i don't think anyone in my real life even knows my tumblr exists anymore & i’m kinda having an emotional meltdown rn so I'm just gonna vent & try to work some things out.
I’ve spent a really long time convincing myself that I don’t care what people think. That I’m happy with who I am and that people’s judgements don’t phase me. I’ve really let it slip by me day by day, these thoughts that I don’t want people to find me weird or annoying. I’ve also convinced myself that other people won’t give back to me what I give to them. I spend so much time telling myself that I would do anything for the people in my life, and I’ve prided myself on the fact that I always do as long as I have the means to. But I tell myself that none of these people would ever do the same for me. From driving an hour and a half in the middle of the night to watch my classmate’s (who i’ve just barely become friends with) sick pet so that she can get some sleep, to sitting by my ex boyfriends hospital bed not eating or sleeping for weeks when he found out he had cancer. I’ve convinced myself that people would never do the same for me. That no one cares about me enough to return that generosity. It feels wrong to label myself as a generous person like that.. because I know there are so many other people in this world that are so much more generous than I am. But thats another issue I have with myself I guess. I always discredit myself and the things I do because I believe that there is someone somewhere out there doing it better than I am. and I’m so afraid to ask for help. Maybe not afraid, just ashamed. It feels wrong to ask for help. I don’t feel like I deserve other people’s time or money. I hate asking someone to do a favor for me because I feel like I’m burdening their day, even if on countless occasions they haven’t thought twice about burdening mine. And I don’t feel comfortable opening up to anyone, not even myself. I spend everyday in a blur of doing things so that I don’t have to face the things that are really hurting me and bothering me. I’ve spent my whole life running away from things that are too painful or upsetting to face. I’ve cut so many people out of my life because I didn’t feel like putting in the effort or emotion into working through whatever problem I had with them. I have to stop being so scared to open up to people. I have to stop convincing myself that I sound like an annoying whinny brat every time I talk about the fact that I truly am struggling. There are people in my life who care and who want to listen and help, but I’m keeping myself from having a real relationship with them because I’m too embarrassed to say that I’m constantly hurting. So I suppress, suppress, suppress. There are so many hurt feelings and emotions that I haven’t faced because I’m too embarrassed to open up to anyone. I’m built up this wall around me, so tall and thick that I’ve even started to close out myself. I don’t even face my problems in my own mind, so much so that whenever I start to think about them or talk about them they all start rushing out in a giant blur of emotions and words that I can’t even make sense of. I’ve really let myself become a jumbled mess deep in my own head and I’m afraid I’m so deep in it now that I’ll never be able to get out of it. I feel stuck. I feel like I’m drowning in my own mind. I need help. I need help but I feel like my life is too busy and other things are more of a priority and I don’t have time to stop and ask for help. So I’ll continue to do what I’m doing. I’ll continue to go to work and school every day and when someone asks if i’m okay I’ll continue to say yes. I’ll say yes over and over and suppress and suppress until I break. And hopefully then I won’t be too afraid to ask for help, because I know if I don’t then no one will come to save me. Even now I can’t cry because I’ve suppressed so much that I’m numb. I’m numb to my emotions and I don’t know how to start feeling again. I’m not suicidal either, I enjoy being alive and I’m actually quite terrified of death. I just feel very stuck, very lost, very numb, and very alone. And I don’t know where to go from here.
