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Somebody please just tell me what’s wrong with me already

And don’t say there’s not because if that was the case, I wouldn’t feel rejected by literally everybody in my life. I’m not special to anybody. And the actions, or lack there of, prove it. Words aren’t needed.

Somebody please just tell me what to fix

Will I truly ever be a priority to someone?

Probably not.

I’m so glad that I prepare myself for disappointment for anything because again, I was right. As always.

Just when I think things are getting better, something new happens.

My mom chose drugs and alcohol over our family. She left, tried to destroy everything we have, doesn’t want to talk to any of us, and would rather hold up this false image of herself to her dealer friends than to admit she has a problem and made mistakes to maintain the family and life that she had.

But she threw it all away and has damaged it beyond repair. And now we’re all left to try and out together a picture that will never ever be the same.

I miss my fucking mom. I love her so much but she loves drugs more than me. Enough she tried to throw all my dirty laundry out there to try and avoid the fact she’s destroying her owl life. She tried to destroy mine too.

Nothing can take this pain away except for her getting help. But nobody can make her at this point. We’ve explored every single avenue we could find and nothing has worked. I just want my mom back so fucking bad.

Man, it’s hard being the oldest child. I always wished I had an older sibling to guide me or be there. But at the same time, I wouldn’t change it at all. I love my siblings so much and will go to bat for them no matter what. They know I’ll always be here for them through thick and thin.

If I can’t have an older sibling, I’ll be the older sibling I wish I had. And I think I’m doing a damn good job at it. I love them all so much

My birthday is a little over 2 weeks away and I’m honestly dreading it.

I wanted to do something fun or go out with my friends but honestly, I don’t have those options. I have like 2 friends currently and the only one who genuinely cares is my room mate. I’m so fucking grateful for her but I feel like nobody else cares.

My parents probably won’t get me the one gift I asked for until Christmas time (I asked for boots doll to get me through winter without a car).

I am starting my new job next week so I’ll be stuck working on my birthday but that’s no big deal. Except that I’ll probably sit at home alone the whole day.

I miss birthdays as a kid. Family and friends came together to celebrate ME. And I don’t feel like there’s really anybody anymore who loves me enough to celebrate me.

My circle of friends and family has just gotten smaller and smaller the older I get. It’s extremely lonely and the days I’m alone, are so bad on my mental health.

I miss feeling like I was worth something

I don’t normally post positivity on here as it’s really just a place to privately vent. But my room mate has told me she considers me her best friend and I can tell that she is truly genuine and we get along really well. It feels really good to have somebody like her that I know I can trust and will always have my back the way I have hers. I haven’t had this in a while and I’m just so grateful for her. I love you J 💕

I’m so fucking lonely. This shit hurts so bad.

It’s really sad that my parents couldn’t give a fuck that I’m going through a break up and just ignored me.

But my room mates mom sends good wishes and hopes I start feeling better.

Why can’t I have a family that genuinely cares about me?

At this point, the only way I’ll ever have that is by creating a family of my own. Which also may never happen.

It’s sad that my birthday is coming up and I don’t even want to plan anything because I don’t have enough friends to plan a party or go out with.

My birthday always felt like a day where my existence was celebrated.

Now, I’m lucky if I get a few texts.

I just want some sense of community but I have nothing like that.

Shit I mean, my room mate asked me to invite my friends to our house warming party (she invited like 30) and I realized I don’t have anybody to invite because the few friends I have were already invited.

I wish that I was cool or “normal” or something. I’ve never had many friends and I wish I knew why people don’t like me like that. I wish I knew what to change so I wouldn’t feel so alone.

I seriously can NOT get a break.

I hurt myself about 8 weeks ago and was on crutches and a boot for 6 weeks. Then I was stressing about my upcoming move for the last 4 weeks and I finally just signed a lease on Tuesday (I move in next week). Then Wednesday afternoon I got a call from my BIG boss and my supervisor letting me know I’m being laid off in 3.5 weeks.

I feel so shitty and depressed. I wish there was something I could do to numb all of this.

Fuck, I hate life.

I really wish I had a real family that didn’t put me last Every. Single. Time.

And here comes the anxiety.

I always fall in love with people faster than anybody ever falls for me (if we even get that far). I am so scared to get my heart broken again because I love too hard and people don’t like it or they end up hating it.

Man, if this relationship doesn’t work out, I don’t think I can date anymore. This shit is intense and scary.

As if today wasn’t shitty enough already.

I wish I had parents who genuinely cared about me.

I wish I had a best friend.

Every person I’ve considered a “best friend” either left, or I had to cut off for toxicity and betrayal.

My mom seriously treats me like the root of everybodys problems. She makes me feel like shit by the things she says and I tell her that and she still keeps going.

I can’t understand how my mom could really see me the way she does. I didn’t do anything wrong but I’m still the scapegoat for everything.

She literally makes me want to fucking hurt myself it’s so bad. Not die but… you know.

When will she just be fucking proud of me?

God I’m so lucky. The guy I’m going steady with is so great. So many green flags. He’s so kind and encouraging and sweet and caring and thoughtful. We both have BPD and Bipolar and we’re both in therapy for it which is a big green flag.

I never thought I’d meet somebody like this

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