Reflections

Thoughts of a Wife - Mother - Believer

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Double Standard

So, let me get this straight...

If a "Muslim" openly kills innocent people, it's referred to as "terrorism" -- even if politics are not involved -- and freedom is in jeopardy.

If anyone else openly kills innocent people, it's referred to as "mental health issue and gun law reform".

Got it.

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Re-climb in Progress

I’ve changed. Quite a bit. It’s a very drastic change, in the most subtle way.

The people closest to me have “noticed”. Some have applauded me and my efforts - I feel joy and pray that God sees me, too. Others have belittled me - causing me to, for a moment, rethink my intentions.

But it's not anyone's business. My evolution (of sorts) isn't for the pleasure of any person. Even though I am bound to people through loving relations, this change is still just for me.

But... I feel held back. I let the Debbie Downers pull me down with them. It's like I reach the top of a mountain, but suddenly lose my grip and tumble down.

Not only does the "re-climb" feel harder, but a little painful. 'Cause now I'm hurt by the naysayers in my life. The people who chose to disregard anything having to do with "me".

God, give me strength.

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Powerful Tips for the Last 10 Nights

Powerful Tips for the Last 10 Nights: 1. Do not let your 'performance' until now affect your last 10 days. The moment of forgiveness could be today or anytime in the coming days! It is not all lost! If you sincerely wish it could have been better - Chin up and get ready to make it your best yet! Start with a positive, sincere intention! 2. Today, take a little time to read the Tafseer of Surah al-Qadr to understand what actually happens this night! You will feel its power & greatness so much more! 3. Do not wait for the 27th Night to give it your "all". The entire last 10 days should be your target. Stay up each night! Would you want to miss Laylatul Qadr even "by chance"? 4. Do not fall into any innovations/celebrations any masjid or culture might try to promote. Follow the Sunnah! The Prophet (sallAllahu 'alaihi wa sallam) guided us simply: "Whoever stays up and prays on Laylat al-Qadr out of faith and in the hope of reward, his previous sins will be forgiven.” 5. Memorize and keep asking the dua' taught by Rasulullah (sallAllahu 'alaihi wa sallam): Allaahumma innaka ‘afuwwun tuhibb al-‘afwa fa’affu ‘anni (O Allaah, You are forgiving and You love forgiveness, so forgive me). 6. Prepare a short dua' list. Remember this is as awesome as it ever gets for a servant of Allah! The Night of Qadr, of Destiny! Consciously pick each and everything you crucially wish for in this dunya, in your deen, family, and in your aakhirah! Don't forget to include the brothers and sisters around the world who are suffering and in grief! 7. Take brief naps during the day, if possible. Keep your stomach light and sleep as soon as you have prayed 'isha. Do not delay! After a brief nap, refresh yourself and get ready for worship. 8. Don't neglect your family! Rasulullah made it a point to wake up his wives throughout these nights! And yes, your children are not too young to stay up some part of the night - if they can be allowed to play video games or watch TV, they can be inspired to be up atleast for sometime! Prepare them, make them excited, plan some activities for them to do! 9. Look the Part: The way we dress and prepare has a big effect on our psychology. Wear your best, perfume yourself, and feel the energy! 10. Choose a spot, whether in the Masjid or in your home, where you can have peace and solitude. Keep your mushaf, praying mat, and water at hand so that you are not distracted by constantly getting up for this or that. 11. IMP: This is not the night to tweet pics or update FB statuses about how amazing the night is and how you are feeling & worshipping Allah! Let that be a secret between you & your Rabb! So switch off those phones, wifi, laptops and computers. Disconnect with the world, and connect with al-'Afuww! 12. If you find yourself feeling sleepy, vary your acts of worship. Alternate between qiyaam, heartfelt dua'a, reading the Qur'an. Do not spend the night listening to lectures or recitations. Or do it only for a short while when you feel the sleep coming on! 13. Patience is the Key: The last 10 days might be tiring. You might still have work or school. This is the time to bear all that hardship, and keep firm sabr. Think how Allah has blessed you with this tremendous opportunity that might NEVER come again in your life again. If you knew for sure that this was your last ‪#‎Ramadan‬, if you knew certainly that Jannah was up for grabs, wouldn't you sprint for it no matter what it takes? 14. This is most important: Keep husn adh-dhann bi Allah (good expectations from Allah). When you ask, remember you are asking the Most Generous King. If you hope for the best, He will give you the best. Don't hold back. Trust in Him, pour out your heart in front of Him, and let no doubt, no barrier, no evil thoughts keep you away from ar-Rahman, ar-Raheem!

From: Tawfique Chowdhury

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Ramadan Reflection: Qur'an

I read this on facebook and found it to be very inspirational...

"An old Australian Muslim lived on a farm in the mountains of Victoria with his young grandson. Grandfather was a really humble and wise man. That is why he was an inspiration of his grandson. Each morning when grandson woke up, he always found his grandpa already awake and sitting at the kitchen table reading his Quran after praying his fajr. His grandson wanted to be just like him and tried to imitate him in every way he could. One cold day both of them were following the same routine. After, grandpa got up to put some coal in the stove. Meanwhile in a deep thought the grandson asked, ‘Grandpa! I try to read the Quran just like you but I don’t understand it, and even if I do understand anything I usually forget as soon as I close the book. What good does reading the Qur’an do?’ The Grandfather quietly turned from putting coal in the stove and replied, ‘Take this coal basket down to the river and bring me back a basket of water.’ The boy went to the river in surprise that how could one bring water in a basket having such holes, but did as he was told. But all the water leaked out before he got back to the house. The grandfather laughed and said, ‘You’ll have to move a little faster next time,’ and sent him back to the river with the basket to try again. This time the boy ran faster, but again the basket was empty before he returned home. Out of breath, he told his grandfather that it was impossible to carry water in a basket, and he went to get a bucket instead. The old man said, ‘I don’t want a bucket of water; I want a basket of water. You’re just not trying hard enough,’ and he went out the door to watch the boy try again. At this point, the boy knew it was impossible, but he wanted to show his grandfather that even if he ran as fast as he could, the water would leak out before he reached back to the house. The boy again dipped the basket into river and ran as hard as he could, but when he reached his grandfather the basket was again empty! Out of breath, he said, ‘See Grandpa, I told you ! it’s useless!’ ‘So you think it is useless?’ The old man said, ‘Look at the basket.’ The boy looked at the basket and for the first time realized that the basket was different. It had been transformed from a dirty old coal basket and was now clean, inside and out. ‘Son, that’s what happens when you read the Quran. Quran cleans the heart, You might not understand or remember everything, but when you read it, you will be changed, inside and out. That is the work of Allah in our lives, reading Quran purifies the heart. So even if you don’t see any clearly visible output, do not stop trying. You never know what hidden improvements or changes are going on because of your effort."

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Ramadan Reflection: Salah

Salah: Life's Forgotten Purpose

"Man has taken many journeys throughout time. But there is one journey that nobody has ever taken.

Nobody—except one.

On a vehicle no man has ever ridden, through a path no soul has ever seen. To a place no creation has ever before set foot. It was the journey of one man to meet the Divine. It was the journey of Muhammad ﷺ, prophet of God, to the highest heaven.

It was al Israa wal Miraaj (the magnificent journey).

On that journey Allah took his beloved prophet ﷺ to the seventh heaven—a place not even angel Gibreel could enter. In the Prophet’s mission on earth, every instruction, every commandment was sent down through angel Gibreel. But, there was one commandment that was not. There was one commandment so important, that rather than sending angel Gibreel down with it, Allah brought the Prophet ﷺ up to Himself.

That commandment was salah (prayer). When the Prophet ﷺ was first given the command to pray, it was to be fifty times in a day. After asking Allah to make it easier, the commandment was eventually reduced to five times a day, with the reward of the fifty.

Reflecting upon this incident scholars have explained that the process of going from fifty to five was a deliberate one, intended to teach us the true place salah should hold in our lives. Imagine for a moment actually praying fifty times a day. Would we be able to do anything else but pray? No. And that’s the point. What greater way than that to illustrate our life’s true purpose? As if to say, salah is our real life; all the rest that we fill our day with…just motions.

And yet, we live as if it’s exactly the opposite. Salah is something we squeeze into our day, when we find time—if that. Our ‘lives’ don’t revolve around salah. Salah revolves around our ‘lives.’ If we’re in class, salah is an afterthought. If we’re at the mall, the Macy’s sale is more urgent. Something is seriously wrong when we put aside the very purpose of our existence in order to watch a basketball game.

And that is for those who even pray at all. There are those who have not only put aside their life’s purpose, they have abandoned it completely. What we often don’t realize about the abandonment of salah is this: No scholar has ever held the opinion that committing zina (fornication) makes you a disbeliever. No scholar has ever held the opinion that stealing, drinking or taking drugs makes you a disbeliever. No scholar has even claimed that murder makes you a non-Muslim. But, about salah, some scholars have said he who abandons it, is no longer Muslim. This is said based on ahadith such as this one: “The covenant between us and them is prayer, so if anyone abandons it, he has become a disbeliever.” [Ahmad]

Imagine an act so egregious that the Prophet ﷺ would speak about it is such a way. Consider for a moment what satan did wrong. He didn’t refuse to believe in Allah. He refused to make one sajdah. Just one. Imagine all the sajdahs we refuse to make.

Consider the seriousness of such a refusal. And yet, think how lightly we take the matter of salah. Salah is the first thing we will be asked about on the Day of Judgment, and yet it is the last thing that is on our mind. The Prophet ﷺ said: “The first thing which will be judged among a man’s deeds on the Day of Resurrection is the Prayer. If this is in good order then he will succeed and prosper but if it is defective then he will fail and will be a loser.” [Tirmidhi]

On that Day, the people of paradise will ask those who have entered Hell-fire, why they have entered it. And the Qur’an tells us exactly what their first response will be: ”What led you into Hell Fire? They will say: ‘We were not of those who prayed.’” (Qur’an, 74:42-43)

How many of us will be among those who say “we were not of those who prayed, or we were not of those who prayed on time, or we were not of those who made prayer any priority in our lives?” Why is it that if we’re in class or at work or fast asleep at the time of fajr and we need to use the restroom, we make time for that? In fact, the question almost sounds absurd. We don’t even consider it an option not to. And even if we were taking the most important exam of our lives, when we need to go, we will go. Why? Because the potentially mortifying consequences of not going, makes it a non-option.

There are many people who say they don’t have time to pray at work or school, or while they’re out. But how many have ever said they don’t have time to go to the bathroom, so while out, at work or school have opted instead to just wear Depends? How many of us just don’t feel like waking up at Fajr time if we need to use the bathroom, and choose instead to wet our bed? The truth is we’ll get out of bed, or leave class, or stop work, to use the bathroom, but not to pray.

It sounds comical, but the truth is we put the needs of our body above the needs of our soul. We feed our bodies, because if we didn’t, we’d die. But so many of us starve our souls, forgetting that if we are not praying our soul is dead. And ironically, the body that we tend to is only temporary, while the soul that we neglect is eternal."

Yasmin Mogahed

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Ramadan Reflection: Giving Up Control

Control is a catalyst for anxiety. It fuels the fire. Normal behavior is interrupted by a controling nature - so just imagine what would happen to an anxious person.

I had this epiphany as I was getting my kids ready this morning. It was a very strange “train of thought" - which is not unusual for me - but it began with matching my daughter’s navy blue dress to my son’s plaid shorts…and ended at death and not knowing when or where or how.

Ridiculous, I know. There’s a back story to it, though. Without going into too much detail, I will just say that I had a horrid dream which induced my first real life anxiety/panic attack. And the details of it revolve around “the end."

As Muslims we believe in a life after death. We are repeatedly reminded that this life is a temporary stop. We have to prepare for our eternity during this time. And most importantly “to Him we belong and to Him shall we return."

So for me, being an incy bit controling, I realized that the root cause for my anxiety is the “not knowing" or not having any kind of “say so".

I can dress my family and handle my worldly affairs till my face turns blue - because these things are in my hands. But I need to give up this particular kind of control and always remember that the Almighty is the best of Planners. I think that, somehow, the line between the two got blurred.

I pray that I can do my best to prepare for my life after death and that Allah SWT accept my efforts. This is something I have 100% control over. The rest…well, I just have to leave it to God and know that He will always have my back.

It's like the hadith (I think...will add reference when I find one. Heard this in college) of the man in the dessert - he left his camel and walked away. When the Prophet SAW asked him why he didn't tie his animal, the man replied that he has trust in Allah. The Prophet SAW responded by advising him to first tie his camel and then put his trust in Allah. Moral: We have to do our part before we can expect anything in return.

And I’m so grateful that all this is happening during this blessed month of reflection and redemption. :)

[sabziblues]

Ode to the Insecure

Insecurities are very much alive in all of us. We often wonder, worry, and - most of the time - assume that there is something lacking somewhere within our lives.

One major insecurity is "success" - How to get to the top. How to make the "right" kind of friends. How to be diplomatic yet a schemer and (to be honest) a troll, all at the same time. (This isn't the only major issue, just one I've been thinking of...)

Because even though we all struggle with it, the people who act on their insecurities are in a whole other playing field.

To the openly-insecure, It's really not a good look on you. So, for that moment you miiiiight think your mind games and trickery are working, but at the end of the day - you are still the same. You haven't benefited from anything. You haven't changed people's perceptions about yourself. And most importantly, you haven't convinced anyone that you aren't fighting your own insecurities.

Try to find peace within yourself so that the insecurity you feel, doesn't define who you are.

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Ramadan Reflection: Start With Foundation

Alhumdulillah - I am so grateful for the opportunity to welcome another Ramadan. May Allah SWT bless you all and help you achieve all your Ramadan goals with reward and mercy.

Today, just like past Ramadans, I found myself thinking of ways to teach my kids how important Ramadan is. I kept wondering why it was so hard for me to keep them “islamically" busy throughout the day — and today was just the first day of fasting! (Also, my kids are only 5 and 2…)

Then it occurred to me…after all the researching on pinterest and other blogs, after all the worksheets are colored and crafts are dried…our kids are, first and foremost, going to learn by our example.

I remember growing up with simple traditions during Ramadan. Fasting was a must - Florida sun and school days were no excuse. And if we couldn’t get up for suhoor, Mom would bring a tall glass of warm milk to hold us over until iftar. And preparation of iftar was a family affair - loaded with chicken patties, egg rolls, keema samosas, fruit chaat…the works. Qur’an recitation and taraweeh prayer were our individual responsibilities.

There was nothing fancy shamncy about it. Simple. Basic. The foundation of Ramadan. And, oh how I appreciate that - and my Mom for instilling it in me. Because as Ramadan approaches, I get giddy. It’s my “most wonderful time of the year." I have such great hopes for Allah SWT’s mercy and blessings.

So, after the lights are hung, calendars are posted, and activities are prepared…I realized that, (inshaAllah) eventually, these kids will have a great foundation because of the “simple traditions" we are - and will (inshaAllah) continue to - share with them. Every time we do dhikr aloud, pray in jamaat, and give in charity - the kids are watching, participating, and learning (inshaAllah).

Ramadan Mubarak to you. Please remember my family and I in your sincere prayers.

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Expect More, Pay Nothing!

So, the argument is: Girls shouldn’t fantasize about relationships they see in the movies and on tv shows. It’s fake. It’s just acting. It’s not what happens in real life. I, however, think it’s a little absurd. The only thing movies and shows are depicting are events that viewers want to see. Something relatable. And there is obviously a reason why someone out there coined the term “chick flick." If anything, the male characters from *good* movies should be a guide for “real world" men. The way Gatsby looks at his lady. All of Serendipity, P.S. I Love You, and Ever After. Rapunzel (especially the part when she gets her hair braided). Perfect Derek and kinda crazy Maradith from Grey’s Anatomy. Very confused Fitz and equally confused Olivia Pope from Scandal. Ridiculously adorable Phil Dunfy from Modern Family. Etc. Etc. All girls want to be “woo-ed". Holding hands, googly eyed stares, spontaneity, love, laughter, and respect — these all go a long way and they don’t cost a penny! The point is: Rather than telling women to expect the very least from their men — we should be telling men to be the best for and to their ladies!

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Life Lessons of My Heart

Life is too short to wait for things to happen; for words to go unspoken; for love to stay hidden in the deep shadows of the heart. Fight for what is right and do it right now. Live this life to the fullest and do it with humility, piety, honesty, integrity, and respect. Love with every fiber in your being. Forgive with every tear that is shed. Think positively, listen with an open mind, and speak with a careful tongue. Be grateful for all the blessings and be gracious during times of hardship. Spread peace. Show love. Do not worry, for Allah knows what is deep in the heart. And what He wills to be, shall be.

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A "Terrific Two" Moment

All Lil’ Man and I do these days is bump heads. He only wants to do things that are ridiculous…and would probably hurt. Most likely for the attention. “Terrible Two’s", indeed. Today, however, I got to share a special moment with him.

Since he’s #2 to a girly girl (who is 5)…he has honestly gotten jipped on some of the finer things in his toddler life. They also kind of share a room. She refuses to let him touch - forget share - any of her toys. And sometimes she even gets upset over *his* toys because they live in *her* room - which make them her’s automatically?

I thought maybe he could use his own space? Knowing that sibling rivalry is a lifelong occupational hazard (being the youngest of four), I figured a little alone time might help. But it wasn’t the alone time he needed…it was the quality time that helped him.

For a little while he and I ignored Lil’ Miss and started moving his toy baskets into the empy guest room. We decorated *his* bed with his cute collection of plush toys. We put his name banner (from the streets of NYC) over the closet. And decorated the armour with his Lion King figurines.

I asked him if he needed anything else…his cute answer was “Mimi’s fishies". So we took her rotating fish lamp…she won’t notice.

Then, as we stood admiring his new space, he said “what about my clothes, Mama?" He asked and I had to deliver. While he napped, in his new room, I completed his closet.

After his nap, we all played in my Lil Guy’s room. We crashed cars and rescued monkeys - nice change from the usual princess games :)

Then…here it comes…he hugged me and said “thank you, Mommy!"

Who dare call my Baby Boy terrible! ;)

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The Vicious Grudge

Can you really forgive AND forget? Can you successfully forgive, not forget, but still move forward? Or is the majority forgiving, but holding on to a grudge (or two, or five). I think realistically, it’s the latter. Because, regardless of the relationship, when good times go sour…all the ill will and past complaints come tumbling into the present day. What happened to the “I’m sorry” followed by the “it’s okay”? I’ll tell you what…nothing happened to it, because it was never really “okay”. What was it then? — an “it’s okay, for now…but you better watch your back!” And were they really “sorry” to begin with? I feel like so many use this term of remorse as a quick patch up. In my eyes, when you say sorry, you should mean it. And mentally note the action (that caused said remorse) and NEVER do it again. [Only in the perfect scenario, right? Yeah, right.] All this lack of sincerity leads to those vicious grudges. And I realized today that I am guilty of this act. The inability to let things go. The disbelief that someone who “hurt” me once could be anything other than a two-faced-faker. [And of course I have standards…I don’t go crying about every other thing -_-] How to prevent a grudge? I think it’s when you can be true to yourself when you say “I don’t care what they said/did…I’m okay.” Keep it out of your heart (as an ill will) and it’ll probably stay out of your mind (as a bad memory). Life is way too short to not love it and the people we share it with. A reminder and lesson for myself, first.

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He is the Best of Planners

We had to make an emergency trip to the in-laws. My father in law was admitted in the hospital with severe stomach pain. That pain was diagnosed as pancreatitis, but while he was there, he found out that he has stomach cancer - from the biopsy report of a routine check up a few days prior. He is such a hard working man. He would do anything for his family…and if you share any kind of bond with him - you’re family. And my father in law is probably the most ideal son in every parent’s eyes…nothing and nobody comes before his Ami and Abba. And after 40+ years of working as a Respiratory Therapist, he was getting ready to retire. July 4th was the day — he referred to it as his very own “independence day.” But Allah SWT is the Best of Planners. Indeed He is. Now, my father in law has a long list of health related tasks ahead. Alhumdulillah the cancer hadn’t spread, but precautionary measures must be taken. With the support of his family and friends, and lots of prayers, God Willing he will keep going strong. This was a shock to everyone. Who knew something like this would happen? This is the prime example of “no one knows what tomorrow will hold.” I have lived the life of planning one thing, but something else happening. God Almighty has made special arrangements for us. It’s hard to understand how certain life events can be “good” or “beneficial” for us, but it’s best to always keep faith. After all, why would He who created humanity want to inflict pain and hardship just ‘cause? Allah SWT wouldn’t. He the Almighty doesn’t. It’s all to bring us closer to Him. To trust Allah that whatever is happening is in some way good for us — if not in this life, then God Willing, in the Here After. To everyone going through something - anything - May Allah SWT ease your pain, suffering, distress, and confusion and do what is in your best interest. Aameen. Please remember my father in law on your prayers. Jazak Allah.

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June 19, 1995

This was the day. The most tragic and traumatic event I have every had to experience.

I'm not sure how or why I have two separate memories - like I was in two places at once.

I remember finding out that my Pappa had passed away by some random lady. I was spending the night at an aunt's house while my father was hospitalized. I was with my aunt when she took me to this lady's house - who also lived in our neighborhood. After my aunt introduced me to this woman, she asked, "Does she know her father has passed away?" She said it in urdu and used a specific word that I remembered from Bollywood movies "inthaqaal." I began begging to go home.

Once I arrived, I ran through the door and saw everyone sitting. I ran to my sister. My mom had my sister help me change into appropriate clothing - I even remember my outfit that day; a navy shirt with daisies and matching yellow shorts. I changed into navy blue shalwar kameez with a green floral print.

My second memory is of my mom arriving home from the hospital. The garage was open and everyone was gathered. My mom could barely hold herself up without support. Our neighbor was working on his yard when she pulled up. He was good friends with my dad. He came to comfort my mom. [This is what my sister remembers, too. Maybe I just have this in my mind after being told by someone.]

My sister, only 15 at the time, was handling all the phone calls. She was informing everyone in the states and abroad of our father's passing. This still baffles me to this day. What a huge responsibility for a grieving, sad, frightened, probably very confused 15 year old to have...to answer the phone and confirm the death of her beloved father. Allah SWT gave my big sister so much strength -- to step up and assume responsibility of things that Mummy just couldn't handle at the time.

We had some family also flying in to attend the funeral, which was being held the next day. I remember sitting in the funeral home. My brother, 11 years old, was just walking around Pappa's coffin. I remember sitting farther back, not wanting to look at my Pappa's face. My aunt made me look before he was taken away.

For a long time I was upset about having seen his face, because that's the last image I remember. But now, I am content. If I hadn't seen him in his coffin, I would have remembered him hooked up to all the machines with a tube down his throat.

When I think back at the time I saw him, he was at peace. He looked the same. His thick brown hair, parted down the center. Sweet face in slumber. Covered in white cloth. I'm glad I saw him.

His janaza prayer was at our local masjid, it was raining a little. My sister and I watched from the second floor window. How short is life -- when you are born, the adhaan is given into newborn ears...and your namaz-e-janaza is performed for you at your death.

After his burial, life went on. It had to. My mom had to "get a grip" for her kids. She is the strongest woman I know. My hero. My everything. She raised four kids on her own longer than she did with a spouse. She is truly amazing. I am so thankful to Allah for her and I pray that He keep her healthy and happy always - Aameen.

Some very significant memories I have are from the night of my father's funeral. One is of me just laying on my bed. I was staring out the window. I could hear the birds chirping, but it was no normal chirp... they seemed to be chirping to the tune of that saliva machine's alarm that was hooked up to my dad. My grandmother came in, she was grieving her son's death, and she tried to shake me out from my trance.

Another memory is of my uncle -- walking down the hall at bed time, just like my Pappa used to. My uncle, just like my dad, was wearing his slack pants and a white undershirt tucked in...jingling the change in his pocket. Just like my Pappa used to.

I still hear the alarm some times. I can't mimic it, but when I hear it, I know. I can also smell the hospital room. It had such a distinct smell.

18 years have passed. I was a little 10 year old when Pappa passed away. I am 28 years old today. Of course I have missed my father through all the triumphs and tribulations - Elementary, middle, and high school graduations. Hardships. College. Confusions. Marriage. The births of my children. Illnesses. - but death comes to everyone. We just have to be ready.

Inna Lillahi Wa Inna Ilahi Raji’oon إِنَّا لِلّهِ وَإِنَّـا إِلَيْهِ رَاجِعونَ Surely we belong to Allah and to Him shall we return

May Allah SWT grant my father the highest level in jannah and forgive his shortcomings. Aameen.

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June 18, 1995 - Father's Day

After suffering from a heart attack, Pappa had been paralyzed and was going on Day 7. I'm not sure what the doctor's did or didn't do, but he wasn't getting any better.

My brother and I weren't allowed to visit our father because he was admitted into the Intensive Care Unit and we were very young. Regardless, I remember my mom telling the nurses that we need to see our father and they allowed it.

It was Father's Day. I had just finished 4th grade, where I made him a card to celebrate the occasion. I took him my card to put at the side of his bed...where there was very little room to display anything. It read "You are the best father in the hole soler system... I love you... Happy Father's Day."

I remember his hospital room. It was small. Very grey. It had a distinct smell. My grandmother sat at the foot of Pappa's hospital bed reciting the Holy Qur'an aloud so her son could hear. Pappa had been hooked up to many machines. He had a balloon pump to pump his heart. He had a tube down his throat with an alarm that would sound when his saliva was backing up.

My mom said that even though Pappa was paralyzed, he could still hear us. I'm sure I said something to him, but I cannot remember what. I try my best to go back to that room, to remember my last words to him, but I get nothing. I cannot hear myself saying anything.

Whatever my brother and I were saying, Pappa was responding. He wiggled his toes a little. Just a little, but I knew he could hear us. And as we left and we said "Allah Hafiz" to him, he poked his tongue out enough for us to see. I remember being so happy. I remember feeling some relief because if he could hear us and was attempting to communicate, that he would be better soon.

That day felt like a good day. I will never forget it.

I still have that last Father's Day card.