s333vil

[s333vil]

the self inside the self who hates the self;

not outside my own, o', departure

and this machine which takes itself apart

forthright to the assembly

[s333vil]

dreams 04

1. i was in a therapy program for gods, and i had to distress-tolerate everything in the world.

2. i don't remember much about this one; i was navigating this maze-like building. a png of an anime girl was projected onto the walls, following me, repeatedly saying "you already know what it is."

[s333vil]

dreams 03

i was at a large, busy aquarium by myself. most of the tanks had multiple dead fish in them. the largest was a freshwater tank the height and length of the building, constructed so that it integrates itself around the other exhibits. at one point i was examining a map of the place, and there was this woman with her three year-old son standing next to me. she was tracing the tank's path on the map with her finger and saying stuff like "isn't it wonderful?" to her kid.

the second-largest tank in the aquarium had a black and white octopus with jellyfish-like tendrils alongside the tentacles (which were a few inches in circumference and maybe 15~20ft long). it was lightly tossing the corpse of an employee around the tank, and i could see pieces of skin peeling off the body as it went.

a much smaller tank nearby (out in the open with no lid on it) housed a few tiny versions of the same octopus. their main bodies were about the size of a thumbprint. i picked one out and, using a pocket knife i had on me, cut its tendrils off and shortened its tentacles to be the same shape as a starfish. i let it hang out in my hand while i finished looking around the aquarium.

when i got home, i got in VC with some ex-friends of mine who had their webcams on. one of them had a saltwater aquarium in their room (my dream made this detail up about them). while we were talking, they were grabbing yellow tangs live out of the tank and eating them raw. just biting into them like slices of bread.

[s333vil]

being used as a conduct-reference; i don't feel good. i don't feel powerful. i'm in free-fall.

which shards of mine stark any one person isn't a choice i have. who likes us when we're motionless on the floor? still looking.

[s333vil]

as such, everything unravels into deliverance of rationality.

[s333vil]

3/21/2026

i don't have autonomy. i don't deserve autonomy. i shouldn't be trusted with autonomy. i can't talk about this. i'm not supposed to talk about these things. it's inappropriate to talk about these things. it's manipulative to talk about these things. it hurts too many people. please do the right thing and let me succumb in isolation. let it be the fault that it is. i don't want it to be. that's reality. i'm bad, so that's reality.

why are you? explain yourselves one day.

reality is rejecting me like a transplanted limb. i can't exist here. i can't exist anymore. i'll spread some kind of infection.

[s333vil]

dreams 02

1. it was just a still photo of a concrete stairwell in an abandoned building. the wall facing the camera had thin black graffiti on it that read "sensual ketamine" with an arrow pointing up to the second floor.

2. i was filling out an online therapy intake form. the first field asked which diagnosis i was seeking help for (i put BPD.) the second field, which was required, asked me to specify which BPD subtype i have. the options were N/A, 1PD, 2PD and 3PD.

[s333vil]

dreams 01

march 16: i was tailing a group on a guided tour of a small art gallery/museum. the walls, exhibitions, stands, everything was made of porous flesh and tendons. i was fully aware that i was dreaming, but i didn't have any autonomy to engage with the dream because i was following the group.

march 17: i got multiple rounds of sleep paralysis with short, vivid dreams that i can't remember anymore. once my body fully fell asleep, i started dreaming about conversations with my gf and misc. people i've known from the past; multiple different scenarios overlapping each other, kinda. i was both aware that i was dreaming and "consciously" awake the whole time, if that makes sense. once my body woke up, the only dream i could remember was the one where my gf was crying, pissed at me for how i've been acting since we started dating. i couldn't tell at all whether the part i remembered had actually happened or not at first, but my gf confirmed it had been a dream.

march 18: i was alone, walking around a family home with eight stories to it, iirc. everything was lit by middle-of-the-night full moonlight and nothing else. the place was cluttered and expansive. all the furniture, framed photos on the walls, bookshelves, collectables, etc. looked like that early generative AI stuff where you'd think you're looking at an image of some items until you actually look at it up-close.