whatever i guess

hi, i'm lenah and i'm failing life | 18+ | she/her | autistic and struggling with an ed | trigger warning

[sad-momentum]

I have a little challenge for you (no pressure though) :3. Think of at least one reason to stay alive each day. It can be as little or as big as you want. I'll go first: my reason today is all the art I have yet to create. Take care my marvelous moot.

This is indeed a really hard challenge, because politics scare the living shite out of me and make me wanna leave this planet... But I will give it a try.

My reason today was playing Meccha Chameleon for the first time, it was fun, I played for like 4 hours straight 😅

If you guys want to, write your reasons in the comments 😊

And heck yes to creating art 🎨

[lilithhhm]

i hope one day i’ll finally have the courage to kill myself

[sad-momentum]

You are so much more than what your ED says about you (trust me, I pinky promise).

Thank you 🫶🏻

Sometimes I even struggle to believe, that I do have an eating disorder, because I usually eat pretty normal. But the thoughts are still there, so maybe I do have one. Idk.

[sad-momentum]

Thank you for staying alive <3

awwww, this came out of nowhere, but honestly, it made my day, because I've been struggling a lot lately. thank you so much for taking the time to message me. sometimes a small, tiny act from a stranger can help someone else a lot! 🫶🏻

[sad-momentum]

ootd, once again, be honest, does my body look alright?

[sad-momentum]

yesterday my parents and i have been talking about people from school and if I knew anything about the stuff they are doing now. and I told them, that the girl who had the best grades in our year is pretty successful, as one would expect with these grades. like, she lived a pretty perfect life so far. due to the conversation I tried looking up some people on social media only to find out, that this girl is batteling me/cfs now. she wasn't always nice to me in school, but these news genuinely shocked me and I am hardly shocked. my life has never been really great, due to disabilities and chronic illnesses, but i am used to it, I don't know it any differently. but she pretty much almost always had the perfect life and now it's over for her. this must suck so badly and it's so weird to think about the fact, that my life is suddenly better than hers, even though my life sucks a lot most of the time. but getting hit with me/cfs when you never dealt with anything before, I feel like that's a lot harder than already having a bunch of diagnosis that make life hard and getting yet another one. idk, I've been thinking about this a lot the past few hours. I hope science will find a cure quickly, so she and other people can get treatment.

[somewherepastokay]

[sad-momentum]

holy fucking shit, I knew I was struggling with an autistic burnout but fuck my life I was not aware of how bad it actually is until now.

so I went to the doctors on tuesday to get a sick note and since monday I kept telling myself "just one more day, then you're free". and since monday I've also been in pain, probably due to the extremely hot weather?

anyway, I got my sick note on tuesday and ever since all of my pain areas have been flaring up, especially my right ankle (getting that checked out again and mentally preparing for the operation I should have gotten last fall but I chickened out).

and I've been getting up to 5 meltdowns a day since tuesday, because I can finally let go, I don't have to mask anymore and apparently I have no fucking resources left to deal with the pain and heat.

but the amount of meltdowns made me realise just how badly I've been doing and how much I suck at noticing that.

[sad-momentum]

I just had a one hour long meltdown, because I might have to get surgery again. I am fucking afraid of surgeries. Meltdowns and surgeries -100/10, do not recommend.

[sad-momentum]

i dont think you need to lose weight, your thighs look skinny enough. maybe do like flat stomach workouts + arm workouts

Lol, I go bouldering, I hope my arms are fine 😅 (picture down below)

[sad-momentum]

be so for real pls, do i look okay or do i need to lose weight? (pic below)

[katieron]

[sad-momentum]

Oh no, it's never a good sign when I start dreaming about work after I've been to work. It's usually a sign that I am completely and utterly overstimulated and overwhelmed and need 2-4 weeks of a break to regulate again. But I'm so fucking afraid to call in sick at work for so long, it terrifies me and it makes me feel like I've failed. I know my autism therapist keeps telling me to go to the doctor and call in sick, she knows damn well I need the break, but I am so fucking afraid to do that...

[sad-momentum]

ugh, my anxiety is spiking again today...

[konoko]

[konoko]

[vagathathegreat]

Always remember who started to fight back first. Intersectionalty is so important!