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In Philly I was dying,

In Florida I found myself,

In Perkasie i began healing...again.

It's just feels like one really long day since you've left. I honestly don't know how much time has passed, maybe 4 years? Truthfully i dont know. I'm pretty much fully active in my addiction again. I just want things to end. Was awake for 4 days driving around for 23 hours straight getting high in my car. No water, my urine is tea colored again and my legs are in pain and swollen. Rhabdo for probably the 6th time. Not going to the hospital this time, it doesnt seem so bad this time. it'll work itself out.

I pray that you find peace for the things that trouble you. I pray that life gives you everything youve ever wanted, things beyond you're wildest dreams. Pray for me for I am sick. I'm lucky if I weigh 160lbs. I'm going to die down here thats not okay but it's fine I guess.

I honestly don't know how much time has passed. Each day blends into the next and everything seems like such a blurr. I've had rhabdomyolysis 5 times since and 3 of which times my kidneys shut down. In the past 3 months I lost well over 40 lbs, idk if I'm sick or stressed. No longer in recovery, no longer in school. Less than drifting. Can't say I'm biding time because I don't know which way life is heading. I've made a commitment to be with alyson around the end of the year. I need her more than she needs me and most of the time I feel like she is all I have. Life goes on I just hope this time next year I can be with my daughter somewhere in ohio on a soccer field.

It's been a rough year. I still think about you alot. Not all the time but nearly all the time. Last month I was in the hospital for 10 days with rhabdomyolysis, due to drugs. I missed alyson's birthday and withdrew from FAU. I spent this whole year in bed depressed; isolated. I still have the book and the test amongst other affects but their time is limited. Now I see a therapist twice a week, attempting to go to meetings again and socialize with my friends. I've decided to fight again, for my life, happiness and future. I hope you are well, wherever you are.

In this chapter, I lose everything..

stream

Se7en (1995) dir. David Fincher

I guess, I'll get over it. Maybe not right now, but hopefully sometime soon. When I get back to Florida I intend on finding a way out to sea and tossing the book as well as the pregnancy test in for them to sink to the bottom of the ocean. I guess rightfully I ought be the last to touch them till the end of time. Charlie deserved to exist but I can't hold these affects, they're killing me. I can't burn it or throw it away so this will suffice. It was worse the first time. I'll get over it.

unbotheredmuse

ritikajyala

There'll be a moment when you realise you're 27 when yesterday you were just 17; and you wouldn't be able to tell how a decade passed away and your life got divided into before and afters. The fury of youth will subdue and nothing will really change but everything will feel different when you look at old photographs and blurry videos taken on cheap mobile phones. Scents will remind you of childhood and certain friends you don't talk to anymore, hangouts will become reunions and mom's burnt pie will become the best food you ever had. And I know on some days you won't be able to show anything of those 10 years but I hope you remember to breathe, and let go of the knot in your chest. I hope you go out in the sun and live a little, because tomorrow is 37.

Edit- I added the visualizer for this piece on my YT, check it out here

-Ritika Jyala, excerpt from The Flesh I Burned