Astigmatism

There is smoke in my eyes.

[ruby-rd]

CALM THE FUCK DOWN

In the hopes of clearing out my head and getting myself to calm down and focus, I am going to appear again in this safe space. 

So I’ve lost control over my engagements the past few weeks. The burning fire inside has died down, replaced by a looming fear that “nothing will ever be done the way it’s supposed to be done”. I have lost control - I don’t know how this thing will go and whenever I find myself in this situation, I have always gone for the inefficient route of re-doing everything. I still think that I can whip everything into place (but with an extended timeline); I just don’t know if I have the energy.

I am so tempted to whip my teammates into how I want everything done. Quesejoda if they are not comfortable being alone at an unfamiliar place, quesejoda if they will resent me. I just want everything done and finished, now. I just need to have that realization that I can do things my way. 

FUCK. FUCK. FUFUFUFUFUFUFUFUFUFUFUFUFUFUFDFUDSIFJDSIFJDSIFJDSFDSFDSJFIDSFJDSFJDSIFJDSIFDSJFSIFJDSIFJDSIFJDSIFJDSFSJFDSKFDSKFJDS

FUCK CALM DOWN AND BE AGGRESSIVE. 

[ruby-rd]

You work crazy hours and I sleep in crazy cycles. Good thing we're crazy for each other.

[ruby-rd]

Of all things I was sure of, I was most certain that I would always have your support. It hit me that in all my life, this the first time you refuse to support me Mama. And just then all other- divine intervention, law of attraction, grace of God- appear fleeting and wavering. I allowed myself to be brave because I had you and then now I think I don’t anymore.

Fighting you to stay is why I need to stay because it tells me that this is where I have to be. This is where I need to ground and muddy my feet, where I need to stand. This phase in my life is for me to overcome as a person and for you to overcome as a parent. I love you all the way there to Zamboanga but I need to stand here. Good night, Mama.

[ruby-rd]

Guidelines for Christmastime Reflection

I choose not to feel guilty about this kasi sa tingin ko kelangan ko ito. Hindi ako pagod. Frustrated ako and I feel out of place. Spoiled ako sa aspeto ng buhay na hindi ako sanay na nalilimitahan ng rules or nadidiktahan ng social conventions. Kelangan kong maunawaan kung dito pa nga ba ako dapat mag-stay o kung dapat na akong umalis. Gaano ba ka-importante na makaalis ka ng audit firm na naging team lead ka? Ikasasaya ko ba yun? Mas takot ba ako o mas excited sa prospect na yon? Deserved ko ba? Ma-deserve ko ba? Gusto ko pa bang mag-work para sa firm na ito? Gusto ko pa bang mag-internal audit? Bakit? Kung hindi, san ako pupunta? Kung oo, ano ang pwede kong i-commit para maging mahusay? Kaya ko bang maging patient sa sarili ko?

[ruby-rd]

Smooth papers

I want a friend and a mystery. Someone I'll recognize by the way he folds his sleeves or by the temperature at the base of his neck. Someone I'll always bring into a conversation in words, silence, soft touches. Someone I'll admire and respect and trust and know but who will remain a curiosity, to learn about and to learn from.

[ruby-rd]

Stop reminding or telling people that I'm a debater. It just pains me that that's the only remarkable thing about me. I'm the "debater". Honestly, I won't argue unless I'm confident I have a shot at winning. Just guide me as to how I can learn, how I can improve. Tell it to me straight. But, please, alone.

[ruby-rd]

I just can't snap into the mood for small talk and chit-chat. I won't be converted and I'm unapologetic.

[ruby-rd]

Sebaek is so sexual; rabbits are morbidly threatened.

[ruby-rd]

Nothing heals skin burnt by insecurity. Graft new skin around the gasping heart.

[ruby-rd]

Choose to be brave, always.

[ruby-rd]

Aalis

Natuyo na ang batis Nawalan ng kinang Sa ilalaim ng masidhing tanghali Sana'y makalipad Ang dalag sa hangin Kung hindi ay magpumiglas Huminga ka Ikaw ay pupunta ng karagatan

[ruby-rd]

beautiful things are hard to come by

[ruby-rd]

It would be wonderful to be your child's OTP :)

[ruby-rd]

Unbooked

It took me a year and an existential crisis to make me remember that life hasn't, shouldn't be this way. I should travel. I should only do and pursue things that make me happy.

[ruby-rd]

People passing by

It saddens me to think of the temporariness of the new people in my life right now. But it only seems so realistic that it can only be the truth. I've always been the negligent friend. I don't do well with distance and fare in detachment. Yet, dawning on this deep and sad truth, I couldn't help think of the friends I still have and cherish and of the friends I neglected. These people had or have a huge imprint in my life and yet I allowed myself to lose them. It's pitiful that I've just let great friends pass me by.

[ruby-rd]

You're only 23

A year on earth is but a fleeting moment in the chase for a fulfilled life. The length and worth of your time are measured not by how far you've come professionally, financially, or academically. True value of time lies in the spiritual gift of having spent it well. Pursue a passion. Lead a life which excites you, which allows you to see your future. If you're constantly - or at least frequently - thinking about another you, about leading another life... It's time you listen to yourself. No other opinion will completely matter in the end. Do whatever makes you a fulfilled person. A sense of fulfillment is what we are trying to find. You won't find it in the thankfulness of a good pay. You won't find it in the safe company of friends. You won't find it in a career you're not happy with. Be brave enough and owe up your strengths. Capitalize on your strong suit of skills. Take advantage of your interests. If you should, fake it until you wouldn't have to. If you should break, break yourself. If you should fall, calculate how high and how hard. Take a risk in your aspirations. Trust a little more in you. Stop second-guessing yourself. Man up, Ruby. You're only 23. You are young enough to start over. This is not the ocean at the end of the road. You've been merely driving in the wrong one. Turn around. Take that exit point. Be brave, you're only ever meant to do well.

[ruby-rd]

Aim that today shall be the last day that you will have to say you're sorry.