Poems by me

[ryusakomatsu-blog]

Lie Again

People look at me like I’m so different. If only they could read my past, they’d understand. If they had the scars that I got, If they knew the story behind all the bruises, If they’d know what it’s like to be scared to just say a simple “hello” , then maybe It’ll be okay. The term, “friend” is so uncharted to me. I don’t know what makes a good “friend” anymore. It’s like everytime I turned my head, someone had a target at the back of my head. I'm tired of the “ you bitch” to being shoved in a locker. It gets so much to me that I’m numb. I don't feel a thing anymore. Weren’t you guys supposed to be helping me and support me while im in this shell of my past self? Oh wait, you guys never cared and I’m here grieving why nobody wants to be here for me. It’s gone to the point where I lost all faith especially in myself. I’m stuck in the middle of nothing because there's nowhere to escape and there's nowhere to stay. It hurts walking outside and remembering the spot where I was beaten up. It hurts hearing glass break because it reminds me of my scars. Nothing has ever been the way I want it to, I continue to keep hurting and hurting. Just nobody knows what it’s like to wake up not knowing what purpose is there to life. People come and go they say, but in reality people just use you till you have no worth on earth anymore. I gave every inch of me thinking that you'd give me every bit of you back. But you grabbed the knife and stabbed in my scars. You went for my weakest points and you left me for dead but why? Why give my hopes off like that? I was broken enough, I was reluctant to pour my pain onto you thinking that’d you’d help me rebuild. But I guess you and so many people just don’t how to handle me anymore. Not being enough is such a common theme in my life. I shouldn’t have to feel the need to continually make someone satisfied just so I can stay relevant or seen in a lighter manner. To my parents, I’m sorry I can’t always make you satisfied. I’m sorry I’m not the top student in my class or the best runner in school. But I want you guys to know that I love you and I’m trying my very best to give you the best results I can give. But sometimes I feel like i’ll never reach your standards in life. I have so much doubt around me that it’s taken my mind too. Too all the people that I wasn’t good enough for, I’m sorry. You all have left me scars on my body. But just if you ever come back, don't lie to me again.

[ryusakomatsu-blog]

how to love again

PAIN

Pain for me is waking up and remembering that the person isn’t there for you anymore. Pain is wanting to make that person happy but knowing you can’t anymore. Pain is knowing all your wrongs and letting that dictate your next ludicrous decision. Pain is knowing that nobody is going to understand the way the other person did. Pain is insensible when it hurts so much. Pain is worrying/caring about someone that doesn’t care anymore. Pain is having hope but have it quickly diminished when reality hits you. Pain is not being able to love somebody else because you still love her. Pain is in the inner frustration that cannot be let out. Pain is an invisible wall that everybody fails to recognize. Pain is not being able to say I love you to the person you love. Pain is a burden you assimilate into your heart and soul but you keep on hurting.

ANGER

Anger is to cover up pain. Anger is just temporary agony that distracts you from the truth. Anger leaves you feeling betrayed and unwanted. Anger is burning bridges that were meant to be kept up. Anger is vengeance against the ones that hurt you. Anger is what pushes your happiness away. Anger is being scared of what’s to come the next day. Anger leads to being lost and hopeless.  Anger is formed by broken love.

FINDING THE FORBIDDEN ANSWERS

When someone leaves you, you don't get the whole truth ever. There's always other reasons and factors that you simply may never know. Finding the forbidden answers to why she left you lies to self perception. You begin to question yourself. You wonder if they “love” you or if they even thought about. It puts you in this limbo where you don't know which side to believe, your friends or her. This causes you to question your own love for her. Sometimes digging for the truth brings you down even further and that isn’t the way to go. If you want to keep progressing you need to realize and rebuild.

REALIZATION & REBUILD

You realize it’s not worth it anymore. Realization is where you jump deep thinking the other person would too. Realization and rebuild is when you let the past go but not forget it. You learn from the mistakes and experience you’ve had. Memories will fade… almost like an afterthought. The feelings you want to feel just aren’t there anymore. You’ll feel worthless and weak. Most of you is gone. The love just isn’t there to be given to anyone because you’re too afraid to give it again. You need self-resuarrance but you nor anybody else can help you. This is where the realization needs to kick in. The crying dries up, the fears lessen, the cuts turn into scars. You’ll be okay. Slowly the world will make peace again; the advice people give you starts to make sense, you’ll start caring about you and you only, but in all, you’ll be okay.

Time

Time heals everything. “Time heals all wounds” they say. Time away from the one that hurt you the most is hard to endure. The fire needs to be able to die down, the strings will lose its tension, and the clock will keep moving. Time will keep moving whether or not you want it to or not. That’s why you can’t stay in the past. As much as you want to, you just can't. Your ex-lover will move beyond you and the past. Don’t dwell on the past even when the future is bleak.

LOVE

Love is something we all feel at some point. Whether that’s family,siblings, and pets. But love for someone else is much different. It isn’t the generic family love you get or the unrealistic love in movies. Love for someone else often results in being hurt or happy. When you love someone else you care for them, it doesn’t matter if it’s the smallest thing ever, you just never stop caring, even after they’re gone. Love causes you to do crazy things, even if that decimates you. You do anything to keep that person with you because you love them. Many people will attempt to shoot down your love for the person because they think they know what’s best for you. When you love someone, you block all that out. It’s hard to not give in to those “it’s not worth it”, “you can do better”, “she doesn’t love you”. You have to block all that out. The only person that should be in your head is that other person. Go against the whole world just for her because she loves you too. Love makes you happy. Loves distracts you from all the pain and bullshit that transpires. Love is there even when you don’t realize it. But with great love, there's also being hurt. Nobody likes being hurt. But it happens. Those once lovely words that came out of the other person’s mouth suddenly become ill-tempered pernicious expressions. But love keeps you hanging on to that person. In the end, you just love that person unconditionally no matter what happens next in life.