Rolling Sloane - Glitterazi

** Rolling Sloane ** A Glitterazi website, an online lifestyle and entertainment blog, covers popular culture with a fresh approach, humor, honesty, and irreverence from all over the world. Being a member of his University's Alpine Ski Team only because: he had a Subaru and a healthy disregard for the condition of his liver. Rolling Sloane is our decidedly opinionated motoring columnist, for better or worse. www.glitterazi.com

[rollingsloane]

Aspiring & Independent Bloggers covering Entertainment, Arts, & Modern Life:

We produce original information via a global collective of writers and aggregate the highest quality content from around the internet.  Our aim is to create, compile, and deliver one-of-a-kind articles, op-Ed, and thought provoking pieces about  entertainment, arts, and modern life from around the world.

At Glitterazi we are a bit different in our way of doing things. Rather than attempting to enrich ourselves through masses of ads and paid product placement, our goal is to enrich the lives of our readers and the careers of talented writers. Social responsibility and honest reporting, which seem to be almost completely absent in modern media, are our two guiding principles. While this isn’t always the easiest way of doing things, being the best seldom is…

Our writers are a diverse group from all over the world, who may not always agree on everything. Of course no one view is more important than another, and censorship is forbidden. Glitterazi covers all the important and not so important topics affecting entertainment, arts, and modern life. Our writers being free to express themselves, tend to do it! If you want a one dimensional blog with a singular narrow focus, we have some recommendations, but Glitterazi is not one of them. Our Blogging Centre brings together the works of talented writers from all over the world, and we wouldn’t have it any other way. Why have boring, when you can have Glitterazi?

[rollingsloane]

Rolling Sloane Guide to Cars One Might Actually Buy That Don’t Completely Suck

Since brutal honesty and irreverence happen to be the hallmarks of the Glitterazi brand, Rolling Sloane has of course refused to apologize to the chief executive for his previous automotive we’ll call them indiscretions. The Ford Focus once driven by yours truly was a top of the range model, handled extraordinarily well, and I was dating a SAAB at the time. The point is we all make mistakes, some just much more so than others. The Renault Clio is still crap, but despite being the butt of many jokes, the Ford Focus has been, well, a McLaren F1 in comparison. The Focus is a good car. There I said it, so stop asking. I thought this was covered in the buy any Ford and all but one VW article, but this gave me an idea. Therefore, here is the “Rolling Sloane Guide to Cars One Might Actually Buy That Don’t Completely Suck:”

  Ford’s

VW’s save the new Jetta

Subaru’s

SAAB's (if they’re still available)

Any current Jaguar

Most Alfa Romeo’s

2003-2009 Range Rover (not the fucking Sport)

Jeep Grand Cherokee (current model)

Pre-late 1990’s Merc's

BMW’s model series E46 and below

Lexus IS250 (manual only)

Range Rover (sans suffix)

Volvo XC90 (should you happen to be a safety conscious yummy mummy)

  Ok, that’s not a very long list, and this is the problem. Most modern cars are designed by committee in order to appeal to the masses. Being either nerdy or old enough to remember the DOS game Lemmings, I would compare the masses to the rapidly multiplying lemmings on your screen, but that’s not really fair. Society has to a point gotten beyond this, so instead a group of intelligent people have built a consumer economy appealing to morons. General Motors simply wouldn’t exist in a society of even moderate intelligence, but, in the age of bad reality television, the company got a huge multi-national taxpayer bailout. The French have done the same thing for decades, and it is only their very limited production flagship cars that don’t suck. Jaguar and Land Rover are the same company, yet only one half of the company still “get’s it”. Clearly, something is wrong here.

  I’ll let you in on a little secret, there is a reason for all this: the Chinese. The level of consumer sophistication in emerging markets relative to completely developed markets creates a fraction so minuscule that I’m not sure what the metric pre-fix would be. That’s some brutal honesty right there, and until a sophisticated consumer society develops in China, most cars designed for that market are going to continue sucking. GM saved the Buick brand, which if you don’t know is the American equivalent of say Rover, because it’s a top luxury brand over there. BMW’s new 5-series is a Buick competitor in China, which helps to explain why it sucks so much. Hell, Rolex changed their entire model line to increase sales over there, but like that old American patriotic song from 1917 says: “and we won’t come back till it’s over, over there.” There’s more money to be made selling cheaply built crap off of a past reputation for excellence than there is in pushing technological frontiers, which is why Jaguar doesn’t make anywhere near as money as BMW, but at least some companies at least put forth the effort. Of course, these are the same firms who either sell entirely different cars or relatively few of them in China. Notice a trend, here?

[rollingsloane]

The Best Overall Car...

I quite frequently get asked, what is the best all-around car you can buy? Of course, this sort of question delves into that murky area where objectivity and subjectivity seemingly fornicate within the confines of one’s brain to create that intellectual bastard child we all love: informed opinion. However, there are instances where these two divergent concepts are in agreement, and you end up with a marriage between them. The product of this relationship is, well, this strange concept referred to as the truth, and the truth is that the VW GTI is the best all-around car made. Not only does it tick all of the boxes of what you want in car; it’s also fun, which only the Germans might be able to quantify. They probably did just that, and the engineers at VW were ordered to make that car a 10 out of 10. Not being German, I’ll just say the GTI is quite fun to drive but in a “German” way. It's more of an afternoon drinking in the bier garten with friends than a Bunga-Bunga Party, but that's still fun.

  I have rightfully accused Volkswagen of abandoning their decades old pursuit of building high quality, practical, excellent value for money, and reasonably fun to drive cars. Frankly, they’re attempting to beat Toyota at their own game, which is the building cheap crap and selling it based on a no longer accurate reputation for doing the opposite. The funny thing is that the head of Toyota has recently decreed that his company’s cars should be better and more fun to drive, so we shall see what the future brings on that point. The Mk6 GTI came about right before this plan went fully into action at VW. Therefore, it’s not utter crap. Rather, the GTI is much better car than Audi’s A3, which shares the same underlying platform and oily-bits. What you get for that reasonable price tag is a practical hatchback with plenty of room, yet is still small enough to work as a mode of transport within a crowded city. Add to this excellent quality, top notch safety ratings, handsome yet evolutionary styling, good residuals, decent economy, high reliability, and more than enough luxury features it begins to become quite apparent what you’re looking at here. What that is, is the ever-popular VW Golf.

  What if you made a better, faster, more comfortable, and really fun version of that same car? Would that not be the ultimate all-in-one car? Yes, it is, and they call it a GTI. With more refined suspension tuning, supremely comfy sports seats, a 2.0L turbo engine, six-speed manual, better steering, and grippy sports pedals the GTI does all of that. Add to the equation residual values that are nearly unbelievable, and the value proposition has gone from pretty damn good to where do I sign? Plus, VW has this posh yet somehow egalitarian brand image, so no one is ever going negatively judge you for driving one. Frankly there’s no reason not do just that; it is the best overall car you can currently buy. The GTI maybe actually the embodiment of the German National Anthem: Deutschland über alles, as it is German and above all the best. Anyone with any sense should drive a GTI, so you will undoubtedly be shocked to know that I obviously do not. Of course, I’m definitely not German or for that matter in anyway sensible, so consider this a classic case of do as I say, not as I do. Buy a GTI, before VW ruins it and I have to rewrite this piece. Meanwhile, I shall duly continue my search for the ultimate in automotive Bunga-Bungadom, since I'd be out of material otherwise.

[rollingsloane]

A Badge Too Far:

Land Rover has gone and pulled a classic Monty move, and completely overreached in an attempt to beat the Germans. Whilst this may not be on the same scale as Operation Market Garden, the premise remains the same, because Land Rover has given its posh small crossover a Range Rover Badge. Yes, the Q5’s, GLK’s, and X3’s of the world are going into battle against a baby Range Rover, but like sending Paratroopers up against Panzers, this won’t end well. Ok, that’s enough channeling of my inner Mark Corrigan, yet the conclusion remains the same: a Brit resorting to tricks in order to beat the Germans more quickly than they would have otherwise have done at a greater cost. You see, the Evoque is the best car in its class, and should beat the Germans. It’s just not a proper Range Rover.

  The usage of the word “car” to describe the Evoque in the previous paragraph is where the trouble begins. A Range Rover is not a “car”, it’s a fucking Range Rover. Some might call it a light-truck, a 4x4, and SUV, but no matter what you call it you know one when you see it. This is swoopy thing, which apparently had Victoria Beckham as a design consultant (you can see my stance on this in the Jeep Grand Cherokee Review), not only isn’t a real 4x4, but it’s not even close to looking like a Range Rover. I have my issues with the Range Rover Sport using the nameplate, but it at least looks and acts the part. This technically brilliant car utterly fails to tick any of the boxes on my “that’s a Range Rover” checklist. Land Rover already has a vehicle competing in this class, albeit a little less luxuriously. It is called a Freelander (LR2 in America), so what is the point of having a Range Rover in that class. The Sport and the Discovery share a chassis, yet there’s no real product overlap there. The actual Range Rover really has no competitors as such, but it could be somewhat cross-shopped with Jaguar’s big XJ. This is, of course, totally fine, since Jaguar and Land Rover are the same company. Why, then, couldn’t this “car” be badged a Jag?

  I haven’t clue as to why this is not the case, but then again I’m not a corporate branding expert. Of course, those type of people probably drive Audi TT’s or G-Wiz’s, which means they’re morons who haven’t got the fainted idea as to what a Range Rover is or does. However, in spite of the total cock-up in branding the damn the damned thing, the JagRover (as I’m calling it) will, like the British Army, eventually crush the Germans. Just like World War II, this will be accomplished with the help of the Americans for whom this type of car is the equivalent of an upscale super-mini. It’s posh, it’s good, it's a damned fashion accessory for God's sake, but just not a fucking Range Rover. Even my father says so, and he actually likes the Sport!

[rollingsloane]

Coming Back Into Focus:

 As has been stated here before, Ford may indeed be the automaker with the best lineup from top to bottom, but that doesn’t mean that Ford has always been in such a position. When Ford was developing the replacement to the much-maligned car whose nameplate was a euphemism for the word prostitute in the late 1990’s, they decided to name the new car the Focus. That Focus won “World Car of the Year,” and I even drove a top of the range variant. Of course Ford may have designed a very good car, but the quality was just not there (piss poor dealerships don’t help much when your car keeps breaking). The second-generation Focus, which never saw the light of day in North America, shared a platform with the Volvo S40 and Mazda 3, so the Ford had to play the role of down-market little brother to the Swede and Hiroshiman. It’s those sorts of intra-company brand management issues that Ford’s flogging-off the majority of their non-core holdings has caused to no longer effect the Focus. Ford has concentrated on just making excellent Fords, and I like Fords.

  The new Focus is the third model in this line of new, quite excellent, cars from Ford, and they have really outdone themselves on this one. As good as the Fiesta and Mondeo have been, the Focus is just better. The designers and engineers have made a car that is truly best in class. The benchmark VW Golf has now been utterly bested in quality, handling, performance, price, and attention to detail. Where VW has rested on their laurels and dropped key features from their cars, Ford has added content and created an absolute world-beater. The only issue with the 2012 Focus has been with older-people having problems with the touch-screen controls imbedded in the dash, but apparently they haven’t used an ATM since 1995. What you get, besides the new interface, is a high-quality and roomy interior; very-good steering, just enough power, and what is currently the best front-drive chassis money can buy all add up to make the Focus quite fun to dive.

The Focus gets top safety scores, as well, so the only actual issue with the car is that of the Focus badge itself. Ford has done the brave thing here by not changing the badge, but in doing so they may have done buyers a favour. Since they have chosen to call this a Focus, it will not be as desirable as a VW, so you’ll be able to get a much better deal on one. Yes, list prices have been creeping up a bit, but the average transaction figures are still similar to the old model. Basically a Focus buyer is getting a better car than say an Audi A3 for about Chevrolet Cruze money, and that may be the automotive bargain of the decade. Surely the general public will soon discover that the Focus is an excellent car, but earlier adopters can get in before demand skyrockets. Yes, in spite of the issues with my own Focus ownership back in 2002, the 2012 Focus gets the Rolling Sloane seal of approval. As my editor will tell you, I both keep a grudge and am quite the snob, so this must be a damned good car!

[rollingsloane]

Death to (or from) Diesels

When Tinie Tempah said, “these haters couldn’t get to where I am with a full tank of petrol,” he must have been driving a diesel car, because range per tank is the only real advantage of a compression ignition engined automobile. You see diesel, despite the warped view of some European “environmentalists,” is slowly killing you. No, it is; the harmful emissions from oil burners are exponentially greater petrol/gasoline engines, which means that the current CO2 scare mongering is making everything much worse for everyone. Major ports around the world are installing high voltage shore-power in order to prevent large vessels from having to run their polluting diesel generators whilst in port, yet the powers that be want more dirty diesels on the roads near our homes? Clearly something is amiss here, and it’s not that marine diesels are that much more polluting than their road-legal counterparts. No, the need for greater MPG ratings and lower CO2 emissions has shockingly come at the expense of our collective health and that of our planet, which is why I truly hate diesel powered cars.

Of course, most them are utter crap anyway, since the French build a disproportionately large number of the polluting little diesel shit-boxes. However, good cars (when equipped with a proper engine) also fall victim to the ills of the much heavier and less versatile diesel. In simple engineering terms, the engine in a petrol/gasoline-powered car can be made much lighter, because it operates at much lower pressure. The same power plant by being internally lighter has a greater RPM range, which makes the car easier to drive and much more responsive, and having less overall weight over the front axle improves handling remarkably. Add to this the facts that diesels require specialized maintenance and have pressurized fuel systems, which makes running out of diesel a very expensive proposition, the slightly better MPG figures seem like a bit of a Faustian bargain.

In the United States, which is the actual home of the environmental movement for those of you completely unaware of modern history, the only diesel passenger cars currently available for sale (VW and Audi has put a sales hold on the TDI) require Urea Injection of their NOx-rich exhaust gasses to meet even minimal (non-CO2) emissions standards. That’s right, there has to be what is basically piss sprayed in to the exhaust, which has already gone through particulate filters and a catalyst. Even then it barely passes, and should you run out of the fluid, the computer has to be programmed to not allow the engine to start. Plus the particulate filters have a knack for clogging in lower (although. really not that slow) speed driving, which also causes the car to shut off. The Americans are also in the process of converting heavy vehicles to run on much cleaner natural gas power. The engine manufacturer, Cummings Diesel plans to make more of these engines than traditional diesels in the coming years, yet the Europeans are pushing for more diesels that produce more harmful nitrous oxide(s) and particulate emissions. These kill people, and with the advent of Socialized Medicine, we all have to pay for the treatment of the unnecessarily effected cancer patients. Therefore, help save lives and the planet by boycotting dirty, foul, and potentially murderous diesels...

Especially the Renault Clio "Eco"!

[rollingsloane]

The VW Jetta: Built for America in Mexico

I used to like the old Jetta; it was simply a four-door variant of the Golf. The Golf has over its six generation been, well, a damn good car, and VW always sought to maximize profits by selling one with a little extra steel behind the rear seats. Sadly this era is now behind us, and the new Jetta is frankly a bit shit. Actually upon further reflection the new Jetta is more than a bit shit; we’re talking a steaming pile of elephant dung may be a more apt comparison. Yes, it is that bad, and it really shouldn’t be like this.

My (seemingly accident prone) cousin is on her second Jetta and third overall VW, and between the Jettas she drove a B5 Passat, which shared a platform with the Audi A4. The new Jetta is about the same size as that Passat, and that’s the problem. VW has gone for the old Americans think that bigger must equal better, so we’ll build them a big yet cheap car. This may have been true in the past, but the people who bought into such nonsense are so upside down on their mortgages that they won’t be buying a new car for a very long time. Plus, Ford, GM, Chrysler, and the Koreans have actually started to build competitive products at an affordable price-point, and they don’t have the decades of poor service and unjustified snootiness, which mare the VW brand in America. Of course, the fact that VW operates two excellent value-for-money oriented brand in Europe and the British Isles makes this whole situation all the more laughable. Skoda’s Octavia with a proper boot-lid rather than a notchback hatch would have made a great Jetta to sell in North America. It’s a car known for it’s great build quality, value, reliability, attention to detail, and fairly good drivability. The Octavia is based on the Golf, and replacing some badges for export is not a difficult exercise. VW had other ideas, and, well, they were bad. As good as the Octavia is at being a bit roomier and possibly better built Golf, the Jetta is the antithesis. It may be bigger, but not in a really usable way.

You might be wondering why the Jetta is so bad, and yes, part of it may be the fact that I expect more from VW. However, the facts still do not change; this car is a decontented piece of shit, not worthy of a VW badge. Volkswagens have traditionally had great interiors with high perceived-quality; my mother drives an eight year-old VW convertible that could still pass as new in that regard. The Jetta, however, looks and feels as if the Rubbermaid Company was the low bidder. Wait, no, Rubbermaid would be a step up from this; the Jetta’s interior has a level of refinement on par with Paul Hogan in Crocodile Dundee. The sea of cheap plastic, pervasive wind noise, and piss poor seats, which lack the fine adjustments like the “worm-screw” recline that have been VW hallmarks for decades, all add up to mediocrity at best, yet it gets worse. Gone are the hydraulic struts on the “trunk lid”; in their stead is a pair of space robbing gooseneck hindges and no metallic plate to protect the bottom of the opening. Therefore, your Golf with a boot holds less stuff than, well, a Golf.

The driving experience is even worse than the interior. Volkswagen makes one of the few electric power steering systems that truly doesn’t suck, but that’s not the system present in the Jetta. No, an old-fashioned hydraulic assisted steering rack has been used, which I a system that I generally prefer. Not here thought, the Jetta’s steering is over boosted like a 1990’s GM product, and even General Motors gave up on that sort of thing. If you add to the not so great steering a crap engine, notchy transmission, and brakes unbecoming of a “German” car, then you get a car that even the Koreans would never have bothered producing. That doesn’t mean that VW isn’t currently rolling such a car off an assembly line in Puebla, Mexico; it’s called a Jetta. If you’re considering the Jetta, buy a Golf or a Focus; they don’t suck. 

[rollingsloane]

Head, Head, Head, Toilet...

A wise friend of Rolling Sloane once said: “the kind of girl who would utter the phrase: ‘shall we head to the head for some head?’ probably calls it the toilet.” Since we have already focused on cars for enabling in the pulling of champagne socialists and other members of polite society, it’s high time that there a discussion of what works when one feels like a bit of has been so articulately referred to as: “slumming”. Ok, that may be a bit harsh, but no one has ever accused yours truly of being anywhere close to being politically correct, which is of course a concept completely divorced from being actually correct, mind you. Supposing one wishes to be all PC about this (funny, this was written on a Mac), call it a sociological experiment into the mating rituals of the working class or something; I don’t give rat’s ass what you call it. These cars will help you accomplish your “mission” as a man; women, you just need be present and willing.

Ford Mustang- Yes, the Ford Mustang is the top choice here, and this is once again one of the automotive choices of glitterazi.com’s co-founders (yes, the same Old Wykehamist for whom French city-cars are apparently automotive perfection). Especially in convertible form it is going to remind your “target” of her big trip to Orlando and the car that she wishes they would have rented, instead of that dreadful little KIA Rio (aka the Kiarrhea). The current Mustang, despite being an Alabama redneck’s dream machine (I asked), is actually quite a good car. The interior has gotten to the point of almost being acceptable, and the performance is simply unmatched for the money. In fact, the V8 GT model is as fast a round a track as a BMW M3, all whilst still maintaining decent ride quality. Sure, the fuel costs are going to be higher than say a GTI, but you’re getting supercar performance plus all the tail in Essex (or anyplace else with similar intellectually underwhelming demographics). As always, Rolling Sloane would like to take this opportunity to remind you all to remember Van Wilder’s golden rule: “don’t be a fool, wrap your tool.” However, Mustang ownership may require the purchase of one's prophylactics in bulk, but you'll just have to manage.

Alfa Romero Brera- Quite simply this is the best looking car you can buy with looking like some sort of elitist prick, Jag driving MILF, or a middle aged banker attempting to recapture any semblance of his long past youth. The car is no longer in current production, but being an Alfa new and barely used examples are still currently available from main dealers in the UK. American readers, well, you have the Mustang easily available and cheap gasoline, so enjoy your Ford. In Britain, the Alfa can actually help with all women; the car is that damn sexy. A Page 3 girl, residents of Cheshire, and the pearl wearing girls of Parsons Green can all agree on how good looking the Brera actually is. In fact, one of RS’s many ex-girlfriends –a hot, ginger (yes, they do exist), Saabophile, champagne socialist, thank you- even attempted to justify how such a car could work as a great family car to a former boss. She really just wanted to drive around in a Brera rather than an old 320d, but the point is that a spectacularly beautiful car just works on all levels. Whilst the Alfa could never challenge the Mustang in the performance category, being front-drive (only the 3.2L Q4 is AWD), heavy, and underpowered, it appeals to everyone’s id, and is that not the point of this whole exercise? If you just wanted a good car, then VW makes quite a few varieties of Golf for your consumption. However, no fit girl outside of Wolfsburg, Lower Saxony is ever going to fuck you due to the fact that you drive a nice VW Golf.

These two cars are the only cars of this variety available at a more moderate price point, which are actually any good. Yes, a posh car will get you some working class action, but Chelsea and Buckhead are also chock-full of well-spoken gold-diggers. That Audi, will get you a good girl gone ever-so-slightly bad, but a sex pot of a car just might help you land the kind of girl for which you’re really looking. Since neither a Mustang nor Berea is in anyway renown for either long-term desirability or reliability, they both happen to be the kind of short-term automotive decisions that parallel the short-term relationship one is seeking with the girl who says, well, toilet. My Francophile friend sold his Mustang, and then kept borrowing my car to drive home his dates. This writer, however, was happy to oblige, because I happen to have the only thing that trumps a car in the quest for short-term companionship: a dog with a back-story. Unless, you have a dog given to you by an ex who then “couldn’t handle commitment” and abandoned you with an adorable puppy –hey, she only needs to hear your side of things-, get one of these cars. You’ll thank me for it later, since Golden Retrievers are usually longer lived than either car or any subsequent "relationships".

[rollingsloane]

Gallic Chic...

No, this is not write-up about some girl some-what lacking in the ability to produce melanin, yet somehow oddly attractive: that would be a “Gaelic chick”. The today’s admittedly large nosed subject of discussion is a certain French automobile: the Citroen C6. You see, Top Gear and a certain Glitterazi co-founder believe that the French are best at making clever little small cars, but they are just so fucking wrong that it’s not anywhere close to being funny. You see it happens to be the big, totally bonkers, large executive cars, which represent the hallmark of the French motorcar industry. The English, Italians, and Germans all make much better tiny little front-wheel drive hatchbacks, but only the Americans and the “frogs” do big brash front-drive quasi-luxury cars. Yes, there are myriad of reasons as to why no other automakers do this sort of car, but in a world where automotive homogenization has become the norm, I want something unique. Big French cars (and American ones as well) are so refreshingly different from the norm that I just feel some sort of magnetic attraction towards them. Citroen with the C6 has broken pretty much all the rules of conventional automotive design, but what do you expect from one of the only two nations building proper nuclear-powered aircraft carriers.

  You have to give it to the French; they have this unique ability to make that, which should on the surface be absolute rubbish, into something fucking brilliant. They do it with food, secondarily fermented grape beverages (from what should be a piss-poor growing region), and the C6. This big, nose-heavy, front-drive car should drive like, well, crap, but thanks to a really clever active Hydro-pneumatic suspension it almost doesn’t. Could you practically steer it with your pinky, yes, but who gives shit? Look at the car. This is sculpture, which due to some really clever technology, works as a car. The boot lid is convex to match the concave rear windscreen, so what if it makes the opening too small for you’re date’s luggage when your driver comes to fetch you on the way to catch your train from Gare du Nord –and yes it will, trust me-. There is more than enough room in the front seat for her bag. You won’t care about the utter lack of rear seat headroom due to the sloping roofline, because the seats electrically recline. It wouldn’t be the official car of the French President if this were a real problem. Oh wait, scratch that last point, forgot about Sarkozy being a midget. Still, the car is so fucking gorgeous.

  Citroen doesn’t currently offer the C6 for sale in any part of what they call the Anglo-sphere, but they did at one time. You can, everywhere but North America, buy a slightly used C6 for really very little money. Being a flagship car, even the cheap versions came spectacularly equipped, so you can get Bentleyesque levels of kit for the cost of a tiny shit-box runabout. That is not only value for money on a grand scale, but a great idea for a future Glitterazi project. We could buy a company C6, get an intern with their own insurance, and save a fortune on taxis for our London based staff, but that involves making actual money, damn. Anyway, you see my point. A car this brilliant is so completely lost on the masses that a savvy individual could buy one still under warranty and drive the same car as the fifth most powerful person in the world! This is a very limited production model, so exclusivity is part of the deal. However, it uses a Ford/Jag/PSA V6 diesel, and the other parts come from regular mass production Peugeots and Citroens. The servicing, unlike in a Bentley or Rolls, won’t cost anymore than a standard car. Plus, have you seen the women you get in a C6? You may want to follow the advice in the Saab review when you pull one of Mick Jagger’s exes, but with a C6 doing just that becomes a much more viable possibility. That is what the French do best!

[rollingsloane]

The Koreans Build a Lexus Competitor...

Rolling Sloane has gotten a number of requests for a follow-up to that whole crap badge but nice car thing in the wake of a few unwashed morons claiming to represent “democracy” climbing out of their taxpayer subsidized Brooklyn hovels in order to protest for higher taxes on those who presumably pay for their continued existence. The targeted individuals wanted something equivalent to their Lexus LS460s, yet the car had to have the worst badge imaginable. Fortunately for the American capitalist class, such a car exists: the Hyundai Equus. Yes, the carmaker to Asian delivery drivers and morons willing to trap themselves in a lifetime of relative poverty (Korean cars have deceptively low purchase prices when new, but little residual value and horribly expensive replacement parts) makes a reasonable facsimile of the top Japanese luxury car.

  Hyundai is actually quite serious about this luxury sub-brand, and has definitely pulled out all of the stops in a full-out assault on their Japanese competitors. For an all-in price of $58,900 (that’s about £38,000), one only has to pay insurance and fuel for the first five years of ownership. Should the Equus require service, the installed app on your iPad (supplied as a supplement to the owner’s manual) allows you to schedule a time most convenient for Hyundai to drop of a loaner car and then return your Equus fully serviced and detailed. Setting foot in the dealership and mixing it up with the plebeians is basically the only thing not included with the car, but it is doubtful anyone cross-shopping the competition would really miss that experience all too much. No, Hyundai has done Lexus (the benchmark for automotive ass kissing) one better on the customer service front, and that alone should win-over quite a few current LS owners. Plus, by only including one actual Hyundai emblem on the car, one’s brand conscious “current wife” probably won’t even realize that there has been new addition to the family.

  The car itself should also appeal to the current Lexus driver; it is quite clear for which benchmark the Koreans were aiming. Spec for Spec the Equus basically equals the top-end LS, and in some cases exceeds the big Lexus in the amount of luxury features on offer. There are however two major differences: the parking system in the Hyundai is only semi-automatic and it exhibits this concept called road feel. This is a good thing; instead of being completely isolated from the road like the Lexus, the Equus is only maybe a 95% isolation chamber. Think of it as more set of noise-cancelling headphones rather than a sound and shockproof room. It’s still quite, cozy, and supremely luxurious (in a distinctly Asian way), but there is a modicum of driver involvement required. Of course, the seats do have a multiple setting massage function as well as a (defeatable) seat shaking lane-departure warning system, and the adaptive cruise control will practically drive the car for you. However, upon pressing your right foot there appears this low-pitched burble, which is the unmistakable sound of a powerful V8 that is noticeably absent in the Lexus. Both cars have a 4.6L V8, yet only one lets you know, even ever-so tactfully, that there are indeed eight pistons going about there work with-in that 90 degree engine block ahead of you. This is where the Hyundai wins (well, apart from the price and next level ass-kissing customer service), it’s as good at the Lexus where is has to be, but it’s not the automotive Stepford Wife, which the LS460 truly is. Assuming that one wants a better Lexus, for less money, with better service, and a crap badge for some stealth über-luxury: this is your car. I on the other hand, don’t give a flying fuck as to what some dirty hippies think about Capitalism or my car. Therefore, I still stand beside my previous assertion that the Jaguar XJ is the best luxury car (not just for the money, but the best one, full stop)!

[rollingsloane]

Britain's Best: a New Jag, an Old Aston, and Some Jet Fighters!

The best news to come out of the recent Frankfurt Motor Show was not the 7-speed Porsche 911 or the new runway at the Frankfurt Airport, which is properly interconnected to the high-speed ICE train network (did you hear that Heathrow and JFK a new runway and real trains). No, it was Jaguar’s new sports car dubbed the C-X16. Finally, it appears that there is going to be a worthy successor to the E-Type. For the first time since the 1970’s they are going to make a proper cad’s Jag; you know, the kind of Jaguar where you have to have sex on the bonnet because it lacks backs seats! Ian Callum and his design team have once again gotten it oh so right, but he is also the man responsible for establishing the current design language at Aston Martin. A car maker who also makes a two seat, “fuck me now” sports car in the Vantage, and a slightly used but still current looking V8 model should cost just about the same as the production C-X16. Here in-lies the ultimate cad’s dilemma, does one get the sexy new Jaguar or a cool but slightly used Aston Martin?

  Let’s make the case for the purchasing of the New Jag: well, just look at it.

Ok, there has to be more to the Jaguar than "just look at it", but seriously the car is sex on a stick. Actually, the Jag is more than just rolling sculpture; unlike say an Alfa Brera, the great beauty of the car is backed-up by some incredible engineering. Basically, the Jaguar C-X16 rivals only the Eurofighter Typhoon as a showcase for the absolute best of modern British technology; we’re talking cutting-edge stuff here. Instead of using a conventional V8, Jaguar is fitting F1-like a hybrid boost system to an all-new V6. You are hitting the big red button for more power when you need it just like engaging reheat and overriding the normal performance parameters of fly-by-wire system in the Eurofighter. Both are docile and efficient for "everyday" use, yet within them lies the capability to be an absolute balls to the wall, world-beater as required, very clever stuff. Of course, just like the Eurofighter, the Jaguar is built to placate the Continentals. It emits less CO2, is more friendly to pedestrians in a crash (I want my Leaper back, damn it!), and due to the compromises required in achieving these great feats of efficiency will only be offered with a computer-controlled automatic. This is new, modern, and all very cool, but there is an old-school alternative.

  You see, if the Jag is the equivalent of the Eurofighter, then an older V8 Vantage is an automotive F-15E. Hear me out on this. The Vantage is the last of a line of conventional Astons, but like the Strike Eagle it shouldn't really be as good as it actually is. All of the current Aston Martins are built on the same platform, which was designed to be an unsurpassed GT car. The F-15 was designed to be an unbeatable fighter under the motto: "not a pound for air to ground”. Both design teams clearly achieved their goals. Astons are unbeatable as GT cars (despite the repeated attempts of Ferrari), and the F-15 has a battle record of 104-0, which makes it statistically the best fighter jet ever! However, both original designs were ultimately adaptable in ways unimagined at their conception. With some small engineering "tweaks" both became two-seaters fit for a completely different purpose. The big DB-9 begat a Porsche competitor in the Vantage, and the best fighter ever with some small changes became the world’s best low-level attack plane. Yet, the two-seaters both still carry the DNA of the original designs, so they both ended up being able to do the new role as well as the old with equal aplomb. 

The Aston Martin and the F-15 still have old style manual control interfaces (a real transmission in the Aston and mechanical controls in the F-15), so instead of having to punch some electronic override button, you just keep going. The mind blowing performance is just there. Give it some throttle and go. Despite being the last of an old breed, the Vantage and the Eagle still represent the most capable machines of their type, and with small upgrades they're going to continue beating the more modern competition. That’s why I’d rather have a used Aston despite the maintenance costs, and the most capable fighter in Britain may be at an RAF base, but it sure as hell doesn't belong to the Royal Air Force. You see the US Air Force’s 47th Fighter Wing at RAF Lakenheath flies both variants of the F-15, and the RAF flies planes built to appease the Europeans. Something which Britain and her automakers really ought not to do anymore. I thought that policy had been proven to be really bad idea back in 1939, but I don't run the UK or Jaguar Cars. Aston Martin, like the Americans, don't really care what those Euros across the water think, and in this case that is a very good thing!

[rollingsloane]

Avoiding That "Posh Badge" Stigma…

With Class Warfare currently being raged by the political left on both sides of the Atlantic (not a political judgment, just stating the truth about rhetoric coming out of Clegg and Obama), it has come to my attention that some (ok, almost all) of the recommendations put forth in this column might not necessarily be “politically acceptable” in the current climate (of course what’s politically acceptable to the boy who didn’t understand why we couldn’t still have patrician lanes on the roads like the Roman in his first-year Latin class and has in this column argued for the London rioters to be sent to Texas in order to shot for violating the sacred right to property is always suspect, so I asked around to make sure on this one). Since I was apparently right in my assumption -isn’t it amazing that right means correct, and the left is the “unclean” or “bad” hand that uncivilized people use to wipe their own ass (again, just an observation not a political statement in any way)-, this week is going to focus on good cars wearing a “normal” badge. Basically these are the brands of cars that my anti flash badge (yet huge car enthusiast) grandmother would have driven:

  Subaru: My father is a Subaru man (he likes to think of them along the lines of Audis that actually work, and isn’t very far off in his judgment), and my brother drives my old (and under his watch quite abused) Outback H-6. Subaru makes a damn good car (not just for the price), and possesses a brand image extolling value-for-money, which is something their European competition simply (Audi and Volvo) cannot claim. Think of a Subaru as the anti-BMW, a status symbol only for those “in the know,” or an actual gentleman’s automobile (my brother excluded of course). Plus, they’ll still pass inspection after crashing through a fence once the remnants of a post are less than carefully removed from the undercarriage (warning: do not let irresponsible younger siblings borrow your “rally proven” Subaru; they may do some impromptu amateur “rallying” themselves). I would stay away from the current Legacy and Outback (too big), but a previous generation model with even 100,000 miles on the clock still has decades of use and abuse left in it. This aircraft-like reliability is due to the fact that Subaru’s boxer engines are actually used in airplanes, there is actually an Aero-Subaru (they may have also made the kamikaze plane that tried to kill your relatives during World War II, but those bombers were much more rugged than the Mitsubishi Zero), and the tractor-like ruggedness is assured by the fact that in some places the Subaru dealer is also the local agricultural supply.

  VW: Well, my mother drives a VW, and she’s become even more opposed to automotive displays of wealth than her mother-in-law ever was (my father did get a first date by having an Audi, but according to her that was well before Audi’s become “popular”). Volkswagen means “People’s Car” in German (Funny how the original name of “Adolf Hitler’s Car” didn’t stick), and save the new Mexican made Jetta, which is total crap and completely unworthy of the badge, they also make a good car. The Golf alone literally has a variant for nearly all people (from TDI to GTI there’s bound to be one you like), and the Phaeton is literally the same car as a Bentley Continental for a mere fraction of the price. VW may have possessed a brand image that was slightly posh, but their attempts to move much further up-market clearly failed (hence the total POS new down-market Jetta). Therefore, you can safely drive a VW, well, anything but the Jetta.

  Ford: Yes, good old Ford. Ford may now be the best all around automaker in the world. Build quality and reliability have now surpassed pretty much all of the competition, and Ford employs an entire development team just to make sure all of their cars handle well. On top of making reliable, fun to drive, cheap to own, and readily available cars: Ford is also a leader on the safety front. Basically they don’t make a bad car, and head to head they subjectively and objectively keep beating even mighty BMW in comparison tests. The only problem with a Ford is that you have to put up with a Ford dealer. If they treated their customers like say Lexus, then there might not need to be any other automakers, but sadly this is not the case.

  Unfortunately this short list is that way for a reason. Either almost all moderately priced cars are total crap, or you wouldn’t be caught dead in them (this does not apply in America, where they are just crap). Nobody reading this column is going to drive a Skoda (despite them being in most cases better than the VW upon which it has been based), unless it happens the last car left at the airport rental counter. The current world’s second largest automaker (the mighty Toyota Motor Company) only makes one car (in a single specific trim/engine/transmission combination), which doesn’t completely suck (Lexus IS250 6M), but, of course, it has to be from their fucking posh brand. Clearly something is wrong here, and I more am willing to bet that it’s not my judgment, which my mother has declared as quite harsh but unfortunately (her words not mine) almost always correct on these things. Basically, if you want to survive the political onslaught with out looking like a total, well,  “stupid posh twat”, then your automotive choices are clearly (and quite unfortunately) limited, but you can always spend that extra money on a bigger boat. Even a militant Marxists (hopefully a good-looking one) likes to go a boat ride, and remember, that yacht can even be Volvo powered (ok, it’s not the same company as the car maker anymore, but you get my point)!

[rollingsloane]

The Worst Car, EVER!

  I was asked the other day about what was the worst car that I had ever driven? Despite having driven quite a few shit boxes, there is only one credible answer: the Toyota Prius. I kid you not, this car is a bigger pile of crap than that BMW picture from the other day. If this is the future of motoring, then I for one am getting a bus pass. Yes, I would rather take the bus than drive a Prius! However, there is more to it than mere dislike of the car. You see, this so-called “eco-darling” is actually an environmental disaster and is more likely to kill you than most modern cars, in even a minor accident.

  In order to build your Prius in Japan (where industrial clean air laws are on about an equal footing with the likes of Mexico), the somewhat toxic nickel-metal hydride battery has to come together. This is a multi-part process, and it starts in picturesque a strip mine in Ontario, Canada. From there that nickel ore is smelted in what is called the “Super-Stack”, which is a huge producer of acid rain, the cause of large surrounding environmental degradation, and puts large amounts of harmful particulate metals into the air of northeastern North America. The smelted nickel is then shipped to Europe for refining, and then on to China to be made usable for the battery. Only at this point does it finally reach Japan for final assembly, so quite a journey has taken place (quite the "carbon footprint" isn't it?). This battery is then charged with 300 volts, which runs through a big orange cable under the car to the electric motor up-front. I have been told by more than one firefighter that the risk of electrocution is so great that they fear for their lives when extracting people from a Prius after an accident, and they’re wearing protective gear! You are in the car presumably wearing your normal clothes, and there is still the risk of a punctured fuel tank in this or another car involved in a crash. High voltage electricity and volatile petroleum distillates do not mix without explosive consequences, so no I would personally thank you to even a “free” Prius.

  Not only is the Prius an apparent individual environmental disaster and an alleged “death-trap”, it also pretty-much sucks at being a car. The interior consists of what appears to be indifferently assembled cheap plastic (they now make a Lexus version, so it had to get worse than even the appalling previous generation Prius for branding purposes), all of your critical information is in the center stack, the transmission controller looks and feels like one of those knock-off X-Box controllers, and there is absolutely no head room. I am about 5’10’’ and have to literally haunch over to see out of the steeply raked front windscreen (getting in the back is physically out of the question without reverting to some sort of yoga pose). The brakes are disconcerting in that they are a bit crap until the regenerative braking takes over (a process that is about as smooth as a beginner snowboarder performing the edge-catch/fly-swatter fall to stop maneuver), and the electric steering rivals an epidural for most numbing thing ever experienced by mankind. It’s all just complete crap, and the headlamps, even on the high-beam setting, do not let off enough light to safely drive the posted speed limit at night. Wet or even moderately slippery conditions make the car practically un-drivable due to the fitting of low rolling resistance tyres. This means that they have no grip since by design there is as little adhesion to the road surface as possible. The fact that a VW Golf TDI gets better mileage, costs less, is a far better car, and has none of the drawbacks of the Prius makes me wonder why anyone would buy the Toyota? Of course, we all know the answer to that question (hint: Toyotas are only purchased by idiots). If you own or are even thinking about purchasing a Prius, please consider voluntary sterilization. The world no longer needs ditch diggers like we did in the past. Machines do that job now.

[rollingsloane]

WTF BMW?

The Mercedes-Benz E-Class may be the most versatile automobile ever made, so it would be only natural for other automakers to emulate this success. However, BMW has always offered a much more sporting alternative in the appropriately mid-sized 5-Series, or at least they did. The new Bimmer may be the best Merc emulator ever conceived, yet that makes it the worst BMW ever! That’s saying something, because since the turn of this century BMW has completely lost the point. They finally make a car that looks like a proper BMW, and end up making a car whose driving dynamics mimic a certain modern “luxury” Hyundai (a car from a country –Korea- that has not produced an original product or idea, ever). What BMW has done is make a shorter version of the big 7-Series and called it a 5er, which is something even Cadillac has learned doesn’t really work.

  This whole thing is quite a shame, because the E39 generation (1995-2003) 5-Series is one of the finest cars ever made. Of course the current 3-Series Bimmer is about the size of the old 5er, but nowhere near as good. Instead of being a little/big car (larger in size but compact in driving feel), the new F10 is just a big car, albeit one lacking in overall space. Of course it won’t be your airport ride or Taxi, because being a modern BMW the operators of those cars know the steer clear. Basically it’s a Merc without the durability, or in layman’s terms: basically it’s crap, really. Do not buy this car. If you want an actual BMW, find an old one. You do not want the new electronic “active-handling”, when they used to make one with mechanical "actual handling". If you are in the market for car in this price class, then might I suggest an entry level Jaguar XJ; it doesn’t suck, unlike the Bimmer, which I’m pretty sure could beat my Dyson vacuum cleaner in sucking contest.

  BMW really cocked this up, and the company seems living off their past glories on a level that is only really rivaled by the English National Football Team. BMW has completely abandoned their brand values, and eventually that is going to catch-up with them. The d-bag market has already switched to Audi; of course, the morons are never far behind. This is going to leave BMW with only the enthusiasts who loved having a practical and reliable yet sporty automobile, but they no longer make a single car that possesses, well, any of those qualities. No need to fret, my fellow enthusiasts,  Alfa Romeo now makes cars that actually work, so the whole BMW brand shall soon become completely superfluous anyway. Although, they’ll probably sell a ton in Red China, so they can afford no longer care about their core market. Since uncontrolled economic booms are never followed by a bust. Oh well, Bimmers were fun cars; it is such a shame that BMW has quit making them.

[rollingsloane]

On Saabs and Condoms...

Safer sex and safer cars are good things, assuming that one values life more than the pleasure gained via the alternative.  Just as there are many varieties of condoms for one’s choosing, there are quite a few carmakers that emphasize their commitment to safety.  This generally leads to a slightly tedious and boring car with less engaging experience, like –I don’t know- sex and condoms. Saabs are, however, a bit different. They’re Swedish (as is Volvo, but hey, I stretched this to write two articles –the new S60 review is forthcoming, I promise-), and Sweden is known for three things: Inexpensive furniture, social responsibility, and attractive/liberated women.

  Saab’s are safe, fun, eco-friendly, practical, relatively posh, and pretty damn good-looking with a design philosophy born out of the brand’s aviation industry heritage.  The basic design of the current Saab 9-3 has been around for nearly a decade, but it is still one of the best looking cars in its class.  The optional Haldex XWD (read: cross-wheel drive) is simply the best all-wheel drive system available on any car, and list of standard kit could practically fill the Dead Sea Scrolls!  The ride quality is almost Jag-like, and some pretty damn good handling more than makes up for some of the durable but hard plastics of the interior (the brilliant cup holder being the exception).  Saabs like all Swedish cars are known for their comfortable seats, ability to fit all sized drivers, cargo area (for shopping at IKEA or the baggage that accompanies your current partner), and back seats which are large enough to make use of the condoms that can be properly stored in the cooled and insulated glove-box (in case you didn’t know: latex and heat do not mix- on a side note: the polyurethane condoms, which are hypoallergenic as well, can also be safely kept in a wallet-). You might be able to get the Hugh Grant Special in a BMW (he did after all), but Saabs are built for shagging (disclaimer: you can also do this in a Volvo, but it is quite poor form to bang the neighbor’s au pair in back of their V70 –not that it cannot be done-)!

  Against the newer competition the 9-3 pretty much holds it own.  Dynamically this is not a 3-series BMW, and that is actually a good thing for once. The current E90 generation Bimmer is simply not as good as the old E46, which was still best in class when put out to pasture six years ago. Plus, the BMW is ubiquitous, ugly, less safe, dangerously un-reliable (Google: 3-series fuel pump +crash), difficult to find with even the most basic features –cough, folding back seats, cough-, comes with i-Drive for a navigation interface, and the damn car is not even available with a bloody spare wheel (ask my uncle about being stranded in Lower Alabama due to BMW’s short-sited specing of oversized wheels with so-called “run-flats”).  Audi’s A4 2.0T Quattro is on paper an exact match for the similarly speced Saab 2.0T XWD, but the Audi has a less sophisticated all-wheel drive system and is down on power.  In equipping an A4 to a similar standard as the Saab, one will be stuck with the dreaded MMI (better than the BMW’s i-Drive, but not by much), Dame Edna headlights, an electronic parking brake –no handbrake turns for you-, oversized wheels to ruin the ride quality of the first Audi in a decade to not be a kidney buster, and the brand image of being a total cock and/or social climbing badge whore who finds BMW’s popularity too “down market” which now unfortunately accompanies Audi ownership; Prince Charles and Kate Middleton both drive Audis.

  Ignoring the fact that Saab is in financial trouble; they make a damn good car. Supporting this company in buying one of their safe, fun, and durable cars can help save the brand. Do you really want to live in the world where your only automotive options are some Fords, 10 varieties of VW, Far-Eastern appliances, or something else from Germany? Ok, the Americans and Italians still make cars, but you’ll probably catch herpes from the kind of girl who lusts after you Mustang or Brera. No, the sexually liberated, intelligent, champagne Socialist you’re looking to pull will gladly get in your Eco-Power Saab, even if it has never seen a drop of Ethanol (she doesn’t have to know). Buy a Saab and use protection; the risk/reward equation is excellent for both.

[rollingsloane]

America, Truck Yeah!

  Whilst Land Rover was consulting with “Posh”–read: ironically named cretinous slag- Spice in designing the new “Range Rover” Evoque (it is even less a Range Rover than the “Sport”), Jeep has gone and built a proper Range Rover competitor in the new Grand Cherokee. That’s right; if you want proper off-roader that’s somewhat posh but not over-the-top, then buy that big (yet refined) hunk of American steel. Jaguar and Land Rover are the same company, but clearly the respective management teams do not speak. How can Jag’s be so good, and Land Rover (in respect to the Range Rover nameplate) be so damned wrong. Thank God that Jeep’s new management and Italian owners get it. Jeep actually invented the posh off-roader segment (yes, well before Land Rover; hell they invented the off-roader segment and the first Land Rover was a re-bodied Jeep). They are actually the “old-money” brand, and now they have the merchandise to back up that boasting.

  Last decade- when Daimler-Benz still owned Chrysler- Jeep was given the lead role in designing a common platform for both the new Mercedes M-Class and Grand Cherokee. The subsequent sale, bankruptcy, bailout, and now sale to FIAT of Chrysler may have delayed the introduction of the new GC, but it’s worth the wait. Where previous Jeeps have been dismissed (some rightly so) as cheaply built American crap, this one may be the best value-for-money proposition, well, ever. Under the old (German) regime the Merc would have to have been the better/nicer product, but, since as we all know Mercedes has been building some real turds, the Jeep would have been total crap (see the pervious generation model for evidence). Since this is no longer the case, the Grand Cherokee (in Overland trim) is better equipped (that’s right, luxury pack extras on the Rover are standard equipment), quieter, has an actual “truck” engine and transmission (i.e. not a poor repurposed Jag engine), better on and off-road, less gaudy (seriously what were they thinking with that “face-lift”), and apparently safer (beat the “safest car in the world” Volvo XC-90 in multiple tests) than the Land Rover Range Rover (the real one) for less than half the price. The Rangie only has the two advantages of better below the interior belt-line plastics and a drop down tailgate; that is it!

  This isn’t just some jingoistic Pro-America babble, the Jeep has gotten glowing reviews even in places where “Death to America” is a national greeting. Fiat is going to use the new V6 engine as a basis for a new global engine family, and there is going to even be a Maserati based upon this platform. How they’re going to style a Maserati, well that’s open to discussion, because the Jeep is chiseled to just above the tear point of the steel. I guess it will have to be less rugged, oh well. That’s the point; the Jeep is both rugged and luxurious in a way that doesn’t compromise the ability to be a good car (finally). It is as if Jeep benchmarked the (pre-2010) Range Rover, but instead of mimicking it (ok the terrain response knob is a blatant rip-off) they decided to make something better. The Jeep uses proven components when necessary to avoid issues Land Rover built into the Range Rover (a dislodged ABS sensor will not just lock you in limp-home mode in the middle of nowhere, rather it turns off and a light tells you there’s no ABS currently). However, the engine (the V6) is all new, and tested to a higher standard than even the Japanese competition. Jeep still offers a revised 5.7L Hemi V8, but, rather than rush in an unproven new ZF transmission to accompany their new V6, a proven Mercedes 5-speed automatic is used instead. Conservative engineering and good use of Technology, maybe Daimler let go of the wrong half of the company? Jeep is back, and I cannot wait to sample what’s next (a new Wagoneer anyone?)!

[rollingsloane]

Responsible Irresponsibility…

  This being summer and with Rolling Sloane being a surprisingly popular wedding guest (apparently the desire for gifts more than outweighs the hefty bar tab), a fair bit of this past weekend was spent in the back of various taxis. In spite of being a bit of a drunken ass (as my grandmother once told me: “well, you can’t drink all day if you don’t start in the morning” –I’m still that not sure if this was lifestyle advice or criticism), by making use of taxis all day I was being a (shockingly) responsible adult. Sure, the man in the red trousers may have upset some exes (think Hugh Grant’s character at the Scottish reception table in Four Weddings and Funeral only completely lacking any decorum or possessing even a modicum of tact), told some girl that she would have been much more attractive had I been blind or her eyes not been brown (whilst dipping her on the dance floor nonetheless), promoted the use of a sink as a urinal to prevent some clearly unnecessary queuing in the men’s room (basic logistics really, no thanks necessary), and performed what could only be described as a bit of an involuntary Dudley Moore impression (all while thinking I was bit Roger Moore as 007). One ex-girlfriend commented that I obviously hadn’t grown up. While not really wanting to delve into that subject, I can say that my love of an open bar (especially in awkward situations) has nothing to do with any perceived lack of maturity (that would be my not wanting children and the inherent ability of men to lead a prolonged adolescence relative to women- it must suck that nature somehow saw fit not to grant women this frankly awesome trait of getting more attractive to the opposite sex as we age, but men cannot achieve multiple orgasms-). Drinking heavily when the booze free or cheap (basic economics dictate a rise in demand when supply is unconstrained- hence my ownership of a kegerator/end table) and enjoying the odd cigar is just me doing my part to help out with natures grand plan (or I possess some sort of major character flaw –well yet another one- which can be masked by my general cheapness –or manifests itself in the corner of a room between two sofas because of it). However, since I didn’t just have a couple of glasses wine before getting behind the wheel of a car, I was a model citizen compared to those “pariahs”.

  Ok, so this is not going to be an attack on the draconian drink-driving laws around the world, but I will say that for any motorist who values their future ability to drive (really the ability to be able to get insurance which one can actually afford) to not bother attempting to circumvent said laws (however unjust and scientifically wrong they may be). I know (although, not through first-hand experience) that it is just not worth it, so take a damned taxi when you drink. I took three of them on Saturday; a comfortable newer people-carrier taxi, the second I don’t particularly remember, and one, which was basically your classic old cab. Some were nice, one of the drivers was particularly chatty, and all were better than a ride to jail in the back of the Paddy Wagon (there may have to be a guest review covering that subject, since I have somehow missed out on that life experience -so far). Suffice it to say that it is better to be sorry for your actions than because of them. It’s not like I didn’t wake-up with a good-looking blonde and a slender redhead in the bed with me; two golden retrievers wanting their breakfast is a far better way to start one’s Sunday than coming-to in a padded cell (or so I’ve been told). Rolling Sloane is going to be back on form later in the week with a review of the excellent new Jeep Grand Cherokee plus an editorial on the parallels between Swedish cars and safer sex.