Following up on my previous post, I wanted to say that loving myself is complicated.
I’m taking some time to write some things out, and for the most part and from now on, most of my posts are mostly going to be letters to my partner that I hope she never sees.
Maybe through those letters, and expressing these feelings, I’ll figure out what makes me love myself? Can people with BPD love themselves???
That being said, let’s get this show on the road. To catch people up to speed, I’ve totally emotionally shat the bed and kind of dumped on my partner, explaining that I felt minimized when I don’t get to see her other weeks due to some constraints.
My love,
It’s still incredibly hard to process everything, even though my emotions are scary to myself, you’re still here. The separation and the time apart is literal agony, but I have to sit with it. This is the part that nobody talks about, or the pain is so romanticized that it looks like heaven.
But these weeks, the distance, feels like heartache I’ve never felt before. Almost as if it’s running on empty and the only place for it to rest is in your arms, your head resting gently on my chest while my hand wraps around your waist. That heart ache feels like it’s trying to claw its way out of my chest so that it can feel those curls bounce against it as you nuzzle yourself closer into me.
Knowing that I am going to a place and a bed that doesn’t have you in it, and I just have to be okay with being alone isn’t something that I want anymore. I’m tired of that place, and I feel like I’ve worn out my welcome. Even when I was married, I felt like I was there. The endless weeks of showing up to hotel room or bus bunk, just for a few hours of rest, just to go back to another 30 hour day is not the place I live at anymore.
I’m sorry that my heart as moved in so quickly, this isn’t my fault, and I truly wanted it to slow down for this very reason. It’s only been 3 and a half months, it shouldn’t be like this
All I wish is for you to ask me to come home to you every night.
So a little bit of a crazy story, but I used to do a lot in kink, but stepped back after some trauma and other things. I’ve been able to really purge a lot of it off the internet.
ANYWAYS, I started seeing this girl a few months back and we connected on a lot of ways, things got serious and I’m usually crashing at her place every other week.
Well after a shitty and long day at work, she lifts up my symptoms a bit by tagging me in a story of flowers I bought her. After she gets back to her place where I was waiting for her after work, she and I felt really connected.
So moving along, I came back to work the next day, she had an off day and some plans with friends. It was so slow in the morning that I ended up building a whole entire day based around what I used to do in kink, to show her and let her experience it.
Now mind you, a lot of my experience is in shibari and tantric massage, I’ve studied both extensively and am able to use my work skills in one of them, and was professionally trained in the other. Nothing excessively scary or overwhelming here.
So anyways, she was having a rough morning and after she told me about how rough it was, I wanted to cheer her up. Instead, her response to “would a surprise cheer you up?” was “No, I’ll be okay, thank you”
That stung, and now I’ve got a 500$ shipment of gear and supplies for said experience, as well as a written guide detailing the whole experience.
Just obsessed with an FP/GF with an avoidant attachment style, nothing to see here (but my mental breakdowns when they forget to text me good morning like they always do)
blakekathryn
yousharknotpass
janainaart
vaporwave
kaledo-art
origamiaround
