world that’s free of harassment and filled with humanity"

[roisingrasby]

I have not long started getting ready for bed and my brain has decided to commission an overly elaborate, extremely baroque version of "God Rest Ye, Merry Gentlemen ". Thanks brain. Thanks.

[roisingrasby]

Today is sponsored by ...

CW: Mental health and suicide. Today's emotions can be summarised as a mix of defeat and rage. To set the tone, this is not share as a "woe is me" post. This is shared as a "This is the stuff I'm dealing with that I wanted to share with you, so you maybe feel less alone too" type of post. At the start of March I went for a Mental Health Assessment of sorts at my local practice, with the Community Mental Health Team. I was with that person for an hour (along with Dan to offer input if needed) and summarised my mental health as best I could. To do that briefly here, current diagnoses are Depression, Generalised Anxiety Disorder, OCD, Complex PTSD and Borderline Personality Disorder. I have had at least 6 different rounds of therapy, with different therapists, psychologists and psychiatrists, using a variety of methods. I am on my 4th different type of meds - Sertraline. I still struggle on a weekly basis with certain levels of passive suicidal ideation (Passive suicidal ideation is having suicidal thoughts come up, but not making plans/actions to die by suicide or hurt myself) and feel like I'll be working part time for the rest of my life as I kept burning myself out working full time. My drive is low unless it's helping others, which is familiar to a lot of us, right.

I am fed up of talking about myself. I am fed up of the guesswork of meds; are my conditions partly due to a lack of serotonin/dopamine/norepinephrine or not having them get sent to the right places at the right times? I wanted to see if I could be considered for Transcranial direct current stimulation (tDCS), which involves electrical stimulation of the brain by applying a weak direct current to the scalp. It is NOT Electroconvulsive therapy. It's taken me quite a while to build up the courage to request it, and I had to be quite firm with my GP to even be put forward to ask for it. I won't go into my reasons for wanting to try it, but it's safe to say after 22 years of being "officially" depressed, the drugs/therapy/myself is not working. Today I received the call from the assessor that "It's bad news" and after the team reviewed my case, I couldn't be considered for tDCS. That in itself was pretty disappointing, but when I asked them why - again, a bold step for me instead of just sadly going "OK" - they didn't know the reasons, which gives me nothing to work with. I asked them to get that information if possible, because otherwise it's not a very helpful "No". We agreed a follow-up phone call next week to see what alternative next steps I could take at this stage. Whew. So that's the rant over and no doubt I'll feel sheepish and like i could have explained myself better, but I think it's important to post whilst things are fresh (and when things have sunk in and been thought about, but now is not the time).

[roisingrasby]

Language matters

Something on my mind today is how we use language in everyday conversations, especially adult to kid/young person. I can't quite get all the words I want to out on the screen, as I'm having the sort of brain blockage today which means the words are all there, but can't find a way to get out. I'm sure the eyes of some people will roll when they are "forced" to think about the words they use "Oooo you can't say anything these days without [insert group of people here] getting offended". You can still say what you damn well like actually*, it's just that now people are more likely to challenge you about it. I'm not a very well-educated person, but it doesn't take an extensive education to have an opinion about how seemingly simple words are misused. Take the phrases, "When you have kids …" When? How about using "If". "IF you have kids …" ? Why assume everyone wants to have children? Well, I have an idea why, it's biologically drilled into most of us to reproduce. We are just animals that have gotten a little too big for their boots. Or - said to a girl - "When you get a boyfriend …" again, IF they get a boyfriend, and why is it assumed it's going to be a boyfriend? I'm sure many folks could add many more examples.

What also amazes me is that there are people who get so offended if you swear around their kids, knowing that those words will quickly sink into that spongelike brain, yet they will freely use phrases like the above, ignoring the fact that those words and ideas are just as readily absorbed. I am definitely learning, just like everyone else. We can all take steps towards being more open to challenging ourselves, being challenged and challenging others.

*Saying this as someone who is from and lives in the UK and won't be incarcerated.

[roisingrasby]

Temporary breakthrough

It's quite hard to explain, but every now and then I have a feeling break through the everyday brain fog I've had for many years. That feeling may only last a few moments, but it often feels like I'm suddenly very aware of my finite existence, painfully so, whilst equally being so happy to be here. With that feeling today, it made me really want to see some of my friends - even ones I'm not super close to but maybe share things like a love of music with. It feels like my heart aches during those few moments and I have no idea what to do with it. e.g. Right now I'm listening to a band I really enjoy and I just want to go see them when they are next in London. However, Dan and I are saving money to renovate parts of our house. Equally, life is short and we should be out there, taking part in things that make us feel alive. So then I reach an impasse of sorts and my little moment of light seems to retreat back into its hole. I'm not very good at put feelings into words, but felt like I needed to get the above ones out somehow. The thoughts and feelings are all in my head as shapes, scenes and physical feelings, but the words never come out quite right, verbally or on screen.

[roisingrasby]

The beginning - March 2020

Before I really get into it, I want to say that I did not lose anyone to COVID-19. I am aware that I can write about what happened in a pretty carefree way, because folks that I knew were not desperately sick and dying. I’m sorry to anyone who went through the anguish of losing their loved ones and not being able to be by their side. What I’m trying to do is just provide some sort of diary to look back upon maybe a couple of decades from now, as a reminder of one of the key points in my life, as well as the lives of pretty much everyone that was on this planet at the time. During late December 2019 and January 2020, I remember hearing news about some virus doing the rounds and being aware of it moving closer to the UK. I remember seeing a minute amount of people wearing face coverings on the London Underground and thinking they were being silly and overreacting - really, what was all the fuss about? It’s just making people uncomfortable seeing folks wearing them, right? On March 7th, I even did some filming for a TV show in SW London. By then, things were more serious and the Production team tried to make sure the props we were using - drinking glasses - were kept in use by the same person. Yet we were still all huddled around waiting, breathing the same air in an underground nightclub as none of us knew anything about this virus spread. By March 10th, toilet roll supplies were pretty scarce. I was doing 1 Second Everyday videos and that was my exciting snip for the 10th. People were starting to stockpile and it was showing.  I remember reading a local new article - we were living in Catford at the time - about a woman who tested positive for the virus taking an uber to Lewisham Hospital. I don’t have much to say about that memory, just that it’s there, floating amongst all the others. At work, we held a networking event for some of our members on March 3rd and turnout was pretty low. I still wanted to shake peoples hands and (stupidly) display my calmness and confidence. Not something I look back on with pride. Later that day, we went to watch Liverpool play Chelsea and sat covertly amongst Chelsea fans in a packed stadium. I’m not sure at what point I started to actually get worried, but I think it would have been around the second week of March. We were due to travel up North for a friend’s birthday, but we cancelled amongst a cloud of uncertainty and distant rumblings of panic. Dan’s was able to work from home before I was. I know that I was worried about my asthma and the amount of unknowns we were suddenly all surrounded by. Each day, going into work not sure what was to come. On March 17th, we were told to take our laptops and go home. I believe I decided to walk back via Liverpool Street so I could pick up a few food items. Then, when the train got back into Catford, I went into a local mart that sold a variety of international foods. I at least was mindful to take only what the 2 of us would need for a few days, as hopefully all would be well soon? So many of us though that, that it’d be fine by April. I was in quite a light-hearted mood and even thought we’d try some foods that were unfamiliar to me. March 26th, we were all out on our balconies clapping for the NHS. At the time, it felt like a wonderful display of camaraderie and a way to share something together. A couple of weeks of this, I even remember half-jokingly shouting at a jogger from the balcony, urging them to clap. But it soon became apparent that claps were not paying bills. Claps were not going to save the lives of NHS workers, dying on the frontline, whilst we felt smug about “showing up” in front of our neighbours. Stores and services adjusted as quickly as they could - implementing queuing systems marked out in yellow and black hazard type or with stickers, reminding us to keep 6 feet apart. There were one-in-one-out policies and of course, face coverings were mandatory unless you were exempt. I don’t remember much about what was broadcast by the government at this point. It all ended up blurring into one smeared shambles of a response that was far too slow from our government, with Boris Johnson at its helm.

To keep ourselves sane, everything became online. Parties, quizzes, catch-ups, lo-fi but much appreciated comedy from friends - I loved watching my friend’s “Washing Up With Tom” - that was hands down a weekly highlight. I don’t have a neat way of wrapping this post up. I just know it’s a start to remembering the lockdown(s) and how the world was for me at the time.

[roisingrasby]

This is just a quick initial post for now, which I'll add onto as needed. It's a list of some of the books and stories I loved as a child and still have a soft spot for. Each time I think of them, I think, "I must make a note of that..." and then never do. Well, here is the start of it:

Dinotopia

Fattypuffs and Thinifers (Original French title is "Patapoufs et Filifers")

Milly Molly Mandy

Pretty much anything by Judy Blume

South and North, East and West: The Oxfam Book of Children's Stories (I still have a copy)

Strega Nona

The Berenstein Bears

The Magic Faraway Tree

The Magic Schoolbus

The Polar Express

The Secret Garden

The Velveteen Rabbit

Three Men in a Boat

Treasury of Children's Stories (Hilda Boswell)

Treasury of Poetry (Hilda Boswell)

[roisingrasby]

-Just a robot-

cw: suicidal thoughts

Note: I only wrote this about 4 hours ago and it seems so distant to me. I felt like it was something I wanted to share because that’s just what I do. I am safe and always tell Dan or someone when I’ve had these thoughts.

Why are there days where suicidal thoughts just pop up in your head? To be fair, I kind of know why, but it intrigues and infuriates me.

So for me today it was after finishing some decorating - I've been quite productive even though it's been a low energy day for me. No bad things had happened and I hadn’t had any traumatic memories surface. However, as I was relaxing after decorating and just scrolling through an online shop l found myself thinking "What’s the point? Why am I even here?". I'm not sure if it was the sum of lots of little anxieties adding up and if it was perhaps my brain’s overly efficient "solution" to not having to deal with these anxieties, but it also didn't help that I was just mindlessly scrolling through an online shop and thinking about possessions - how there is such a huge amount of waste in this world. And it was pretty shitty to have to sit with those thoughts. But I knew I had to acknowledge and find my way through them, so I did a Headspace group meditation (you don’t see anyone else, it just says stuff like “80 other people are meditating with you”.) It was hard at times, I felt tears rolling from my closed eyes and down my cheeks. But the thought that there were 80 or so other people sharing some mindfulness at the same time was comforting. Maybe some of those people were feeling just as overwhelmed and numb, or maybe they were doing fine and just keeping up good habits. Whatever brought them there, we were all connected for those few minutes.

To go into a bit more detail about when it comes to suicidal thoughts with me, a lot of the time it's not ever anything dramatic. It’s almost like an assessment of the situation. What pops up in my head quite a lot is feeling like some sort of robot that's been found to be a defective in some way and the most efficient way to deal with this is just to dispose of it. Not waste time by repairing it or anything, it's just deficient and not needed. There are billions of other robots so why should I matter if I'm not here? Just one robot. I don’t share these things for people to reassure me or give me reasons to live. I need to find that myself, but still want to share my experiences with you.

If you are feeling down or suicidal, take the time to find someone and tell them. You are worthy and you are not a burden, even if it feels hard. If it can’t be someone in your household for whatever reason, speak to your GP or a support line such as:

Samaritans.You can contact Samaritans 24 hours a day, 365 days a year. Call 116 123 (free from any phone), email [email protected] or visit some branches in person.

You can also call the Samaritans Welsh Language Line on 0808 164 0123 (7pm–11pm every day).

SANEline. If you're experiencing a mental health problem or supporting someone else, you can call SANEline on 0300 304 7000 (4.30pm–10.30pm every day).

Papyrus HOPELINEUK. If you're under 35 and struggling with suicidal feelings, or concerned about a young person who might be struggling, you can call Papyrus HOPELINEUK on 0800 068 4141 (weekdays 10am-10pm, weekends 2pm-10pm and bank holidays 2pm–10pm), email [email protected] or text 07786 209 697.

Campaign Against Living Miserably (CALM). If you identify as male, you can call the Campaign Against Living Miserably (CALM) on 0800 58 58 58 (5pm–midnight every day) or use their webchat service.

Switchboard. If you identify as gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgender, you can call Switchboard on 0300 330 0630 (10am–10pm every day), email [email protected] or use their webchat service. Phone operators all identify as LGBT+.

C.A.L.L. If you live in Wales, you can call the Community Advice and Listening Line (C.A.L.L.) on 0800 132 737 (open 24/7) or you can text 'help' followed by a question to 81066.

[roisingrasby]

It’s kind of inevitable that today would come. 5 years since Mum died. 5 years of not telling her how my day has gone, what Dan and I have been up to or if I’ve seen an Airedale. 5 years of realising how many questions I meant to ask; from trivial bits of family history to understanding more about my childhood and things that may help me understand myself better.

During the first lockdown, she would have been wonderfully resourceful with various recipe ideas and tips on how to make dinner when resources were temporarily scarce. I am also certain that she would have been pretty strict with people breaking restrictions or acting selfishly. I definitely would have missed being able to give her a hug and a kiss, but am not really sure if it’s better that I don’t have to go through that?

Eventually when we’re able to travel safely, I hope to be able to go through some of Mum’s things and hopefully find forgotten photos and maybe some stuff from her Mum and Dad. Little pieces of a puzzle that don’t really need to be made, but the urge for nostalgia generally overrules any logic.

I try not to cling onto every anniversary. But I still use Mum’s accident (5th November 2010) and her death (4th January 2016) to measure time by. For example, I see the date a film was made and, seemingly automatically, think to myself “Oh, 2008, that’s before Mum’s accident”. It’s not an especially helpful process, and I doubt it will be used as a way to document history on a wider scale. I know these thoughts will fade over time, so I’m not trying to fight them. Just hearing them, giving them space and carrying on.

[roisingrasby]

My Mum’s wonderful Tuna Tagliatelle:

Shortly after lockdown started (too late) in March, I’ve found myself thinking of my Mum and wondering what sort of meals she would have been recommending that are easy, filling and possible to make big batches of. She was always so resourceful in my eyes and had her larder stocked up with pulses, grains, tinned veg, spices and herbs. I try to do some of the things she did - washing out tinned tomatoes with a splash of water just to get that bit more in the pot, freezing fresh herbs in various states, and blitzing day-old bread to make breadcrumbs for use in future meals.

Pretty much once a week since lockdown began, I have been making one of my childhood favourites: Tuna Tagliatelle. Kieran and I loved this as kids. The crispy bits from it baking in the oven, sizeable splotches of gooey mozzarella and buttery, tuna-flecked ribbons of tagliatelle (which was often the dried green and white variety from Sainsbury’s). Dan really enjoys it, which makes me happy - it really is comfort food to me, so I thought it would be nice to pass the recipe on to others. I hope you find as much comfort in it as I do. I’ve also included the pictures of the recipe card my Mum had written out. I’m pretty sure as an adult, I asked for it as my birthday meal once. I’ll try and remember to take a photo the next time I make this so you can see it in all its glory.

Baked Tagliatelle with Tuna, aka Tuna Tagliatelle

Serves 4 (or 2, very heartily). Not suitable for freezing. Many, delicious calories.

Ingredients:

225g tagliatelle

125g butter, cubed

125g fresh Parmesan cheese, grated

Salt and pepper, freshly ground

2-3 tbsp milk

2 x 184g tinned tuna (or salmon, but I’ve never tried it that way), drained

125g mozzarella cheese, chopped or torn into rough chunks

4 tbsp fresh breadcrumbs (I use frozen ones that I’ve “made” just fine)

Method

Pre-heat the oven to Gas Mark 6, 200 degrees C, 400 degrees F. No idea if this accounted for fan ovens, but I’ve been fine on 200 with my fan oven.

Make sure all the above ingredients are prepped so you can throw it all together. (“Duh”, you say)

1. Cook the pasta according to the packet instructions. Drain, return to the pan and mix in half the butter and half the Parmesan, plenty of seasoning and the milk, then stir until well blended.

2. Butter an ovenproof dish and spoon in half of the mixed pasta. Spread around so it’s nicely distributed

3. Scatter the tuna/salmon and all of the mozzarella on top, then cover with the rest of the pasta

4. Dot on the last of the butter, then sprinkle over the breadcrumbs and the rest of the Parmesan. I tend to grind some more black pepper over.

5. Bake for 20 minutes, until the top is golden and crunchy.

A few comments from me:

I just serve it with some garden peas or petit pois. Very simple and elegant. Haha.

I’ve had times where we’ve not had any Parmesan (gasp!), so I’ve just used more frozen breadcrumbs and seasoned them really well, then added a bit of Marigold Nutritional Yeast for a more cheesy flavour (although unfortunately I think the “nutritional” part is lost during the baking due to the heat). It worked well for us.

At a pinch, I’ve used spreadable butter. You can also use slightly less proper butter, say 100g instead of 125g. But I suggest embracing this dish for all its buttery goodness.

Here are the photos. I’m guessing she wrote this in the 90s or maybe even 80s:

[roisingrasby]

CW: Mentions self-harm, assault and sexual violence

“Oooo have you watched this?” is a question that often makes my heart sink. Before going into it, I do want to highlight that I’m very lucky to have the choice of watching anything. I also can’t be too specific with some things like when they happened, because I don’t want anyone to feel bad. This post is a stream of consciousness, rather than something really structured, so my apologies for the lack of flow.

So, watching stuff. A great way to unwind, right? Not necessarily for me. Before I/we settle down to watch most TV programmes or films, they have to be checked for content. My go-to sites are either IMDb or commonsensemedia.org. It’s hard to know where to begin, but I freak out (with varying intensity) at things that include:

- Sexual assault/attempted sexual assault. As an example, I can’t watch the bit in Back to The Future where Marty’s Mum (as a teenager) is sexually assaulted. I get really panicked and upset.

- Rape

- Domestic abuse

- Female nudity, even if it’s non-sexual. Sorry, for this and the next 2 points, I’m not sure how best to describe it without being binary. Suggestions are welcome

- Women wearing revealing clothing.

- Any women that I deem “too attractive”. I have replayed scenes so I can scrutinise the specific ways they are more attractive than me

- Strong violence, like torture or scenes where it really focuses on the violence, or violence from conflicts

- Scenes where someone has a mental breakdown and they really amp up the intensity through various cinematic methods. Also, watching someone deteriorate really affects me

- Violence and neglect against animals

- Attempted suicide and suicide, whether during, before or after.

- Some stuff with dead bodies

- Anything that involves strangling or someone being held by the throat. Doesn’t matter what part the character is playing. Even typing this is making my throat tense up.

- Horror films. Imagery stays in my head and repeats itself, flashes up unexpectedly and sometimes morphs into something even worse in my head. I personally can’t deal with that and it leads to me detaching a lot more.

Now to some, this seems like a silly list. And maybe to others, they can relate. Some stuff listed is actually perfectly normal. Whatever the reaction, everyone has their own reasons. I’m not trying to make myself out to be some unique, delicate flower here. Plus, the above list doesn’t mean it’s all directly happened to me - that would be a little much (and kinda impossible). However, some has. If it has, I go straight back into the panicked feeling and can physically feel it in my body. This sometimes leads to me being detached afterwards. I’ll try and explain some further.

One example is from my 23rd (?) birthday party. I was living in a shared house in Newbury and had a house party. It was great fun and I definitely got too drunk and started flirtatiously annoying this guy who was a friend of a friend that I’d not met before. He then proceeded to hold me up against the wall by my neck and threaten me. I was drunk and in too much shock to do anything. He rapidly left with the friend he came with and said he’d get his lawyer involved if I tried to do anything about it. So I never did. It could have been much worse, but I felt so weak and powerless after that. A friend, Grant, very kindly took me out on a motorbike ride the next day to Avebury, which really helped take my mind off of it. Anyway, I digress.

Anything that is to do with nudity, attractive women etc. can be really problematic. I have had various body confidence issues since I was 11, which is nothing abnormal. Bullying, magazines, advertising, social norms etc. affects so many. Various things in my life, mainly from relationships, have exacerbated it to the point where I feel like it is deeply ingrained somewhere in my brain and will take a lot of work to change. I hate the surge of rage that comes up, I have to hug something up to my body to cover it and sometimes have to punch something (never someone), because I’m just so angry and feel like I’ll explode if I don’t hit something. Being told I’m beautiful has no impact. It is well beyond that point now, as is any reasoning. So many emotions and thoughts come up. Jealousy, envy, anger, inferiority, feeling threatened, sadness, disgust. It’s a lot to deal with, so for now I just do my best to avoid stuff that may do that to me. Unfortunately, a lot of stuff seems to include a shitload of female nudity.

I feel ashamed showing this side of myself. And guilty that Dan has to deal with this (he is so understanding and has never ONCE moaned about not being able to watch something). But I’m so bored of it and tired of it. Watching stuff is a small part of life, but I think during this lockdown, it’s been on my mind a lot more. I can’t wait to get back into therapy when circumstances (due to the lockdown) allow. Also, unfortunately my EMDR therapy was no longer able to do sessions where I could get to. This happened quite suddenly, so we weren’t even able to do a last session.

As a general note, whilst I’m fine talking about it to an extent, I don’t really want people to bring this up if we are about to watch something together or if they’re recommending something. At this point in time, it is something that makes me feel very guilty, even if someone is lovely about it. E.g. “Oh don’t worry Róisín, this won’t have anything upsetting in”. Chances are I’ll find a way to make sure it’s something I can watch.

Not really sure of how else to end this post. As always, I’m interested to hear from others who experience things like this, or used to.

[roisingrasby]

It’s been 4 years today, and I’m aware of how time can erode and change memories, so I thought I’d type out some random things about my Mum. Just little things I remember about her, and maybe some big. We’ll see what comes out. I’ll add to it over the years. - She wore Clarins Eau Dynamisante for day-to-day, and Chanel No. 5 for special occasions - She liked to wear subtly blue mascara. She wasn’t really a lipstick kinda person - She ironed tea towels and bed linens. I definitely don’t take after her for that. - Her nails were often manicured, as she’d go every couple of weeks in later years. When she died, I think she had on sparkly red nail polish. Kinda like Dorothy’s shoes in the Wizard of Oz - Clothes shopping was definitely something she enjoyed. She likes Monsoon, Joules, M&S, Hobbs, John Lewis. - She really wanted a red KitchenAid. When she was in John Lewis, she’d always make her way in her wheelchair to go and find it. - Her greeting to me was often “Hello love”. I can still hear it now. To say goodnight, it would often be “Nighty nightshirts”. Oh, and “Wakey wakey” in the morning. Nothing special, but I remember it in her voice, so it’s special to me. - A true Liverpool fan through and through. For rugby, it was Wales first, then England, then New Zealand. She also enjoyed watching cricket. - She hated Alex Ferguson - especially the way he chewed gum - Speaking of gum, she tended to have the Wrigley’s Cool Breeze or Spearmint flavours - She hated hot chocolate and milkshakes - Much to my disgust, she was a smoker on and off. I still remember being so mad when a friend of hers tempted her to have “just one” cigarette when she had given up - Her beer of choice was normally Stella Artois. I remember she hated Malbec. At Christmas, Bailey’s was definitely her thing. - Mothers Day was “Mothering Sunday” in her books. So I tried to make sure cards had that on it - She trained to be a nurse until quitting in the final year - I think she found it too stressful - but for most of her life she worked night shift at Sainsbury’s, mainly in the Beers Wines and Spirits section. She got to go to wine tasting events, so that was definitely a perk. - Her hair was often pretty long until she got ill. She would get highlights done and her hair was always lovely. She used to let me brush it, as a child and an adult - She loved Dead Ringers. She would cry with laughter at the Dead Ringers sketch where “William Hague” (Jon Culshaw) recreated the Desert Island Disks tune, with hens in the background. I remember her laughing at it so much once that she had to stop driving. I was really pleased to be able to arrange for her to see Dead Ringers recorded for the radio a couple of times, as an invited guest of Jon Culshaw. He was so lovely to us all. - She was more of a bath person - Her cooking was wonderful, as well as her baking. She loved getting recipes from the Waitrose magazine, but of course had many of her own that she’d make. I fondly remember the simpler ones, such as Tuna Tagliatelle (think lots of mozzarella, tuna and breadcrumbs), and Spaghetti alla Paesana. - Birthday cakes were always something I looked forward to. As a child, she’d often make this amazing chocolate cake for my birthday that had mayonnaise as one of its ingredients. - Her larder was always well-stocked. She ordered spices from Fox’s Spices and had such an amazing array. She loved to cook curries, too. - I remember drinking condensed milk with her. One of our family friends, Monica, is from Slovakia, and she introduced us to condensed milk in tubes that you could just squirt into your mouth. Oh. My. Goodnes. - Her favourite breed of dog was Airedales. She grew up with them and would always be excited to see them. I found a lovely Airedale on twitter (yes, dogs can tweet), called Dame Toastie and they posted photos online especially for my Mum. It really helped cheer her up when she was ill. - Of course, she loved all our Spaniels too. I remember she would sing a particular tune whenever she dried off the dogs, which they loved. - We had different political views. She was Conservative and when I was 3 she taught me to stick my middle finger up whenever we went past Derek Hatton’s house. I would never tell her who I voted for (Hint: Not Tories), but it was never something we discussed much - The first car of hers I remember was a blue VW Polo called “Polly Polo”. I think she learned to drive in her 20s. - She loved music. She’d play Madonna, Eurythmics, Bon Jovi, The Lightning Seeds, Ocean Colour Scene, The Beautiful South, Simply Red, The Beatles, Talk Talk. I also have fond memories of her putting on  “Killing in the name of” BY Rage Against The Machine and headbanging with me whilst singing, “FUCK YOU I WON’T DO WHAT YOU TELL ME”. - She was scared of horses, which I personally cannot empathise with - She loved liver and bacon. Yuck - When she was a child/teen, she played the cello - She would sometimes wear double denim, but I always thought she looked cool - When I was in Year 4 at Primary school (St. Nicholas C of E), she got her nose pierced. I remember being horrified before she got it done, because I thought she’d have a huge bull ring through her nose and the other kids would make fun of me. As it happened, it really suited her and I went on to get my nose pierced twice when I was a teen - She loved to read. Through her, I gained a love of Bill Bryson and The No. 1 Ladies' Detective Agency, which is series of novels by Alexander McCall Smith - I loved her handwriting. Mine can look quite similar. It was definitely not similar enough when I was 7 and wrote a note to the teacher to try and get out of P.E. It was in pencil and signed “Love Róisín’s Mum”. I think I used my asthma as an excuse - She was very good at sewing. Never learned to darn though, which she felt was a shame. - The last film we watched together, under a week before she died, was Sleepless in Seattle - The last film we watched before her accident was “Tamara Drewe” in the Newbury Corn Exchange - I think one of her favourite songs was “Mr. Blue Sky”. There was another one but I can’t remember it right now - I think of her whenever I shake out the laundry before hanging it up. And “agitating” it a bit when it was drying - She did a lot of eco-friendly things. She would recycle anything she could, use reusable bags, use sustainable, environmentally friendly things in the kitchen. She had a lot of kitchen things too. Her Le Creuset set was the original burnt orange colour. She loved to buy things from Lakeland and Williams of Sonoma. She had a dehydrator from Lakeland that she’d do sundried tomatoes in. She loved to make jam, vinaigrette, sloe gin, blackberry vodka and various sauces and pickles when she lived in the countryside. I still have a vinaigrette she made that I can’t quite throw away - One day we weren’t able to open the electric gates to get to our house (we lived in a workers cottage, not the fancy house). She’d had her amputation by this point and was in her mobility scooter, but she boosted me over the high from wall and I let us in. I then had to go on a mission to get some fresh sage leaves from the estate gardens my Stepdad worked in. She loved to use fresh sage in her stuffing for our Sunday roasts. I had to be really sneaky and hide behind trees to avoid people. It was pouring with rain. I loved it. - She loved macarons. The last memory I have of her alive and conscious is her sitting upright in her bed, eating some macarons I’d bought her from M&S. She was content. - Giving blood was very important to her. I think she’d made over 60 donations before she got cancer To be continued...

[roisingrasby]

I call this piece "Dan showing off when he was getting changed and missing the laundry basket". (at Catford, Lewisham, United Kingdom) https://www.instagram.com/p/BzJZ9sIBOL2/?igshid=hpu9y968t4t5

[roisingrasby]

Every now and then I would remember this computer game that I would play on a Mac whenever I was visiting my family in the US. All I could remember was something about a "salad factory" and being praised by the game whenever I made a salad that was high in fibre and low in fat. After a short time googling, I was able to find out the name and then subsequently found this video. I was so pleased! Another example of what a wild child I was, huh? I loved that game so much.

[roisingrasby]

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Well, we may not be out, but there is worse company to share a Saturday night with. #boomerang #goldenretriever https://www.instagram.com/p/BtrAKXpH4q3/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=1ppp2w4ev05lv

[roisingrasby]

Yesterday, I made a big step (for me). I hung out with my boyfriend's family WITHOUT HIM THERE. No they are not scary or mean, no it's not the first time I met them. But, I have felt a self-imposed barrier that's stopped me from texting (Ummm, I may be making progress, but I'm not going to phone) and asking if I can come and spend time with them. This feeling is not unique to Dan's family at all, I feel this way a lot of the time with friends and family. That, combined with not having much of my own money, stops me from going out A LOT. I knew Dan would be off in Bristol at band practice, and another friend hadn't replied to an offer of hanging out (which is another thing I'm working on - not letting that hurt me). It's hard to exactly put my finger on, but I think my main worries were:

That I was only "tolerated" because I'm the girlfriend of a family member

I'm not good company

I'm an inconvenience.

By the way, Dan has 2 brothers that live in SW London and his Mum is in Cumbria, just to set the UK scene. His sister lives in Florida and half brother, Stepmum and brother live in Switzerland.

So yesterday afternoon, I pootled off via train(s) to Wimbledon, on my way to see one of his brothers, sister-in-law and young nephew. I wasn't at all nervous about the hanging out when I was there, it was more the build up to me being there and envisioning his brother or sister-in-law thinking, "Well that's a bit weird of her to come over without Dan". All of Dan's family are such lovely, generous and fun people. And I want to point out that the way that I feel doesn't reflect how I view them, it reflects how I view myself. I'm trying to show myself that I do have value, and that other people like being around me. Noooo, not everyone I meet will like me, but that's OK. When I got back, I felt really pleased with myself, happy about the day I'd had and comfortable with the fact that I'd do it again.

[roisingrasby]

The Last Christmas

I don’t think I’ve recalled this memory before, in writing. It was Christmas 2015 and we knew it’d be Mum’s last, since the terminal prognosis early that year and her deterioration. Her energy was low but she was happy to be home. On Christmas Eve, I helped her by wrapping presents and giving her gift tags to write on for Pete and Kieran. Presents were duly put under the tree and the next day they were happily unwrapped. I clocked both my brother and Stepdad quietly pocket their gift tags as a cherished keepsake. I felt a jolt in my heart as I realised that I wouldn’t have one, because it would have felt odd to have gotten Mum to write mine in front of me. It’s not like having the tag would have kept her alive longer, and I’m so glad I was able to help sort it for Kieran and Pete, but it’s still a tangible thing that your mind knows you’ve missed out on. I definitely miss her the most this time of year, but am so grateful that I had any Christmasses with her at all. I don’t need comforting or to be told it’s OK to feel sad and miss her; I know it is. That’s all I can think of to say really.