Vent post. TW for mention of self-harm and suicidal ideation
Life has really been life-ing again lately. I just finished my first year of uni, and w relatively good marks, but it just doesn't feel enough. The amount of money I'm making my mum spend is actually insane. She regularly tells me to not feel guilty abt it, but proceeds to spend hours complaining abt how hard the financial struggle is, I don't even blame her for it. It's just me and her, it always has been. We get help from my gran, but on her pensioners pay there really isn't much she can do.
I've been having a lot of thoughts of suicide again lately, and the insane urge to harm myself, so I'm smoking like a chimney and drinking more than I should. This insane pressure from myself to perform well in an attempt to get a scholarship is weighing on me. I probably won't get a scholarship regardless of how hard I try since I regularly don't meet the criteria to even apply.
I know it's not true, but I've almost convinced myself that life would be so much easier for everyone if I was simply out of the picture. I don't have anyone I'd really consider my friend aside from my partner. A lot of people I know and will always show kindness and compassion to, but friends? Not really.
I'm not easy to be around, being autistic makes it hard. I even find myself off-putting. Not for any particular reason, but I can tell that a lot of people, even those who regularly engage w me, get annoyed w me. I'm not good at holding conversations, I miss the point too often, jokes fly over my head.
This image was originally supposed to contain my persona, rather than fursona. But I had so many issues w drawing human features, I eventually just gave up, which is making me doubt all my artistic ability. Am I actually good at anything? Will I ever excel at anything?
I just wish I could be a normal person. These thoughts are coming more often as time goes on, especially now that I can't throw myself at assignments and ignore everything. It's probably time to go back to therapy, maybe get my meds adjusted.
Thanks for reading stranger. If anyone ever reads this.
Note: I'll probably work more on this piece and post it then. It's 11pm rn and I don't have the energy to attempt shading right now haha
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