falling apart

my thoughts that i wish i could say out loud TW: self h*arm, su*c*de, depression

[sadgirl51]

choosing to live a life of sadness and heartache all so those i care about don’t have to face grief isn’t a way to live at all…

[sadgirl51]

sometimes I feel like everyone hates me, like i’m just this monster or villain in everyone’s lives.

they are always trying to get away from me while I try desperately to hold onto these relationships,

when is it too far gone? should I give up? have they already given up on me?

I think I’m done

[sadgirl51]

everyone keeps finding out, i’ve gotten sloppy.

everyone knows now, they all know i cut myself.

no one can look at me the same…

[sadgirl51]

i am burnt out

it’s too much, too much pressure and too many expectations

i can’t go on like this, i’m so tired

[sadgirl51]

my heart feels so heavy. likes it’s pumping lead through my veins instead of blood.

i feel so tired. like every second that passes i’m pulled further into unconscious.

my head hurts. everything hurts and i truly can’t bear to be stuck in this body anymore.

[sadgirl51]

why does everyone hate me?

even my own family.

no one speaks to me, they just stare or turn away

why can’t i find someone who actually wants me?

i hate being alone

i hate the life i have created for myself

i hate myself

i can’t do this anymore

i want to die

i’m going to kill myself

[sadgirl51]

i hate myself,

i hate living like this,

i don’t want to live like this,

i don’t want to live anymore…

[sadgirl51]

all i want is for someone to hold me close

to tell me everything will be okay

to pick up the pieces when i fall apart

to keep me together when i can’t

to love me anyway, scars and all

all i want is for someone to genuinely care

[sadgirl51]

everything just kept piling on and on,

it hurt so bad she could barely breathe.

[sadgirl51]

my friends are moving on

while i’m stuck here, in the rear view

i know i can’t feel jealous because it’s just selfish

i am just dragging them down

i am a burden, extra, unnecessary, weight

[sadgirl51]

what would happen once i’m gone?

would people finally see me?

would they finally see how broken i truely was?

[sadgirl51]

i need it all to stop

the pressure, the pain, the expectations

i just need everything to stop

[sadgirl51]

i feel like i’m missing out on everything. i can’t just enjoy a single moment. i feel like all my friends are moving on. and my family just doesn’t care. all my days blur together and i have lost all control.

[sadgirl51]

nothing beats the smell of rain at night. there is something about it that brings peace of mind. it is the only time where i am flooded with feelings of tranquility, calmness. where i can truly silence the voices and stop the pain. even if it is just for one breath.

[sadgirl51]

i want to find comfort in the feelings of the past. moments where i could let go. where i could genuinely be happy.

that’s what i want. but i can’t. and i didn’t. now that moment has passed. and that’s where it must stay. in the past.

now i’m stuck in this limbo. wanting to go back to when the days were better. but being unable to escape the dark clouds that have settled.

[sadgirl51]

laying in bed at night. staring up at the ceiling. wondering how things had become so dark. depressing. sad. lonely. horrible.

crying so hard the muffled sobs that wrack the body begin to hurt more. more than the heart. pressing a hand over the mouth, trying desperately to silence the noise.

or feeling nothing at all. simply laying there. in the dark. letting it consume. filling every empty space. until all that’s left is a hollow body. a body without a beating heart.

[sadgirl51]

not many will make it.

not all will reach their mountain top.

not all will get through the woods

some may fall victim to the voices that scream and yell.

the voices that bring you down until you are six feet under.