An Internal Conflict

[rundecided-blog]

The Thought of Suicide

Sometimes, you look outside your window a minute longer than you should, looking at the traffic and the busy commuters. Sometimes, you imagine yourself falling and locating where your potential point of impact is. You feel the wind brush through your face, how cold it must feel when the wind flows faster during your descent. You imagine how long it would take. You calculate the time it takes from where you stand to the pavement, and you look at it. You look at the pavement and you see an image of you falling. You being to piece together what the fall would look like, "Would it be messy? Would my body parts fly away from each other? Would it be a subtle trickle of blood flowing outside my head?" You weave a story out of it, "What would the people do? What would they say days after? Would they weep for me, or would they forget me, just like they always do?" You light a cigarette and inhale a deep long drag. You exhale and see the waves smoke dance through the air and you wonder, "Does this really kill me slowly?"

[rundecided-blog]

To My Future Kids

Doing this because I just saw a post from someone about a letter to their kids and I thought, "what the hell?" (please don't judge me because of this. haha.) So... yeah, here it goes... To my kids,  I won't really hate you, I may be disappointed or annoyed or pissed at the choices you will make in your life whatever that may be, but I will never hate you, because no parent will ever hate their child. Remember that, and that remember that very well, especially at times when I'm angry. 

I want you guys to grow up as very... active individuals, which means I don't want you to be slaves to the technology of today (or the future, whatever floats your boat) (It's also funny to think that the topic of the letter of that someone was this as well) (yeah, I put in consecutive parentheses to display my inner thoughts, sue me.). I want you guys to play a sport (basketball, or football would be nice) really well, or play a musical instrument really well, or learn how to dance really well, or just be able to express yourself really well (forgive me if I keep stressing on the word "really well", I don't want you guys to be mediocre at what you do). I do not want your ability to express yourself to be limited by the taps of the keyboard or the clicks of the mouse (would we still have a mouse in the future, I wonder). We have our words, we have our hands, we have our bodies, and we have our minds to create something beautiful. What I'm just saying is... there is a world out there worth living for and I will not let my child limit themselves to a window when they could go outside and experience the whole landscape. 

I want you guys to be really good at what you do, whether it be in academics or in extra-curricular activities or whatever, as long as it's legal. So, forgive me if you think I'm pushing you too hard or I'm being too strict with you. I promise it'll all be worth it in the end. I will not let my child become neither a spoiled brat nor a laggard. You guys have too much potential for it to go to waste.

I want you guys to be religious, but I also want you guys to be critical thinkers. I want you to know the difference between right and wrong, not what will please the people around you and what won't. I'm thinking that your time would be a time of too much liberation that we may forget what's really important. Allow me to teach you what's important: family, love, respect, wisdom, and a lot more. Let me be the one to teach you all those.

I want you guys to appreciate good music. No child of mine would listen to stupid nonsensical music riddled with autotune and repetitive lyrics. I want you guys to appreciate the music of my generation like Snow Patrol, Coldplay, Joshua Radin, Maroon 5, etc.

I want you guys to love life, all of it. From the greatest of joys to the heaviest of sorrows, feel every fiber of those emotions. Yes, it'll hurt, it won't feel good, but that is life, the essence of it all. Remember all those fleeting moments and let it serve as a reminder for you, and an advice for others as you all go through this passage of life.

Writing this at the age of 20, Dad P.S. Forgive my horrible grammar and my ridiculous flow on this letter. I'm writing this at 3 in the morning and I still have a thesis presentation and a final exam to think about. 

[rundecided-blog]

Of Friendships and Misguided Perspectives

Just had a realization moments ago, of what it means to be "a friend". I always thought that you only need to classify people you want to be friends with as "friends". Little did I know that there is something deeper than that. We have "acquaintances", "colleagues", "friends", "sports friends", "highschool friends", "fair weather friends", and a whole lot more. It just became confusing all of a sudden, but it became clear, a little bit. Of who my friends really are, and what did they do to merit such. Those friends are those I get pissed off of, and somehow they make effort in the end to make up. They are those who would let me go into stuff I would regret the morning after, only to help me get back home safe, even if it means vomiting in their car. They are those who would tell me the truth straight in my face that I am fucking up big time, and that they would joke about it afterwards. And now I take that into account, I realized something. My "friends" back then in highschool are a bit different from the friends I have now. and... yeah.