私を殺した私心。

[s-implethoughts]

I don’t know why I feel like this...

I haven’t felt jealous in so long. And I hate feeling like this.

I don’t want to tell you why I am upset or why I am feeling down because I don’t want you (or even myself) to feel like I am going back to who I was years ago. Back to when I would get jealous at every single girl you talked to.

But this feeling feels so familiar. It all feels like history is repeating itself.

It’s the same feeling I had when your best friend was dating their ex. And all you did was talk about her. You would bring her up all the time. It was like you had feelings towards her. You would always say you miss her so much. You two even message each other on Instagram sometimes. I was upset when she only messaged you ‘OMG CONGRATS’ on our engagement day and not even message me. When I showed you a Filipino celebrity that reminds me of my childhood because everyone said I looked like her, you flat out said “she doesn’t really look like you, she looks more like ____”. That crushed me. It was like you were always thinking of her.

This time, it’s a different friend’s girlfriend. And I didn’t think I would feel jealous towards her because she knows how it feels like to be cheated on or to be betrayed by a close girlfriend. But now, I don’t even know. During our vacation, you barely held me but were always touchy with her and her boyfriend. I got uncomfortable. You lied to me yesterday saying you don’t know who you were playing with on Valerant. And then I heard you talking to her. Today, I told you how I was down I was feeling but you ignored me and brought her up instead because she was fighting with her man and she was venting to you.

Why was she venting to you?

I don’t like feeling like this. I’m trying to keep quiet... but I don’t know.

[s-implethoughts]

I hate my body.

I hate that I am letting myself go.

I hate the way I look.

I was at my prime 2 years ago, and I want to be where I was before.

I’m insecure.

I’m not happy.

I don’t want to look like this anymore. 

I want to change.

[s-implethoughts]

It’s like my feelings don’t matter.

It is like you’re telling me that our friendship doesn’t matter. The way I feel doesn’t matter...

“You would have never been friends with him if you and your fiance weren’t together.”

It breaks my heart that you would just lessen the importance of our friendship and you’re probably right, that is just how it is. He would have never apologized to me if it wasn’t for my fiance..

But I was your friend too. I was hurt in this too. You think I was just okay with what happened in that dorm?

With all this said and done, I don’t want to be his friend anymore. I’m not going to be his friend just because he is friends with my fiance again. 

Our friendship was fake anyways. 

[s-implethoughts]

You told me that I’m too ambitious and that I’m burning myself out.

I have never felt this positive in my life before. I feel like I know what I am doing for the first time in a while. For the first time I have goals, and I have something I want to work towards and accomplish but you’re acting like I’m not serious about it.

“You talk about it all the time.” Because I am passionate about it. Because this is something I’ve been wanting to do for so long and it sucks that I went down the wrong path. It sucks that I am in a career that I don’t want to be in. But I know what I want to do and I am still figuring how to get there. I will not speak about it anymore.

You say that you’re always going to support me in all the things I want to do. How can you say that when you’re telling me to put my goals and dreams on hold? How can you tell me that when you know I’ve put my dreams on hold since High school cause no one believed in me, because no one supported me?

I was so positive about 2020 after last night.

My dreams were crushed. I am back to feeling lost and feeling like everything I do isn’t right.

I never thought that you would make me feel like this. You were the last person I thought would make me feel like this.

[s-implethoughts]

I took the job offer.

I’m nervous.

I don’t know any networking...

[s-implethoughts]

Yesterday, I cried to him.

He noticed that I was off and how sad I looked. It didn’t help that we were watching a new Netflix reality TV show about cabins.

It made me think that maybe we won’t get a cabin... maybe our dreams are unrealistic.

It also made me spill the beans that I have so much regret for a 23 year old. The type of regret where you can’t go back to change it, like picking a major in college, or applying to the right college. It made me spill the beans that I don’t like what I am doing... coding is my passion and it something I should be doing.

But tonight also made me realize what I need to do this year. 2020 is my year to work towards what I want to do for the rest of my life. 2020 is the year I work towards my goals.

[s-implethoughts]

After writing that journal, I got a job offer as a network specialist.

I am freaking out.

I can cross out getting a job off my 2020 goals.

Next is getting my certificate, and starting my portfolio.

[s-implethoughts]

Why do I feel like I am not doing the right thing in life? I feel like I took the wrong path in life and time is running out.

I look around and I’m jealous of everyone’s success. They all look like they know what they want and they’re halfway to achieving what they have always been wanting.

I feel like I’m selling myself short.

I told you what my plans were this year and you questioned me.

“How are you going to make a portfolio?”

By studying hard, dedicating 2-3 hours a day studying it and hopefully by the end of this year I have a portfolio to show. My dreams of being a front-end web developer feels so achievable but when you say things like that, it makes me rethink things.

There is no one to blame but myself.

I took the wrong path in life.

But I don’t think it’s too late to change career choices.

[s-implethoughts]

I am stupid. I applied to the place where I thought it would be amazing to work at. Lego desks, office gym, unlimited free food... But the interview was total ass. I choked. I couldn’t answer the technical questions. I got scared and closed it out and now I could never answer them. I feel fake. I feel like I don’t know anything. I thought it was an entry-level and it ended up being something I couldn’t handle. Miles technology looks like a cool place to work, but it seems like I’m under-qualified to work there.

[s-implethoughts]

I’m nervous today.

I found a company where I really want to work for. The work environment looks fun and exciting to work at. Their desks and cubicles are made out of legos, they have a kitchen stocked with free food all the time, and they have a gym. I really want to work for this company and I’ve never been this excited for an interview. I’m scared and nervous at the same time. I’m trying not to get my hopes up.

The location is near Marcus’ house, about 5 minutes away from his house. It’s a good place to start if I want to move to central jersey.

I pray and hope that I get a second interview and get this job. With the luck I had this year, I could really use this.

[s-implethoughts]

I want to die.

[s-implethoughts]

I’m worthless.

I’m a piece of shit.

I’m a terrible daughter.

I’m done trying.

[s-implethoughts]

Why is she randomly texting you out of the blue? 

Why did you ignore me completely when I was trying to have a conversation with you? 

I don’t know what to think lately. 

My mind is paranoid.

[s-implethoughts]

im falling back into depression. 

[s-implethoughts]

I’ve been feeling so depressed lately. Like yeah, I had days were I am happy but that would only last a few hours. I feel empty and anxious at the same time but I have nothing to worry about. I feel like I have no interest in any of the things that I used to love but I’m trying to love them again, it’s just I don’t care to even try. I don’t care to even try to fix what is wrong with me. Whenever I think about how empty I feel I get upset because I know I should be reaching out for help but I don’t feel like it. I just feel tired of everything. 

Maybe it’s the new birth control, but I’ve never been this depressed since high school.

[s-implethoughts]

... way to just shut me down like that...

[6281996]

I’m trying so hard, but you expect me to forget every time you make a mistake. We always party with your friends. I thought if I partied with my friends, I’d forget everything that happened between us but I can’t. I can’t blame the girl this time. I have to blame you. I blamed one of my bestest friends because of you. I blamed someone who isn’t their fault because of you… it’s not the girls fault, it’s your fault…