Peace
I dont write here anymore. So I assume no one reads.
I’ve spent the last week slowly reading every single post I’ve ever written on here. It’s brought me back to the parts of my life that I forgot about - photos that no longer exist on my phone or laptop, a version of myself that I no longer am, but remember being.
And I feel at peace.
I have, what can only be described as an addictive personality - and for the longest time, as we can clearly see from this blog - my whole being was put into running. Every single word I wrote about running on here was true, I still believe it is.
But when I burnt out after Dopey 2... which was well documented on here, I never returned to running in the same way again.
Do I still run? Yes.
Do I still workout? Yes. 5 days a week!
What’s my current obsession? Hah. Peloton.
If I were to still write this blog now, the same passion you saw on here towards running you would see towards peloton - because, as mentioned - that is who I am, an addictive type of gal. For the last year and a bit, every single workout I have done has been done within the peloton ecosystem - and, as you can probably imagine - I love it.
But there is a big difference in the way I approach workouts now. I am in my thirties now after all - and also... Married!
I workout because it makes me feel better, because I know that the endorphins have saved me more times that I will ever known from a mental health crisis, and because it makes me happy. I swap around what I do to choose what my body wants to do - and that relationship is beautiful.
And you know what?
I dont look like I used to. You could say, someone that would meet me for the first time would think she doesn't work out. But I am living proof that fitness and aesthetic goals are not one and the same. After the years of living the way I did, and unfortunately as is very common in the period of time that I was blogging and lost weight - I did not have a healthy relationship with food. I probably still don’t, not 100% - but it is good I would say. The reason I’m saying that is because I believe that I probably did some hard to repair damage to my metabolism and body in those days - to the point now where my ‘natural weight’ is kind of where I am right now. Despite the fact that I workout alot, despite the fact that I eat vegetarian, and I'd say pretty well about 80% of the time...
I will always look in the mirror and want to see something different looking back at me. Hell, I just read a post from when I was at my lowest weight saying that I didn't like what I saw in the mirror - so point proven. But those thoughts no longer control the way I approach my exercise and my food.
I feel at peace.
I’m working out because I love it, and if that doesn't change anything on the scale - then I still won't stop.
We’ve all grown up, I assume. Grown up and realised alot of the people we idolised back in those days were disordered eaters, people that have gone on to admit that. People who've have gone on to have busy jobs, have kids, etc - and if anyone found my old posts of reblogged before and afters now and found their way to this old place in the world... I’d want them to see this message.
My message would be -I would encourage you to fall in love with fitness, and focus on doing things that will make you a healthier person... but remember that in all of that, you are still a person that needs to live and have memories of a life well lived. Do not let your desire to run a certain pace, or fit into a certain dress size ever stop you from utilising this precious time we have on the earth.
I know that running, and working out will be by my side the rest of my life - I know the way that I felt back in the day will remain with me. But I will be the first to admit that back then, it was ALL I had, was ALL I focused on. Now, it is just a part of a bigger picture.
For those that see this, and want to follow my real life, years and years beyond the blog - you can find me on instagram (below) and if you are a peloton lover, go ahead and find me on the same username.....
For now, this is me putting runningtoescapethetruth to rest.
Because the truth is, the name was pretty accurate after all - I shouldn’t have been trying to escape it.