Unrequited love is cruel. Because you may be rich, famous, successful, and loved by so many people; yet your mind is fixed on that one person. Money can buy you anything, yet it canāt buy her love.
She will marry some random guy, buy a home, have children, be happy, and youāll be happy for her, but you wonāt be happy.
Because youāll come home to your empty penthouse, eat with your goddamn golden knifes and forks, sleep in your king-sized bed, empty, cold; praying; be ready to give it all up, if only you could see her smile, once. At you. Because of you.
Why am I so fixed on her? There are millions of other beautiful, succesful, strong women, yetā¦yetā¦
They havenāt seen me scared of ghost stories at age 11. She has.
They havenāt seen me try, and fail, at making dumb videos at age 12. She has.
They havenāt held my hand at age 13. She has.
They havenāt sent me a stuffed animal at age 14, when I carelessly left the country. She has. I keep it. A cruel reminder.
They havenāt held long skype calls till 2 am at age 15. We have.
They havenāt fought, ignored, and then moved on with their lives at age 16. She did.
Now at age 17, we talk like strangers. She is not who I loved. To her, Iām just some text with emojis, and a face.
Yet on the rare occasions, when I get to hear her speak. All my anxieties disappear. I forget that weāre miles away. I feel back in middle school. I feel like nothing has changed.
I could have any woman in the world, but;
They havenāt sat in every class, every day, next to me. Theyāre not her.
They never promised to save money and come visit me. She promised. Never did.
Those women are as irrelevant as dew drops in a foggy day.
I hear her talk of her new friends. New friends she has known for the last four years. I hope they make her happy. She deserves to be happy.
And whatās scariest, is that I still donāt know if Iām in love with her, or am I in love with a vision of her? Am I in love with a fantasy? How much of what I remember is her, and how much have I made up? I donāt know.
How much has she changed since I last saw her? I donāt know
There isnāt a lot i wish for. But Iāve wished and wished, to be hers. And for her to be mine. Wellā¦I suppose, I live in the wrong timeline.
I just hope, genuenly hope, that a different me, in a different time, different universe, is happy.
I hope Iām happy, somewhere. Sometime.
As for now, I hope the money will mask the sorrow on my face. And wipe my tears of nostalgia.
She will never be happy for me.
- she wont see this anyways
(11/15/16)
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