Rubbertoe Mankini

A collection of the greatest football jokes never told.

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That is a bit rude...

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Maybe Sir Alex isn't stepping down just yet...

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In the wake of Luis Suarez's latest controversy, the FA have announced that the player must wear a new protective mask henceforth...

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Without a doubt the best joke combining Kircaldy based football teams, Scottish league reconstruction and Star Wars that you are likely to see all day!

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About that Monkey in Ikea...

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Found this in the first window of my advent calender…

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From the wonderful www.thegrambler.com

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"Holy transfer requests Batman!"

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I have started a new venture for the forthcoming football season.... The Grambler! 

Basically I have realised that my record when it comes to predicting football results is woeful. So this season I shall be entrusting my accumulators to a spreadsheet containing a few random number generators.  I obviously stand to make millions from this, but I shall also be putting a bet on each week for the Bobby Moore Fund for Bowel Cancer Research.   Have a look at the link above and join us on Facebook for regular updates and to find out if random chance can defeat actual knowledge of football!

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The England, sorry, Great Britain men’s football team kick off their Olympics campaign tomorrow and let’s face it, with the young talent that Brazil and Spain have at their disposal, surely GB have no chance of winning that shiny gold medal, coveted by every athlete in the world (except footballers)? Meanwhile the England, sorry, Great Britain women’s team got the ball rolling with with a 1-0 win today against New Zealand.  Is there any chance that they could go on to win the tournament?  My vote goes to Ms Powell and her team anyway.

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There has not been a lot happening in the wonderful word of football of late, but with the Olympics looming things could start to pick up.  It is going to be an especially busy period for one man who has accepted a new job offer...

The Smiths have finally agreed to a multi-million pound offer to reform and tour, but not all of the members were keen to accept.  Thus, they have nae Marr.

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There is a rumour doing the rounds today that Charles Green has given up all hope of his newco Rangers team playing in the SPL or Scottish Leagues.  However, he insists that he still owns the players via contracts transferred from the oldco.

In order to make some money from his (rather odd) business plan, he has decided to employ the staff in a remake of his favourite kids TV show... The Mighty Moneyless Power Rangers! 

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John Terry's defence

With the John Terry race trial now under-way, all eyes will be on the Chelsea skipper's legal team to see if they can excuse the inexcusable.  

I have managed to get a sneak preview of the slideshow they intend to use as their main line of defence…  (P.S. If you came here for your chance to win an attractive carriage clock, I lied.) 

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Not one of my best gags but it made it into The Gallery in the Guardian's football section so thought I'd stick it on here too. This is my lasting memory from Euro 2012: Joe Hart's off-putting tactics during the penalty shoot-out defeat to Italy. 

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Well here it is then...

The final fantastic Euro 2012 joke.  Bring on the final!

What do you call an Italian striker who is suffering from sadness,  anxiety and fatigue as a result of a form of clinical depression following childbirth?

Antonio Di Post-Natale Depression! 

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All good things must come to an end as they say and tonight an enjoyable European championships will wind-up.  Here's hoping for one last exhilarating match to conclude a tournament which has had it's share of great goals, considerable controversy and scintillating solo performances.

As it is the final, it would be rude not to celebrate both teams through the medium of intentionally bad joke.  Spain will kick things off...

What do you call a Spaniard whose preferred method of transport is a car with a dynamic shape and sophisticated interior that has won numerous design awards, with a wealth of innovative technology and substance to match its trademark style?

Andrés in a Fiesta!  

An equally wonderful joke involving one of Italy's stars to follow...

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Everyone seems to be talking about it.  Not sure why, the thought of erotic fiction involving Andy Gray scares me...