A Message from the Future
A poof of smoke and lightning. FUTURE BRIAN emerges from the cloud and pokes PAST BRIAN on the shoulder.
PAST BRIAN: Do I know you?
FB: Look, I’m not supposed to be doing this. But I traveled here from the year 2016. I just wanted to tell you, don’t join the band with the mullet-headed singer. I know it seems like a savvy idea because hair metal is all the rage. But they’re all secretly junkies and it’ll fall apart in a few months. Instead, join the band with the scuzzy looking guys wearing flannel.
PB: I dug their songs. But I’m trying to think career-wise.
FB: In a year, something called grunge is going to take over music and those guys are going to have a string of hits. Trust me on this.
FB: Absolutely, you’ll make a good amount of money and make better music. Save it and go back to college. You’re going to sour on the music biz, anyway. You’ll find your true calling in particle physics. But unless you’re able to invest some of your own money into your projects, and they’re big projects, everything you invent is going to be owned by this enormous corporation who will do all they can to sweep you under the rug.
FB: You don’t know shit about it now. But you’ll become one of the leading authorities. And you’ll discover how to travel through time.
FB: Also, invest in Apple, Microsoft, Verizon, and AT&T.
PB: Aren’t Apple computers the crappy ones?
FB: They get better. Then they get worse again. It depends on who you talk to.
PB: I’m pretty blown away. What’s the year 2016 like?
FB: It’s been…interesting.
PB: What’s the music like? Are people still listening to any of the same stuff?
FB: Well, Prince is selling well at the moment.
PB: Sweet! One of my absolute favorites.
FB: But it’s mostly because he died recently.
PB: NOOOO! In the same year? Those guys are icons of the era! The very thing that defines a time and place. It’s those two and Michael Jackson.
PB: If you tell me he dies in 2016…
FB: He does not die in 2016.
PB: Fuck! Anyone else I should know about?
FB: Maurice White.
FB: Gene Wilder. Marvin Minksy. Alan Rickman. Harper Lee. George Martin. Keith Emerson.
FB: Garry Shandling. Patty Duke. Merle Haggard. Lemmy died at the end of 2015.
PB: He’s not dead already?
FB: No, but everyone thinks he is.
PB: What’s technology like?
FB: Technology’s crazy at the moment! Look at this. This is what phones look like in 2016.
FB: It is in a way. More powerful than any computers you have now. In fact, people mostly use them as computers instead of phones. But we keep calling them phones.
You can communicate with anyone in the world from any place that you’re standing. You can watch movies. Write to someone in Japan. This device has access to all the world’s knowledge with a poke of your finger.
PB: So are people glued to these things at all times?
PB: That’s probably how dopes like me get into particle physics.
FB: Occasionally. But most people use it to take pictures of their food.
PB: Why would anyone take pictures of their food?
FB: So they can show them to friends.
PB: Is there a shortage of food?
FB: No. People just like pictures of it. And cat videos.
FB: And in 2016, people are using this to catch Pokemon.
PB: What’s Pokemon?
FB: They’re cartoon characters in a video game. They exist only in your phone but you look for them in the real world. You catch them, but you’re not really catching anything.
PB: Far out. What else is going on?
FB: Well, the bees are dying.
PB: What do you mean, the bees are dying?
FB: Bees. The bugs. They’re dying.
FB: No one is quite sure. But a lot of people think it’s because we’ve developed corn that emits its own poison.
PB: Why would anyone do that?
FB: Well, evil clowns are trending.
PB: What does that even mean?
FB: Well, the internet has exploded. Everyone uses it, but mostly to socialize even when they’re not in the same room. And some people make friends solely on the internet. Anyway, a few of those friend-making venues thought it would be cool if a bunch of them went out into the real world dressed like evil clowns holding knives to scare people.
FB: No just for whenever.
PB: Okay, is anything good happening?
FB: The Cubs won the World Series.
PB: THAT is amazing! Did anything horrible happen to make that happen?
FB: No, it’s great. Everyone’s elated.
PB: Unbelievable. I never thought it would happen.
FB: We needed it. It would get more attention if it weren’t for the election.
PB: Oh right! It’s an election year. What happening in politics? Are we still at peace with Russia?
FB: Well…We got our first black president in 2008.
FB: And gay people can get married in a few states.
FB: Weed has been legalized in a few states, too.
PB: Holy shit. That might be worth the poisoned corn. But who’s running for president in 2016?
PB: Brian?
FB: Okay so, in a couple years, your new president will be Bill Clinton. He’s currently the governor of Arkansas. People are still on the fence about his legacy. He oversaw a strong economy, but he also got impeached for getting a blowjob from an intern.
FB: So his wife Hillary is currently a lawyer and social activist. She’ll get directly into politics as a senator in New York and work her way up to Secretary of State. She’s the Democratic nominee for president.
PB: Oh my god! A black president, then a female president! How’s it looking for her?
FB: The polls are neck and neck.
PB: Who’s the Republican nominee?
PB: Who’s the Republican nominee, Brian?
PB: Why aren’t you answering me?
PB: Donald Tr…The rich guy?
PB: Did he switch gears at some point and get into politics?
FB: He’s never held office before. Never run for office.
PB: And he’s the Republican nominee…What’s his platform?
FB: He wants to build a wall on the border with Mexico.
FB: And make Mexico pay for it.
PB: How is that possible?
FB:It’s not. But people are eating it up. He also wants to ban Muslims from entering the country.
PB: Why are people voting for him?
FB: They think he speaks the truth.
PB: And what’s the problem with Hillary Clinton?
FB: She used a personal server to send emails?
PB: What does that mean?
FB: Emails are like letters, but on a computer. They get sent immediately over the internet. The server is the machine that stores and sends them.
PB: Okay, so what’s the problem?
FB: People are afraid that spies could have stolen secrets because she used a private server.
FB: She also got paid to speak to corporations.
FB: Some people hate her. They don’t like her voice.
PB: Wait, has Donald Trump gotten into philanthropy or something?
FB: No. He bought the Miss Universe pageant, built a few casinos, went bankrupt with some stuff, and became a reality TV star.
P: What’s reality TV?
F: It’s like a documentary, but stupid.
P: And why do people think he’ll be a good president?
F: They think he’s good with business.
F: Look man, 2016 has been a super weird year. Just keep your nose to the grindstone. Churn out some good music and invent time travel. We’re all going to get through this.
P: Wait, you can travel through time. You must have gone to the future to see how things turned out with the election, right?
F: I’ve probably said too much. Don’t disrupt the spacetime continuum. Just keep on.
P: How can you say that now?!
Future Brian hits a button – Buzz - Poof
