Issue #3 – How to Behave Like a Normal Human Being When Riding Public Transit
Thus far, we’ve covered why you shouldn’t be the douchebag on the bus who is yelling into his cell phone about his stock options, or the irritating lady who is clipping her fingernails (or, god forbid, toenails), or the asshat who opens up a container of stench-o-rific Dorito curry. Now it’s time to discuss non-noise, non-hygiene-related actions and activities. Most of this boils down to: Be aware of your physical location in space relative to others. This isn’t just a problem on public transit. A quick walk through a college campus, downtown area, or shopping mall will provide numerous examples of a complete lack of awareness of others. But it’s a bigger problem on public transit, because we’re all trapped in a confined area with other people.
1. Let’s start with the absolute basic rule, which should be a no-brainer but sadly is not. If a handicapped, elderly, or visibly pregnant person needs a seat, give up your seat! At the very least, offer to give up your seat! When I rode the DC metro, I lost count of the number of times able-bodied men buried their heads in their copies of the Washington Post or Wall Street Journal while some 90-year-old lady with an oxygen tank was left standing in the aisle. I’d offer my seat and then resort to glaring at the nearest guy in a business suit, who was obviously an embarrassment to his mother, who probably tried to raise him correctly and no doubt told him to give up his seat to little old ladies and people with no legs.
2. On a related note, if you choose to sit in the seats that are reserved for handicapped and elderly riders, and the driver asks you to move so that a handicapped or elderly person can sit down (or a wheelchair can board the bus), don’t complain. Just move. This is especially true if other seats were available when you boarded and you went out of your way to sit in the reserved seats.
3. Seat etiquette is very important! There are numerous issues involved in seat etiquette, but here are a few choice selections (these mostly apply to buses and trains that have two-seater rows):
a. If there are empty rows available, don’t sit directly next to someone. Why would you do that? It’s weird and it makes the rest of us think you’re up to no good.
b. If you’re in the aisle seat and entire rows open up, move to your own row. Don’t keep the person next to you trapped.
c. Do not occupy the aisle seat of an empty two-person row, especially at rush hour. No one wants to crawl over top of you to get to the window seat.
d. Don’t be a seat hog. If it’s rush hour, you’re not going to have both seats to yourself anyway, so it’s no use pretending that your briefcase is so special that it requires its own seat. Are you carrying the nuclear briefcase for POTUS? No, you’re carrying boring work files and your empty lunch sack. Put it on the floor.
e. See that crease in the middle of the two seats? Think of it as the Berlin Wall, or the border between North and South Korea, or the rope that separate screaming 12-year-old girls from Justin Bieber. Don’t cross it without permission.
4. If you’re one of those people who like to talk to strangers on public transit, try not being one of those people. Alternately, pay attention to the other person’s body language and don’t insist on conversing with them if they’re obviously not interested. Hint: reading a book and/or listening to (or pretending to listen to) music = not interested in chatting with you.
5. Hey, whatcha reading/watching/typing on your laptop? No. Buy your own newspaper, bring your own Kindle, and type your own stuff. (A note to lawyers who are too stupid to realize it: People can and will read your court briefs over your shoulder. Some of those people might be opposing counsel, especially if you’re on the DC metro. Keep your privileged materials privileged, which means don’t show them off in crowded public places.)
6. You’re on public transit, not in a gym. No pull-ups, chin-ups, or stripperobics routines on the poles. The poles are there for people to hold onto so they don’t fall over when the vehicle moves.
7. Speaking of poles…hold onto them so you don’t fall over when the vehicle moves. Other passengers don’t appreciate it when you go crashing into them just because you overestimated your balancing abilities.
8. Also speaking of poles…just hold them. Like, with one hand. Don’t wrap your entire body around the pole as though it’s your metallic lover.
9. If you’re wearing a backpack (and I do, because I have a lot of crap to carry), be aware of how far it sticks out behind you. Don’t whack people with it. If you’re unsure, just take it off and carry it onto the bus or train and then stow it properly at your feet. Last week, some lady managed to whack the hell out of my head with her bag. I don’t know how she managed it, as I was sitting in a window seat, but she did. It was unpleasant.
10. Men, pretend you are gentlemen. Don’t stare at women; it’s creepy. Don’t hit on women; we’re here to commute to and from the office, not pick up dates.
11. Learn how to properly board your public transit vehicle. It’s common courtesy to let riders exit before you board.
12. Learn how to properly exit your public transit vehicle. This is especially important on buses. When the bus reaches the end of the line, disembark the same way you would on an airplane. The people in front of you get to go first.
