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Remind me to stop looking up old crushes on LinkedIn.

But since I already did it, here are my findings:

- Guy I liked in 8th grade because he was the smartest boy in school and I was the smartest girl in school so I thought we would fit (def a comp het scenario): he’s a software engineer at Amazon and lives in Seattle. He also worked at the same company V works at, but based on the dates, V was still in grad school, so I doubt they know each other. Although he did have several internships there so who knows. That’d be weird.

- Girl I liked my first year of college because she was “the most beautiful person I’d ever seen” (see old posts from 2011. Actually don’t, it’s embarrassing): she works for Squarespace and lives in Brooklyn. She’s still very pretty, although she doesn’t have pink hair anymore.

- Guy I liked my second year of college (I’m not sure if I mentioned him much because of the shit with V, but he was in my friend group and over the summer he got really hot.): he’s in his residency, which is really cool. Ophthalmology. Lowkey, when I briefly considered trying to be premed before I realized I was terrible at chemistry, that was one of the specialities I was interested in. And he also lives in Seattle.

- Girl from my German studies program (aka the last time I actively tried to make a new friend): she’s a German language instructor now, which is really cool. And apparently taught English in Germany for a couple years before grad school. She lives in Georgia. And has a pride flag in her header. But it’s the one that had the rainbow, trans pride colors, and the amendment for folks of color, so she might just be an ally. Honestly we never got close enough in college for me to ask.

- Girl I met at my best friend’s rehearsal dinner (completely straight and we didn’t keep in touch. My best friend found it hilarious because she has so many queer friends she has offered to set me up with and I liked her only straight friend): she’s a RD now. When we met she was still in grad school, so good for her. And she’s still in DC.

Why am I sharing all this? Idk. Looking at people’s LinkedIn pages kinda depresses me. Because it seems like so many folks I used to know actually followed their chosen career paths from college and I work at a fucking brokerage firm. I’m turning 30 this year and my life still sucks.

Also I think the fact that I haven’t tried to make any deep connections with someone that isn’t a blood relative since I was 25 worries me greatly. Although to be fair, I tried to revive two previous friendships when I was 27 and both of those failed. Like one of my coworker appears to be trying to at least be my work friend and I feel so bad that I really don’t know how to reciprocate the energy. I am so out of practice and I was never good at it anyway. At least with family, they tend to overlook any awkwardness. Plus they already kinda love you out of obligation and know some of your traumas. But yeah, now that I’m not near any family and only have one friend who I since once every couple of years at this point, my loneliness is deeply affecting me. Like I actually considered dating to try to fix it. Fuck I’m getting desperate.

God I need to join a book club or something.

#back down memory lane #I have no idea what else to tag this as

Damn Twitter might actually crash soon.

Let me try using this site again

29

Not much to say. My mom flew into town so I wouldn’t spend my birthday alone. And I started Lexapro again on Tuesday. I’m not doing great mentally but for some reason I’m optimistic.

I used to think I would be dead by 29 and here I am. So that must count for something.

Do you ever get lonely and google your best friend from your first two years of college to see how he’s doing because it’s been six years since you last spoke to each other and that last time was very awkward because you both realized you had drifted apart and would never see each other again?

And as if that wasn’t painful enough, do you then google another friend who you had a brief crush on, but never really got a chance to fully develop feelings for because you were too busy flunking out of college and being in a toxic, codependent friendship with a man you never loved you?

Or are you fucking normal?

(Want another unhealthy thought: what are the odds any of those people have thought about me once in the last several years 🙃)

#I think about uchicago folks way too much when I’m lonely #I think it’s because it was the last time I actively made friends #god who knew I’d peak socially at 19 #back down memory lane

Oops forgot I had this.

Well, here are some updates:

1. I quit my job back in February

2. Moved to Colorado for my new job in April

3. I make a lot more money now, but the void in my life still persists. I think I’ll start going back to therapy

4. Because I moved to a new state by myself, I’m almost overwhelmed by the loneliness. I kinda knew this would happen, but it still sucks.

5. I don’t really like my new job. It’s a million times less stressful than my old one, but still just as emotionally unfulfilling. Working in the financial services industry was a mistake.

6. Had my first session for my leg tattoo back in May. I love it and now I’m trying to plan for what the next tattoo I should get. I’m debating between starting on the other half of my leg or decide what i want for a back piece. Is it strange how much body euphoria getting tattooed gives me? Like I’m tempted to get a tattoo on all the parts of my body I hate just so I can feel happy when I look at myself. Eh, it’s a quicker option than getting therapy. Like I never thought I would want to be heavily tattooed but like I get it now.

7. Still not drinking. Which kinda put a damper on my Pride plans. There was a drag show I considered going to tonight, but it’s obviously at a bar and the idea of being at a bar by myself just raises my anxiety.

That’s about it for updates. It’s Father’s Day and lowkey I’m annoyed about it. Having a complicated relationship with your dad is exhausting. I ordered a copy of my medical records for when I was in college and just reading my old psychiatrist’s notes about how I was feeling back then made me a bit mad at my dad all over again. Like he never apologized for any of that shit and I just have to let it go.

I don’t know what made me want to update Tumblr about everything.

#this has been an update

When your coworkers and senior manager gang up on you during a conference call and make you burst into tears 🙃

#I hate my fucking job

lovestereo

Visit Original Link

#guess what day it is #sometimes I think Yoongi is the only one who understands me #happy birthday to me #rec

I found out that A, my old college roommate from 2014 that I had a brief crush on, got married in 2019. I found her wedding website. So that makes this the second woman I had a crush on in college to have gotten married. Weird.

Also I’m glad I got out of my crushing on straight women phase. Now I just like no one ever.

Since I’m turning 28 this year, my mother has become increasingly concerned that I’m not in a relationship and therefore not on track to have babies. For a woman who was pretty ambivalent to having kids in the first place, she’s pretty insistent on grandchildren. Like before the pandemic, she offered to pay to freeze my eggs. And before she had a hysterectomy, she genuinely agreed to be my surrogate.

I do want kids. Honestly if I could afford it, I would just take my aunt’s advice and get pregnant by some random dude and just raise the kid myself. Dating at this point is literally just me trying to find a decent co-parent. It’s not that I don’t want a real romantic relationship, it’s just I’ve been single for this long that I almost rather not bother. What would I gain from a romantic relationship that I couldn’t gain from just getting more friends? Like sex isn’t really a priority for me either otherwise I would have tried harder to have it. Plus I feel too insecure to be naked in front of someone.

I find it all a bit stifling. Like even being in a relationship with a woman, which has been my long term goal for the last five years, seems stifling now. And being with a man long term for anything more than sex just seems like settling for mediocrity. Not that fulfilling relationships with men don’t exist, I just know myself and my bad taste in men.

I’m lonely as fuck though. I feel like I put in effort to find someone, it would not be worth it and I would be disappointed. This is a rare moment I appreciate that I currently hate my body because now I don’t feel really tempted to even make an attempt. Is this a healthy mindset to have? Oh course not. But in my defense, the few times in my adult life I was okay with how I looked, I wasn’t trying to date then either. Granted it was because I was either depressed or hung up on that one guy.

I wonder if I’m missing out on something.

I feel like I’m too old to be still worried about my parents’ opinion of me.

Like I’m wearing dark green eyeshadow today because why not, but I’m debating taking it off before FaceTiming my mom after work because I don’t want her to say anything rude about it and there’s a good chance she will.

I’m 27, so it’s not unheard of for my parents to still make me feel insecure. But I don’t live in their house and they don’t pay any of my bills. It’s like I’m still in abused kid mindset where I’m afraid any little thing will set them off. But in this case, I don’t want to be teased for trying to feel pretty. It’s kinda pathetic.

Living next to the pool in my apartment complex during the summer time in Arizona was a mistake.

#can the children go back to school already? yes they’ve only been out for like a week but I’m already tired #no wonder this apartment was so affordable compared to the others. well that and my kitchen is tiny.

Closure is a myth.

Also, I don’t think I ever wanted closure, I just wanted him to fix it. To somehow undo every time he hurt me and disappointed me and abandoned me.

But bringing him back into my life won’t undo all that. We can’t have a clean slate because I can’t forgive him for what he did. At least, not now. Funny thing is that he’s not even seeking forgiveness. I’m not sure if he’s just not aware, he never cared, or if he just assumes that enough time has passed and that I’m over it.

Part of me is so resentful that I just want to make his life hell. Like he fucked up my misplaced happiness for years, why can’t I fuck up his life periodically? He deserves to feel guilty about this. But I don’t think he does.

To be honest, his guilt might make me pity him. That’s what happened the last time I called him out. Maybe it would just make me angry. Or I could just get sucked back into it. I don’t think any constructive would come out it, which makes it useless.

God, I want to feel something.

#v

You know, putting on eyeshadow is pretty fun. Especially since I know I will be taking it off in like 2 hours and no one will see me in it.

Maybe if I were better at it I’d want to be seen by others. But at the moment it’s just pure fun. It gives me the same feeling doing my nails initially gave: like I’m treating myself.

roteslicht

I started following one of my old friends from Chicago on Instagram and now I feel conflicted about it. She’s like a multimedia art critic now and she travels the world for her job and does a lot of interesting shit. And she has a cat. Idk, it looks like she’s following her dreams.

And that reminds me of two of my other Chicago friends who were pre med and are now post residency and doing cool stuff in their hometowns.

And I work at a bank in a job that I hate that barely pays the bills because 1)my employer does not pay me enough and 2) I have so much debt from a degree I’m not using and a master’s degree I will never finish.

I don’t think about it much anymore, but sometimes I am mad at myself for having my mental illnesses ruin my dreams. And I’m disappointed that I haven’t found a new dream yet.

Like remember when my dream was to have a family? Ha, except I’ll be 28 in 5 months and I’ve never been on a date. And I cannot afford to have a child. Like even if I could get pregnant easily, it’s still too expensive. While contrary to popular belief, I think I would make a decent parent in the long run, I think forcing a defenseless child to be stuck with me everyday for like 18 years is a bit cruel.

Maybe my dream could be learning to like myself. But honestly, it took me 27 years to stop hating myself and I think this is the best I’m going to get.

I wish I could afford therapy. I need to talk to someone about this.

Is there a point to this? Not really. But my plans to get a tattoo have been dashed because I have use the last bit of my tax refund/stimulus on my car insurance and undeserved damage fees from my old apartment that I can’t contest because I forgot to take photos when I moved out 🙃

On the bright side, I might finally get purple hair. It’ll be as braids, but that’s good enough for me.

roteslicht

Okay I’ll give y’all a small update: I had a delayed “mild” allergic reaction to the Moderna vaccine. It’s not too bad and I can still get the second dose, but my left arm has been inflamed since last Wednesday and it still itches. And it still kinda hurts. And since my original tattoo idea has been compromised because I no longer have the money for it, my back up idea was just a simple script tattoo, but it was going to be on my left arm. So I guess I can either wait or just get it on my right arm.