For Women, by a Woman who gets it

Run2YaMama is an advice blog and community for women who have grown up without their mothers, whatever the reason. Absent fathers are always discussed, but never absent mothers - this is because it is just a given that women are 'nurturing caregivers'. There are conversations to be had, advice and knowledge to be shared.      For advice drop me a message or email [email protected] and please follow me on Twitter @Run2YaMama

[run2yamama]

I am so much more than what my mum did to me, I am so much more than the child she left behind and I know this - so I guess this is just my battle to remind myself and reconfigure myself every single day, no big deal right? It’s not something I am knowingly doing, it’s just there - a whisper in the background as I’m getting on with my life that says “psssst your mums alive somewhere and she left you”

It’s not getting easier, despite all the empathy I manage to muster up for her - because leaving your child behind whatever the reason, is not something easily done or lightly done. Yes the act itself felt like it, she left me at my dad’s doorstep in my pink coat like it was nothing, but I know it was everything - whatever that looked like for her. We’re 22 years in now, and it’s a waiting game - I am just waiting for the call to come one day to tell me that she isn’t well or is dying or has died, will I go to her then? I don’t know. I can’t grieve whilst she’s still here somewhere. I can’t move on mentally even though my life and body keeps moving on.

I see how safe my daughter feels with me, I feel and see how much she needs me - so yes, the gravity of what my mum did in leaving me is no light freight. The act itself was so cruel. I never said goodbye, I didn’t know it was goodbye.

On another day, where the load doesn’t feel so heavy to carry, i might feel for empathy for her - but not today.

Let’s just talk about it.

[run2yamama]

You can find all my posts on Wordpress as it may be easier to read in that format: run2yamama.wordpress.com

Run2YaMama

For Women by a Woman who gets it, lets talk about absent mothers

[run2yamama]

I am so much more than what my mum did to me, I am so much more than the child she left behind and I know this - so I guess this is just my battle to remind myself and reconfigure myself every single day, no big deal right? It’s not something I am knowingly doing, it’s just there - a whisper in the background as I’m getting on with my life that says “psssst your mums alive somewhere and she left you”

It’s not getting easier, despite all the empathy I manage to muster up for her - because leaving your child behind whatever the reason, is not something easily done or lightly done. Yes the act itself felt like it, she left me at my dad’s doorstep in my pink coat like it was nothing, but I know it was everything - whatever that looked like for her. We’re 22 years in now, and it’s a waiting game - I am just waiting for the call to come one day to tell me that she isn’t well or is dying or has died, will I go to her then? I don’t know. I can’t grieve whilst she’s still here somewhere. I can’t move on mentally even though my life and body keeps moving on.

I see how safe my daughter feels with me, I feel and see how much she needs me - so yes, the gravity of what my mum did in leaving me is no light freight. The act itself was so cruel. I never said goodbye, I didn’t know it was goodbye.

On another day, where the load doesn’t feel so heavy to carry, i might feel for empathy for her - but not today.

Let’s just talk about it.

[run2yamama]

Guys would you follow if I took this to a different platform? I want to keep having this conversation because after having my daughter.. the mum stuff is more painful than ever to be honest. Or do people prefer the longer posts? I just want to keep interacting with other women who get it.

I feel like I have to fight for my right to be allowed to continuously find it upsetting that I don’t have a mum (because she made it so). It’s not just something I’m going to express once and then that’s it, why would this ever leave us? Yeh fine I can reframe it at times, I can feel sad for me, for my mum. So what, it doesn’t change the fact that I’m still just that sad and confused little 8 year old girl who she left.

I mother my daughter so intentionally, every single thing I do I’m aware of. I want her to see and know how easy she is to love. She’s got my eyes and smiles before they became dim. All the things I hated about myself, she has, she is and I love her so much. Every beautiful sweet moment means I have to meet the gaze of my younger self, yes i was that innocent and how did i ever think it was anything i did that made her behave how she did. I think I was easy to love too.

[run2yamama]

I’ve been gone so long, I don’t really know how to start this post. I’m now a mother… didn’t think I would ever be saying that! I have a little girl, who is nearly 5 months and has forever changed me but I am sure you can imagine the feelings that came up for me if you have followed my posts on here. I was coming to terms with my situation with my own mother and working through a lot of repressed feelings, let me tell you I had no idea the new feelings I would have towards us after becoming a mother myself.

This is something I definitely want to write about, I want to keep having these conversations.

Being a mum, when you’ve had an absent mum? My head is spun truly.

I’m not sure when I will get this post out but in the mean time if you want to follow me on insta please go ahead :) https://instagram.com/roh___o?igshid=YmMyMTA2M2Y=

[run2yamama]

I'm on your WordPress to see every chapter a little more easily. Are you okay with comments? I shared a little bit of my story on one so far but if you'd rather them not be cluttered I don't have to add them there. Just not sure how you do things when it comes to sharing

Hey :) 100% - I’m actually just reading your comment now and it’s so insightful. The feeling of not being alone in this is all I ever wanted when I started this blog. Thank you for opening up. I think the religious aspect of it is also really interesting and can only imagine how that served as a barrier to seeking out a motherly figure.

[run2yamama]

Chapter 28 - R2YM

I have really struggled to come to terms with the fact that mixed in with all my anger, pain and troubling emotions towards my absent-mother, there is also the feeling of missing having her. It’s only as I’ve started to explore my emotions for what they are without any feeling of shame that I am able to see this. The pure anger and hatred I felt for her for many years has been over-riding every other feeling. Please believe me, there is no shame in this – after all this is the woman who at some point, you loved dearly and thought was there to protect you even if she turned out to do the complete opposite.

I don’t even know that it’s about missing HER specifically but perhaps the fleeting moments that were far and few where I felt just okay in her presence. The notion of merely having my biological mother around even if she wasn’t nice, kind or loving is okay for me to miss. It doesn’t detract from anything, it doesn’t take away all of those other truths and facts that I know but there has been something I haven’t been able to put my finger on for years and I guess this is it.

It’s easier to articulate and voice emotions that make sense, if you can see what I mean. It makes sense for me to feel anger, pain, rejection and betrayal. Hell, even the empathy towards her that I have spent time exploring makes sense but the feeling of missing having my biological mum around? That didn’t make sense, it didn’t fit the narrative and so I have been brushing it off and telling myself it’s not that. Trying to work out how I can have this lingering feeling of missing her whilst also being able to list off how vile she was and how grateful I am to have been able to escape at a young age hasn’t been easy to mesh together and there has been a lot of shame rooted in not accepting it.

Please let me tell you, there is no shame in this at all. You don’t have to justify it to yourself or to anyone else. This is your biological mother – it makes complete sense that you would miss her. We miss shitty and toxic people that we have encountered in our life all the time, so why would the same not apply to your absent-mum? Experiencing these emotions doesn’t mean you want her back or that you are invalidating yourself – it doesn’t make anything less true. You survived something horrendous, you survived the ultimate rejection and abandonment AND you can miss this person, you can miss moments and minutes from a time, you can miss elements of the dynamics you might have had in between all the pain. After all, as a child these fleeting moments of peace would have been what you were holding onto, those moments would have been the highlights, they would have been the things that gave you the ability to look at your mum with different eyes – even just for a few seconds. Sometimes my mum used to hold my hand as we walked – she was mine and I was hers in them few minutes- then we got home and it was over and she would pick up where she left off with her abuse and neglect. I just want you to know it’s okay. It’s okay to accept feeling this way, shed however many tears you need to and then let it pass again. You are valid in how you feel – nobody can take away your reality of the situation and on that same point, don’t you dare do that to yourself either. You aren’t wrong for how you feel now and you weren’t wrong then either. The buck lies with your absent-mother and you process this as honestly as you can because that’s all we can do now to reach a place of genuine healing. -R2YM

[run2yamama]

What does it look like for you when your inner child appears in a triggering situation?

Learning what this looks like for you is a wonderful tool to have although the journey of getting there might not feel or look positive and that’s totally okay. 

Being able to pin point and recognise the moments and situations that trigger your inner child and in turn trigger you to respond in a manner that can be self-destructive is not to be underestimated. You don’t deserve to keep re-living trauma that in that precise moment may not even exist but it feels as though your inner child is panicking and trying to get the hell out and away from it. 

For me - situations where I am being shouted at cause me to shut down completely. My inner child feels like I am going to re-live something awful if I dare open my mouth to respond. She would have learnt a long time ago that if I am the object of being yelled at, yelling back is only going to get me physically hurt. I try to disappear inside my head. 

It may have served her well when I was 8 - but for me as an adult? It’s counter-productive. It doesn’t mean I have to tolerate being shouted at but it’s okay for me to articulate how I feel and in turn ask the person to also adjust their behaviour. I can only soothe my inner child by recognising that this situation is not the same. 

Please feel free to share what this can look like for you. Let’s talk about it.

-R2YM

[run2yamama]

Chapter 28 - R2YM

I have really struggled to come to terms with the fact that mixed in with all my anger, pain and troubling emotions towards my absent-mother, there is also the feeling of missing having her. It’s only as I’ve started to explore my emotions for what they are without any feeling of shame that I am able to see this. The pure anger and hatred I felt for her for many years has been over-riding every other feeling. Please believe me, there is no shame in this – after all this is the woman who at some point, you loved dearly and thought was there to protect you even if she turned out to do the complete opposite.

I don’t even know that it’s about missing HER specifically but perhaps the fleeting moments that were far and few where I felt just okay in her presence. The notion of merely having my biological mother around even if she wasn’t nice, kind or loving is okay for me to miss. It doesn’t detract from anything, it doesn’t take away all of those other truths and facts that I know but there has been something I haven’t been able to put my finger on for years and I guess this is it.

It’s easier to articulate and voice emotions that make sense, if you can see what I mean. It makes sense for me to feel anger, pain, rejection and betrayal. Hell, even the empathy towards her that I have spent time exploring makes sense but the feeling of missing having my biological mum around? That didn’t make sense, it didn’t fit the narrative and so I have been brushing it off and telling myself it’s not that. Trying to work out how I can have this lingering feeling of missing her whilst also being able to list off how vile she was and how grateful I am to have been able to escape at a young age hasn’t been easy to mesh together and there has been a lot of shame rooted in not accepting it.

Please let me tell you, there is no shame in this at all. You don’t have to justify it to yourself or to anyone else. This is your biological mother – it makes complete sense that you would miss her. We miss shitty and toxic people that we have encountered in our life all the time, so why would the same not apply to your absent-mum? Experiencing these emotions doesn’t mean you want her back or that you are invalidating yourself – it doesn’t make anything less true. You survived something horrendous, you survived the ultimate rejection and abandonment AND you can miss this person, you can miss moments and minutes from a time, you can miss elements of the dynamics you might have had in between all the pain. After all, as a child these fleeting moments of peace would have been what you were holding onto, those moments would have been the highlights, they would have been the things that gave you the ability to look at your mum with different eyes – even just for a few seconds. Sometimes my mum used to hold my hand as we walked – she was mine and I was hers in them few minutes- then we got home and it was over and she would pick up where she left off with her abuse and neglect. I just want you to know it’s okay. It’s okay to accept feeling this way, shed however many tears you need to and then let it pass again. You are valid in how you feel – nobody can take away your reality of the situation and on that same point, don’t you dare do that to yourself either. You aren’t wrong for how you feel now and you weren’t wrong then either. The buck lies with your absent-mother and you process this as honestly as you can because that’s all we can do now to reach a place of genuine healing. -R2YM

[run2yamama]

Chapter 28 - R2YM

I have really struggled to come to terms with the fact that mixed in with all my anger, pain and troubling emotions towards my absent-mother, there is also the feeling of missing having her. It’s only as I’ve started to explore my emotions for what they are without any feeling of shame that I am able to see this. The pure anger and hatred I felt for her for many years has been over-riding every other feeling. Please believe me, there is no shame in this – after all this is the woman who at some point, you loved dearly and thought was there to protect you even if she turned out to do the complete opposite.

I don’t even know that it’s about missing HER specifically but perhaps the fleeting moments that were far and few where I felt just okay in her presence. The notion of merely having my biological mother around even if she wasn’t nice, kind or loving is okay for me to miss. It doesn’t detract from anything, it doesn’t take away all of those other truths and facts that I know but there has been something I haven’t been able to put my finger on for years and I guess this is it.

It’s easier to articulate and voice emotions that make sense, if you can see what I mean. It makes sense for me to feel anger, pain, rejection and betrayal. Hell, even the empathy towards her that I have spent time exploring makes sense but the feeling of missing having my biological mum around? That didn’t make sense, it didn’t fit the narrative and so I have been brushing it off and telling myself it’s not that. Trying to work out how I can have this lingering feeling of missing her whilst also being able to list off how vile she was and how grateful I am to have been able to escape at a young age hasn’t been easy to mesh together and there has been a lot of shame rooted in not accepting it.

Please let me tell you, there is no shame in this at all. You don’t have to justify it to yourself or to anyone else. This is your biological mother – it makes complete sense that you would miss her. We miss shitty and toxic people that we have encountered in our life all the time, so why would the same not apply to your absent-mum? Experiencing these emotions doesn’t mean you want her back or that you are invalidating yourself – it doesn’t make anything less true. You survived something horrendous, you survived the ultimate rejection and abandonment AND you can miss this person, you can miss moments and minutes from a time, you can miss elements of the dynamics you might have had in between all the pain. After all, as a child these fleeting moments of peace would have been what you were holding onto, those moments would have been the highlights, they would have been the things that gave you the ability to look at your mum with different eyes – even just for a few seconds. Sometimes my mum used to hold my hand as we walked – she was mine and I was hers in them few minutes- then we got home and it was over and she would pick up where she left off with her abuse and neglect. I just want you to know it’s okay. It’s okay to accept feeling this way, shed however many tears you need to and then let it pass again. You are valid in how you feel – nobody can take away your reality of the situation and on that same point, don’t you dare do that to yourself either. You aren’t wrong for how you feel now and you weren’t wrong then either. The buck lies with your absent-mother and you process this as honestly as you can because that’s all we can do now to reach a place of genuine healing. -R2YM

[run2yamama]

Latest advice chapter is now up (Chapter 28)

To read previous chapters: https://run2yamama.wordpress.com/

[run2yamama]

Chapter 28 - R2YM

I have really struggled to come to terms with the fact that mixed in with all my anger, pain and troubling emotions towards my absent-mother, there is also the feeling of missing having her. It’s only as I’ve started to explore my emotions for what they are without any feeling of shame that I am able to see this. The pure anger and hatred I felt for her for many years has been over-riding every other feeling. Please believe me, there is no shame in this – after all this is the woman who at some point, you loved dearly and thought was there to protect you even if she turned out to do the complete opposite.

I don’t even know that it’s about missing HER specifically but perhaps the fleeting moments that were far and few where I felt just okay in her presence. The notion of merely having my biological mother around even if she wasn’t nice, kind or loving is okay for me to miss. It doesn’t detract from anything, it doesn’t take away all of those other truths and facts that I know but there has been something I haven’t been able to put my finger on for years and I guess this is it.

It’s easier to articulate and voice emotions that make sense, if you can see what I mean. It makes sense for me to feel anger, pain, rejection and betrayal. Hell, even the empathy towards her that I have spent time exploring makes sense but the feeling of missing having my biological mum around? That didn’t make sense, it didn’t fit the narrative and so I have been brushing it off and telling myself it’s not that. Trying to work out how I can have this lingering feeling of missing her whilst also being able to list off how vile she was and how grateful I am to have been able to escape at a young age hasn’t been easy to mesh together and there has been a lot of shame rooted in not accepting it.

Please let me tell you, there is no shame in this at all. You don’t have to justify it to yourself or to anyone else. This is your biological mother – it makes complete sense that you would miss her. We miss shitty and toxic people that we have encountered in our life all the time, so why would the same not apply to your absent-mum? Experiencing these emotions doesn’t mean you want her back or that you are invalidating yourself – it doesn’t make anything less true. You survived something horrendous, you survived the ultimate rejection and abandonment AND you can miss this person, you can miss moments and minutes from a time, you can miss elements of the dynamics you might have had in between all the pain. After all, as a child these fleeting moments of peace would have been what you were holding onto, those moments would have been the highlights, they would have been the things that gave you the ability to look at your mum with different eyes – even just for a few seconds. Sometimes my mum used to hold my hand as we walked – she was mine and I was hers in them few minutes- then we got home and it was over and she would pick up where she left off with her abuse and neglect. I just want you to know it’s okay. It’s okay to accept feeling this way, shed however many tears you need to and then let it pass again. You are valid in how you feel – nobody can take away your reality of the situation and on that same point, don’t you dare do that to yourself either. You aren’t wrong for how you feel now and you weren’t wrong then either. The buck lies with your absent-mother and you process this as honestly as you can because that’s all we can do now to reach a place of genuine healing. -R2YM

[run2yamama]

If you want to read up on other Advice Chapters before the latest one (Chapter 27)

You can find them here: https://run2yamama.wordpress.com/

[run2yamama]

Chapter 27 - R2YM

One of the biggest challenges I’ve faced growing up with absent-mother was not being able to enforce boundaries, with anyone in shape or context. It isn’t a surprise considering the person who brought me into the world didn’t respect me or make me feel worthy. She always crossed the line and from a very young age I knew that this didn’t feel right but I couldn’t quite explain it, it was clear to me that during this time I was well and truly an emotional punching bag. Being put in dangerous situations by your own mum also makes it difficult to comprehend that you are worth anything as my safety wasn’t paramount to her.

So it wasn’t a surprise to me that I grew up struggling to enforce boundaries with other people in all areas of my life, this includes friendships, relationships and even in professional work environments. It was second nature to me to feel like I have the resilience to deal with whatever other humans throw at me and I was used to not speaking up or perhaps not feeling like I had a right to speak up. I can’t stress enough that this is not a part of resilience, of course we all have to pick our battles but that is not the same thing as feeling you inherently have to take what others throw at you just because you know you’ve been through the worst of the worst when it comes to someone stepping all over your boundaries.

It can even feel foreign to you when you hear your own voice quietly verbalizing that you feel infringed upon, sometimes you hear yourself start and quickly stop because every other time you tried to do this in your life (with your mum) – you were shut down swiftly and in my case, shut down in an aggressive manner. It’s truly heartbreaking when you can see the cycle for what it is and you can see why you’re unable to advocate for yourself with clear eyes. Unlearning this behaviour is so difficult I have no words for it BUT it isn’t impossible, it truly isn’t.

The feelings of being abandoned and therefore feeling like every time you set a boundary that may push someone away or result in you having to walk away is so conflicting. I promise you, I get it. You feel like no matter what it is they are doing or saying – even if it doesn’t sit right with you, even if your gut tells you it’s truly wrong – you have to stay through it and work it out rather than drop a straight NO into the mix. You don’t want anyone to feel like you’re abandoning them or giving off the message that they are “unlovable” or “unlikable” – it comes from a really lovely place ultimately but it’s simply not realistic or fair. When you’ve been exposed to emotional neglect it’s hard to see that setting firm boundaries doesn’t fall into that same category. Constant exposure to this gives you a tunnel vision where standing up for yourself equates to the same as being mean and hurting others and again it’s just not true.

It takes practice but you owe it to yourself to find a way to communicate boundaries to others, to be able to walk away when awful toxic behaviour is impacting you. You will end up using what your mum did to you as a weapon against yourself – how is this fair? You don’t deserve that. You can still remain kind and know that it isn’t the same thing, abandoning someone doesn’t even fall into this – you are categorically not doing that. Something I’ve found useful is having a “go-to sentence” as a template that has been practiced, that feels comfortable for me personally when leaving my mouth. For example: “I don’t like how this is making me feel, I understand you have to stand by your reality of this situation and that’s okay too but I don’t want to be a part of this as I feel like it could become toxic. I hope you can understand this and in turn respect my reality of the situation.”

We will all have conflict with the people we care about at some point but it doesn’t matter how long you’ve known them, if you feel like you are the only one growing and they are exhibiting behaviours that trigger you or make you feel like you’re regressing it is your RIGHT to choose to bow out gracefully. There is no way we have survived and endured what we have, broken free from the chains of having an absent-mother and then accept any behaviour that is thrown at us for the fear of abandoning them.

You are not your mother.

-R2YM

[run2yamama]

Were there any moments in your journey with your absent-mum that ever make you feel like you miss her?

This will be the topic of Advice Chapter 28. For me, it’s been really hard to come to terms with the fact that mixed in with all these other painful emotions and I feel there is also the feeling of missing her. Not necessarily her - but perhaps the fleeting moments where it was okay for even a few minutes.  It’s been hard for me to admit this but vocalising this has also opened the door to feeling more at peace inside. I’d like to hear your perspective on this, there isn’t any shame in it which is also how I felt. I felt like I was betraying my inner child by giving that feeling of missing her any life.  Feel free to inbox me (you can be anonymous if that helps you) -R2YM

[run2yamama]

Were there any moments in your journey with your absent-mum that ever make you feel like you miss her?

This will be the topic of Advice Chapter 28. For me, it’s been really hard to come to terms with the fact that mixed in with all these other painful emotions and I feel there is also the feeling of missing her. Not necessarily her - but perhaps the fleeting moments where it was okay for even a few minutes.  It’s been hard for me to admit this but vocalising this has also opened the door to feeling more at peace inside. I’d like to hear your perspective on this, there isn’t any shame in it which is also how I felt. I felt like I was betraying my inner child by giving that feeling of missing her any life.  Feel free to inbox me (you can be anonymous if that helps you) -R2YM

[run2yamama]

Were there any moments in your journey with your absent-mum that ever make you feel like you miss her?

This will be the topic of Advice Chapter 28. For me, it’s been really hard to come to terms with the fact that mixed in with all these other painful emotions and I feel there is also the feeling of missing her. Not necessarily her - but perhaps the fleeting moments where it was okay for even a few minutes.  It’s been hard for me to admit this but vocalising this has also opened the door to feeling more at peace inside. I’d like to hear your perspective on this, there isn’t any shame in it which is also how I felt. I felt like I was betraying my inner child by giving that feeling of missing her any life.  Feel free to inbox me (you can be anonymous if that helps you) -R2YM