it hadn’t even occurred to him that he was trembling. hadn’t registered that the shake in his fingers was abnormal, that there was something to show that he was nervous. that was just one of the emotions that he felt; overwhelmed in too many ways. senses heightened in other ways that he hadn’t come across yet. ronnie’s hovering over him, a frown on his face and concern shining in his eyes. this is what being in love feels like, he realises. this is how it feels to be in love with another person. does he mind? no, far from it. just can’t help the way that the revelation startles him to the core. as if he hadn’t already known. as if it hadn’t been that way since he was thirteen, the new kid in school and ronnie taking pity on him when they met. a ‘h’ carved into his stomach, ronnie holding his hand and ben fighting back tears as eddie tried to help him. he thinks he fell for him then, as ronnie talked and talked in an attempt to stop him focusing on the pain that coursed through him as he was patched up. it’s still there, now. the letter barely visible, but ronnie’s thumb grazes over it and ben releases a breath that he didn’t realise he was holding. “yeah,” he murmurs, means it. he is okay. more than okay. “just– been a while, y’know?” the feel of someone else between his legs. the feel of it all. ben’s fingers moving, pressing into dark hair with one hand, curling over the back of his neck with the other. ben pulls him down, ignores that ronnie has to lean on his elbows to be this close. that his thigh starts to ache from being pressed back. he kisses him, slow. breathes. in, out. teeth graze his lower lip and ben laughs as he lets go, eases off. “i love you, ronnie. you know that?”