I haven’t wrote here in a while not because I haven’t been sad but because I haven’t felt sad enough to run to tumblr and write about it but because I’ve tried to use distend outlets and strategies to my madness I guess..
I’m really at the end of my wits with everyone. I constantly please who i can even if it makes me upset. I burn to keep others warm. It’s more a curse than it is a blessing.
Today I wrote to my ___ about my feelings and I just wanted to post it here:
I see all my friends and they all get to go to their own room at night and say goodnight to their parents. They can wake up and sleep as long as they want. They can eat what’s in the house. They can watch TV. Shower or do their hair and make up when they want. Not me. I have no sense of security. I do with what I have and make it look good. Which is a talent at this point. But if I see someone like me working hard and at least trying and not being a bum then I wouldn’t ridicule or remind them of all the things they do wrong. Because when you remind someone of all the things that are wrong, it makes what you did right not matter you know what I mean? I could go to work go to school, clean, cook but the minute I can’t do one thing.. I’m reminded of my mom, my dad, my situation. I get embarrassed by someone I confide in and it sucks.. I love _____ like she’s my real mother that’s why it hurts so much when she talks the way she does. It just doesn’t feel good and makes me feel disposable and I don’t wanna feel that way anymore. I just want someone to see me and be happy. Someone to be proud of little achievements because those turn into bigger ones. One day I wont need all of it but I promise I’ll remember who stuck around. &’ not everyone who downed me or used my trauma to piggy back on.
I pray one day like others I read this and can say what I felt I no longer do. The predicament I’m in I wont be anymore. That I prevailed and something like so is the least of my worries because I trust god and his big plans for me.
