Morale around the office is low after several horrible cases back to back in the span of two weeks
Strauss forces the whole unit to take a few days off because of it
No one is happy about it though
Penelope pitches an idea for everyone to write down where they want to go and to decide, Hotch will draw an idea out of a hat
(He agrees only because he knows the team needs a break)
The first idea he pulls out is a strip club
He looks Emily dead in the eyes as he tosses out the paper
(she pouts because going to a strip club is definitely going to boost her morale so she really doesn’t see why Hotch is so pressed about her contribution)
The next paper Hotch pulls is the zoo
And because everyone knows the person that suggested it is Penelope, they all agree to head off to the National Zoo
Hotch and JJ are very well aware of the chaos that ensues when taking children to a zoo and premptively take Advil to deal with the inevitable headaches that will come from taking this group of federal agents children to the zoo
She makes the “ps-ps-ps” noise to the tiger and is very smug when the giant cat comes right up to the glass
She turns to brag to Morgan about how she gets all the puss
JJ whacks her on the head with a rolled up map because there are children nearby, for godsake!
Emily gets chased around the aviary by a giant fucking bird, screaming and running around in frantic circles as it dives at her
JJ sighs off in the corner, pinching the bridge of her nose because she warned Emily about antagonizing the birds
Spencer mainly just stays silent the whole time, looking in awe at the animals
Derek keeps buying him $10 cotton candy and by the time the team are halfway through the zoo, Spencer is on the biggest sugar high of his life
He wants to pet the hippopotamus and nearly bursts into tears when Hotch tells him that he can’t because they’re too dangerous
He cries when he sees the pandas because they’re so cute
Derek seems bored but really he’s fascinated by the big cats and bears
He is not amused when the tiger comes bounding up to the glass when Emily calls it over (that is one of nature’s most fierce predators, not a damn house cat!)
When Hotch isn’t looking, he buys Spencer all sorts of sweets because it makes pretty boy happy
Rossi sits back and lets JJ and Hotch play parents for the day, enjoying himself as much as he can
He definitely encourages Emily to mess with the giant bird in the aviary
(In his defense, he didn’t think it would go after her so intensely, but his side hurts from laughing so hard watching her, so he doesn’t really care)
Mostly sits at the benches and watches people instead of the animals
Hotch becomes a mega dad™️
He attempts to set up a schedule for the team to follow (they don’t, of course)
His head is stuck in the map 80% of the time
Everytime he looks up, Spencer has some sort of sugary treat in his hands (seriously, who the hell keeps giving this kid more sugar???)
He tries to implement a ban on buying Spencer anymore treats but when he looks up from his map once more, the little shit has an ice cream cone
Ignores Emily’s shit for his own sanity
JJ really does try to enjoy herself
Her main focus is just making sure Emily doesn’t somehow wander into the grizzly bear enclosure or fight the sharks in the aquarium
She becomes annoyed halfway through the day and is enjoying herself significantly less because of Emily’s antics
Emily immediately becomes more serious and calms down because she feels really bad
(Near the flamingos, Emily grabs her hand as an apology and they enjoy looking at the animals with each other)
JJ enjoys the zoo trip a lot more after that
(it’s only a bonus that Emily never lets go of her hand after initially grabbing it)
Penelope is absolutely beside herself
She’s so excited to be here!!! All the animals are so stinking cute!!!!
There’s several volunteers around that have education animals at various spots in the zoo
And Penelope pets each and every single one
Including the giant tegu on a harness (his cheeks are so chubby!! his leash is rainbow!! he’s adorable!!)
She’s also the only person on the team brave enough to hold a massive 8ft jungle carpet python
She thinks the snake is adorable!!! (he has a puppy face!!)
She also holds a baby panda and cries when it plays with her hair because it’s just too cute
Spencer’s favorite animals are the giraffes
(It may or may not be because he gets to feed them and pet them)
Derek’s favorite animal is the polar bear or the rhino
Rossi has a fondness for the aquarium
If it were up to him, they would stay in the aquarium the whole day and he’d be happy
There’s a space people can stick their hand into the enclosure and hold hands with an otter!!!!
(She’s the only one that catches Rossi holding hands with one when he thinks no one is looking and swears herself to secrecy)
Emily loves the snow leopard and the tiger (obviously)
They’re the only big cats that respond to her “ps-ps-ps” like Sergio would
Hotch won’t admit it, but he likes the sun bears and the elephants
Penelope loves all the animals
There’s no competition for her
When they leave, they all get something at the gift shop
Derek gets Spencer a stuffed giraffe
Emily gets JJ a stuffed otter
JJ gets stuffed animals for her boys (an alligator for Henry and a lion for Michael)
[Emily pays for them despite her protests]
Penelope gets a fossil necklace and a geode
Hotch gets Jack a book on reptiles
Rossi gets a bear statue for his office
Just as they’re loading up in the van to go back to the office, Spencer’s jacket squaks
Hotch: hey, Reid, what do you got there?
Spencer hugs his jacket closer to his body, bringing up a straw to his lips
A smoothie is his innocent reply, but then his jacket squaks again and out pops a fucking penguin
Like a real, breathing, actual honest to god penguin
Hotch takes it back inside quickly, not even bothering to question how the hell Spencer acquired a penguin to begin with
Emily calls out from the back that none of this would have happened if they had just gone to the strip club in the first place
Emily is suspended for a day
Then Hotch bans the zoo as a destination for the team’s outings
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