a sad rant for nobody to read
the past few years have gone so fast and so much has happened. ive changed so much and yet.. im still the same depressed child i always was. feels like i started to grow up and then i got all twisted up in myself and curled back down into childhood, but im a real life adult now. im writing this seemingly pointless shit down in a tumblr post because my head is so fucking clouded and knotted up that i need to see my thoughts clear and defined, to stop them looping around and around and trailing off and looping again..
im tryign to deal with things here that i cant talk to anyone about.. they stay in my matted brain and fester and they start to smell disgusting and maybe its real??? smells have been bothering me a lot lately. often, a super vague smell will remind me of years ago or even a few months ago, and it scares me. i dont think theyre real smells you know. i dissociate and stop moving and it scares me and i dont know why. in those moments i feel so fucking dead inside and even outside, i feel like a lingering curse or ghost thats not quite real.. there, but shouldnt be, everyone wonders, asks, laughs, ignores again. maybe thats why i keep dropping things.
and then theres the anger, frustration, pure hatred, jealously. where am i going with this? i want to rip my fucking face off like when i tried mushrooms for the first time. i have this intense rage deep inside me and i dont understand why. as a kid i wanted to really hurt my peers. i wanted to make them bleed and cry and regret ever underestimating me. i still do with some. as a kid i wanted to kill myself. age 6 is the youngest i remember the overwhelming feeling of ‘you shouldnt be here’ and age 10 is the age i rememer wanting to physically die. i miss cutting myself so much, i say that like its been more than a few weeks.. im so fucking sick of the same nightmares every single night. i cant fucking escape. fuck all makes me happy
i dont understand what im supposed to do. i really dont. nobody knows how to help me and i dont know either i just want to pull my brain out of my caved in skull and stamp on it.
why post this? confirmation of my existence????? maybe. maybe ill look back and be happy that im not like this anymore. or maybe ill look back and be terrified because i only seem to be getting worse by the day:(
