Bonnie seemed to balk under Rory's line of questioning, frowning across the table at him. She was hesitant to answer him, her choice of words half-hearted and thrown out in frustration rather than with any real truth to them. She also hadn’t entirely expected him to fixate on her phrasing. It wasn’t that she thought Rory was actually emotionally stunted, but he didn’t seem to get her. Sometimes, she wondered if he was only friends with her because Missy had taken such a surprising liking to her. Sure, Rory lived where she worked, so he kinda had no choice but to see her on a fairly regular basis, but she doubted that mattered all too much to him. If he wanted to ignore her, he would, and when she was being a bother he would tell her as much.
Sufficed to say, she didn’t think he was emotionally stunted, but she did think he didn’t overly care about romance or love or any of the things that Bonnie was so insecure about. More often than not she found her clashing with her friend – because he really did mean a lot to her, even if it wasn’t mutual – over their different approaches to life and love and relationships. Bonnie liked casual sex just as much as the next person, but she didn’t think it was all that unreasonable to want for more.
“No. I just think... You’re kinda oblivious sometimes,” she shrugged, explanation no doubt as confounding as her original statement. She doubted it would help Rory get a grasp on the situation much better, but it was all she had.
Bonnie crinkled her nose in his direction as she inhaled cigarette smoke, her lungs burning. Hadn’t the guy who just ditched her told her that asthma was an ick? Either Rory didn’t prescribe to the same beliefs, or he was proving himself as oblivious as she’d just declared him. Either way, the ache in her lungs was manageable for now and she still felt pretty garbage after Roger’s rude assessment of her, so she couldn’t be choosey about the company she was keeping.
“It’s not that I’m not happy,” she grumbled, suddenly feeling insecure. She didn’t like being under the microscope, her faults and insecurities being put to question.
She’d never thought of herself as unhappy in herself, despite her obvious failings. Ariadne, Maggie and Missy told her she was hot all the time, her younger siblings loved her with all their hearts, and Jenson and Sylvie made her feel like she’d won the friendship lottery. She had no right to be so self-deprecating all the time, yet with each failed date the crack in her heart seemed to splinter ever more.
“I dunno. I guess I just wanna feel like there’s someone out there who thinks I’m, like, worth the time,” she admitted, a lump forming in her throat.
She couldn’t cry in front of Rory – it would be too humiliating, and she was pretty sure he’d be booking it out of there faster than Roger if she did – but she suddenly felt that kind of bone-deep sadness that was so hard to snap out of. She cleared her throat, quickly dabbing at the corners of her eyes to stave off any unwanted tears.
“It’s whatever. Who cares, right? I mean, it’s not like it matters anyway. The New York dating scene is hot garbage and I’m never gonna be anyone’s type long-term or even for a little fun anyway!” As scathing as her words were to herself, she pitched her voice a little higher, forcing a wide smile onto her lips. Rory looked uncomfortable enough, she didn’t need to drag him through an impromptu therapy session.
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