“It’s a beautiful day to stay inside.”
“Daddy made you your favorite, open wide.”
“The world is so fucked up.”
“There’s only one thing I can do about it…while being paid.”
“Should I be joking at a time like this?”
“Don’t panic, call me.”
“Should I stop trying to be funny?”
“Should I give away my money? NO.”
“I’m a special kind of guy.”
“I self reflected and I want to be an agent of change.”
“So I am going to use my privilige for the good.”
“So maybe I should just shut the fuck up.”
“I don’t wanna do that.”
“I’m ___ and I’m here to save the day.”
“And yes they’ll pay me, but I’d do it for free.”
“I’m healing the world with comedy.”
“If you start to smell burning toast, you’re having a stroke or you’re overcooking your toast.”
“Somebody help me out, ‘cause I don’t know.”
“And I want to help to leave this world better than I found it.”
“Welcome to whatever this is.”
“Trying to distract myself from putting a bullet into my head with a gun.”
“Pour me a drink and clear my schedule.”
“These 40 minutes are essential.”
“Say hi to dad.”
“And that’s the deepest talk we’ve ever had.”
“Today we’re gonna learn about the world.”
“I’ve been in a frightening liminal space between states of being. Not quite dead, not quite alive.”
“It’s similar to a constant state of sleep paralysis.”
“The simple narrative taught in every history class is demonstrably false and pedagogically classist.”
“Don’t you know the world is built with blood and genocide and exploitation?”
“Private property’s inherently theft.”
“Every politician, every cop on the street protects the interests of the pedophilic corporate elite.”
“Just don’t burden me with the responsibility of educating you, it’s exhausting.”
“I’m sorry, I was just trying to become a better person.”
“Why do rich people insist on seeing every socio-political conflict through the myopic lens of your own self-actualization?”
“This isn’t about you. So either get with it, or get out of the fucking way.”
“Have you not been fucking listening?”
“I can’t go…I can’t go back. I’m sorry.”
“Are you going to behave yourself?”
“Yes. Yes Sir…”
“I learned my lesson and it hurt.”
“I come in and I put their fears to rest.”
“Tell them you’re against racism – in theory.”
“Will you support us in the fight against lyme disease?”
“There’s no sugarcoating it, the world is fucked up.”
“An avocado, a poem written in the sand…”
“Is this heaven or is it just a white woman’s instagram?”
“It’s been a decade since you’ve been gone.”
“Your little girl didn’t do too bad.”
“Is that…is that necessary?”
“Can anyone, any single one of you, just shut the fuck up? Just about any single thing? For an hour? Is that possible?”
“Who needs a coffee 'cause I’m doing a run?”
“I’m an unpaid intern.”
“And since you can’t afford a mortgage, you just torrent a porn.”
“If you had told me this a year ago, I would’ve said 'Interesting, now leave me alone.’”
“Look, I’m confused. I’m very, very confused.”
“Oh, if I’m self-aware that I’m a douchebag, it’ll make me less of a douchebag.”
“Am I balding?”
“This is really, really disturbing.”
“Amateurs can fucking suck it.”
“Fuck their wives, drink their blood!”
“A handful of bug-eyed salamanders in silicon valley…”
“Maybe that as a way of life, forever, maybe that’s um…not good.”
“I’m…horny.”
“It isn’t sex it’s the next best thing.”
“Tonight I’m thinking of taking it slow.”
“We’ll use emojis only.”
“We don’t need phonetical diction.”
“We’ll talk dirty like we’re ancient Egyptians.”
“What if now you think that I’m implying your vagina is as big as a Ferris wheel?”
“Crisis averted, thank god.”
“They made the internet for nights like this.”
“I love you, baby. Send a picture of your tits, please.”
“Jesus fucking Christ I guess I never learn.”
“My phone’s flash is my only light and the flash makes my dick look frightened.”
“I chicken out and send a picture of my face instead.”
“My dick looks like the baby from eraserhead.”
“So I send it to you and then my phone dies.”
“One hand on my dick and one hand on my phone.”
“Another night on my phone, yeah.”
“I’m not feeling good.”
“All my clothes are dirty.”
“What’s up you useless fuck?”
“I haven’t had a shower in the last nine days.”
“I’m not really feeling like I wanna get lit.”
“My current mental health is rapidly approaching an all time low.”
“Yeah, so um, yeah, not doing so great.”
“Do I really have to finish?”
“Do returns always diminish?”
“Did I say that right?”
“I wrote offensive shit and I said it.”
“Times are changing and I’m getting old.”
“My bed is empty and I’m getting cold.”
“I’m problematic.”
“He’s a problem.”
“Are you gonna hold me accountable?”
“I’m gonna go home and burn it.”
“I’ve been totally awful.”
“And I’m really fucking sorry.”
“Bitch I’m trying to listen.”
“Well that’s fine, you radiate such youth.”
“Yay.”
“Nooooooo!”
“God…goddammit.”
“Oh yeah? Well your fucking phones are poisoning your minds, okay?”
“So when you develop a dissociative mental disorder in your twenties, don’t come crawling back to me.”
“My stupid friends are having stupid children.”
“I’ll be 40 and kill myself then.”
“I just want to say for the record, um, that I do not want to kill myself, okay?”
“Can you not, please?”
“There are people that love y–I mean, that’s not true, necessarily, but there could be.”
“Are you tired of it? Never mind, I don’t want to know.”
“Welcome to the internet.”
“There’s no need to panic.”
“Don’t act surprised, you know you like it, you whore.”
“Apathy’s a tragedy and boredom is a crime.”
“And that has made me completely freak out.”
“So, yeah, who fucking cares?”
“Is it just me or do pirates need to take better care of their fucking maps?”