There’s days like today where simply existing is too overwhelming. My stresses and anxieties flood every thought and breathing feels unnatural. My mind is heavy and my body feels the same. The only thing that keeps me from breaking down is knowing that I have you. It feels as though my life is crashing and breaking down around me but I can still stand throughout the chaos because I have you here beside me. You. The only stable thing in my life.
I’ve realised lately that I am extremely open with my heart. I crave love and affection because that is what makes me feel okay. Being alone is not how I’m supposed to be. But I don’t go looking for meaningless comfort. I keep finding people who I do truly appreciate. But you. You’ve completely blown my mind.
Sometimes it hurts my heart knowing I’ve gone so long without you but I am so thankful you are finally here. From the moment I saw you I knew you were going to be a part of my life. My heart and soul were drawn to you and the feeling has only become stronger over time. I remember showing Dannielle your photos and joked about how in love I was while not even messaging you bc shy. Nek minnit, message from “Jay”. We spoke like we had known each other for years.. Of course you being a social lil chatterbox helped but you made me feel so comfortable and I knew I had to meet you. I drove 30 minutes, in a city that I’ve only lived at for a week, at 9pm, while I had the flu, to meet a stranger and simply talk to her for hours. We sat on opposite ends of the bed and spoke about dogs, relationships and documentaries. I couldn’t help but fall in love with the way you spoke about the things you are passionate about. Little did I know, in the future, your stories would become one of my favourite things about you. I eventually left without anything but a hug and your smile left on my mind. The next time I saw you we had planned a dinner date which ended up being crashed by our friends and alcohol. That night was possibly my favourite with you thus far. When I first got to your house, you avoided eye contact and were apparently interested in every thing but me. I didn’t know what to think and I was suddenly scared that you thought I was fat, ugly, boring and everything that you didn’t want. I thought “What the fuck am I doing?”. But over time, probably with help from the alcohol, you became more comfortable and my worries melted away. I felt idiotic for how smitten I was with you but I couldn’t help but smile whenever you finally looked into my eyes. And eventually, hours later, I was finally able to hold you in my arms and kiss you. I will never forget that night, not only because of your soft kisses, but because it was the most normal night I have had in a long time. A night out where I actually felt comfortable and could be myself. A night where I wasn’t surrounded by drama and people who didn’t even like me. It was then that I knew I made the right decision in leaving my old life behind. Since then we’ve spent time together, laughed together, cried together. I made you meet my parents and my dog and forced you to watch vegan videos. You’ve cooked tofu and falafels for me and have never not accepted my values even though you didn’t quite get it. We’ve learnt how similar our lives have been and understand each others hardships. It’s like we’ve been set up to be there for one another and love each other regardless of the way those shitty times have left us. I’ve learnt that you literally shower your dog and have the smallest facial features I have ever seen on a person. I’ve traced my fingers along your body, slowly memorising it and falling in love with the shape of you (yas Ed Sheeran reference heheh). I remember being in my bed when you told me you loved me for the first time. It took me a few seconds to register what you just said. I still can’t fathom how someone so beautiful could feel that way about me. But I had already felt the same about you. Jaymee, you have become everything to me in a month. I can’t think of a future that you are not in. I am so impatient with time because I just want to know everything about you and us and how we’ll work together.. But I’m so excited to create thousands of memories together and to finally not be sick so we can actually leave the house. Although, having you stuck and all to myself isn’t the worst thing in the world. I admire everything to do with who you are as a person. Especially everything to do with your mind and disorder. I know that you struggle with day to day life but I think you handle it better than anyone else could. I’m so proud of you for how well you live your life despite all the struggles. But, in saying that, I want to be here to make things easier. I want you to be able to trust and depend on me. I want you to know that I will always have your back. I want to one day be able to cook together and have you let me cut the vegetables the way you want them cut. I want to learn all those small things about you. I also want to hug you and protect you from the world. I want to make sure nobody ever hurts you again. When I look at you I have so much love and I can’t imagine why anyone would want to ruin someone so precious. I would rather kill myself before doing anything to hurt you. Is that a bit extreme? Probably. But it’s true. Sometimes I wish I wasn’t an idiot so I could put everything into words. I wish I could show you how much you really do mean to me. I wish you knew how loved you truly are.. Because I love you so fucking much. I love how fast your hair grows and how grumpy you get when you’re sick. I love that you hold my hand in public and aren’t embarrassed by being my son. I love how excited you get over dinosaurs and how adorable you look in your onesie. I love when you dance and how I can’t look at you while you do because I’m scared you’ll see how sexy I think you are and you’ll know that I don’t want you to stop. I love the way you moan and kiss my neck. I love the way your body moves and feels and how sensitive you are. If you could just let me have my way with you forever, that’d be cool. But I’m also soz for being a seedy cunt. I don’t know when to stop. Sorry. Moving on. I love that you make an effort to be a friend to my only friend and have introduced me to yours. I am envious of all the amazing friendships you have and how comfortable you make everyone feel. I hope that one day I can be the same. I feel like you are the person that I am and want to be. You are who I was before depression and anxiety crushed me down into a small person who is afraid of the world. You think that who you are is going to drive me away but nah. You are only going to improve the person that I am. You are only going to make me a better version of myself.
Right now, you are folding your clothes next to me with your overgrown hair, face full of concentration, with Ivy barking in the background. I can’t help but think about how I wouldn’t want to be anywhere else. This is what I want my future to be and you are who I want to be with. I can’t wait to start ticking things off our bucket list and I can’t wait to add the new things. I can’t wait until our first fight, so I know what to expect and know how we work together. Well I probably could wait but you know what I mean? I want to know all of you so I can say that I do love every inch of you. I will love you during your bad moods and when you hate me. I’ll love you when nothing else in the world feels right. I am so dedicated to us and I don’t want to fuck it up. So I’m sorry in advance if I yell or get mad. I’m sorry if I say anything harsh or rude. But I’ll also forgive you if you do the same because a fight doesn’t mean I’ll stop loving you. It’ll only make me want to fight for you harder. I’m just rambling now but idk dude. Just work with me. I won’t give up if you don’t. But even if you do, I probably won’t. I love you. You are mine and I am yours - for aslong as you let that be my reality. I love you. I love you. I love you.
